What We Need Here Is a Bulldozer, Part II: Seasonal Miscellany

Let us continue our investigation into the natural history of the humans, as we delve further into their clutter-nest-building activities upon the dining room table.

Again, I ask you:  How many writing implements can one actually use?  And this assemblage does not include the three to five pens the male usually has in his pocket!

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(Note the milk-carton spot on the glass tabletop.  I’m surrounded by slobs!)

You might assume, with an assortment of scribing instruments such as this, that they were producing reams and reams of research, journal entries of historical significance, eloquent letters to loved ones, sketches of poignant beauty, and erudite and uplifting homilies.

You would be wrong.  Around here, it is all shopping lists and doodling, with the occasional foray into bill-paying or word-puzzle doing.  You can be sure that, with a little help from me, pocket clips will snap off, erasers will dry out, leads will jam in mechanical pencils, and refills will become unavailable for favorite brands.

A friend at work shared some garden roses with the human female.  You can see that they are ashamed to be here.

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More advertisements.  This one, from a purveyor of lingerie and swimwear, came with a sheet of little stickers.  They’re on stiffish rather than flexible paper, which makes them easy to handle.  Sigyn thinks the pineapple is cute.  (At least it’s not pink.)

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Augh!  Get it off!  Get it off!

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Though it does concisely express my level of approval for the human female’s housekeeping skills.

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What We Need Here Is a Bulldozer, Part I: On Any Flat Surface

Midgard is home to a number of strange beasts.  In the jungles of the realm of Asia dwells an arboreal beast known as a binturong.  These are binturongs:

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Basically, they are like walking doormats, with long, grabby tails that drag behind them like bags of dirty laundry.  Binturongs may, with some difficulty, be kept as pets.   One would do well to remember, however, that even though they have abundant whiskers, “darling” little ears (according to Sigyn), and a natural scent that is said to be like that of popcorn, they habitually defecate exclusively on flat surfaces.

I submit to you that the humans are binturongs that have learned to walk upright because by Idunn’s little green apples they leave crap on every flat surface in the house. I am not in jest.  Let us examine some of the effluvia present on the dining room table today.

This is like some freakish game of “I spy.”  Let’s see:  soda bottle, flyer for a restaurant that will chicken-fry pretty much anything, smeary eyeglasses, some of the human female’s dry-eye drops, a bottle cap, and three pinch clips, two of which I know for a fact were handouts at a science product show.

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I spy:  the corner of a clipboard, two pens, a pencil, a hair elastic, and a Grand Opening announcement for a veterinary hospital whose address was incorrectly listed.

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You will note that the human female felt compelled to point out the error (there is no such street as ‘Arlington’ in this town) in permanent marker, even though no one at the pet hospital or the printer of the advertisement can see her scribbling.

Looking at the rest of this mess, I’d say the advertising circulars almost deserve a post all to themselves.  Did you see this page, Sigyn?  One can purchase personalized checks.  You’d like the ones with butterflies, wouldn’t you?

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Augh!  Checks with my “brother” and his stupid friends!  And lightning checks, also for Thor!  Grrrr. Why are there no checks with images pertinent to MY interests?

Because the humans like to eat (or in the female’s case, eat and eat and eat), the grocery advertisements can usually be found among the detritus on the table.  Sigyn is pleased to learn that grapes are coming into season and may be had cheaply.  I approve of their color.

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Along with the shopping ads are loose coupons.  The humans are famous for hoarding coupons as if they were gold ingots– and then forgetting to use them before they expire.

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The human female is very good at gobbling up this particular new brand of bacteria-laden fermented milk product.  I have tasted it and I concur.  Quite nice, and it comes in unusual flavors such as strawberry-rhubarb and pumpkin.  The fact that it is full-fat and has more than twice the calories as all the other brands might have something to do with her burgeoning waistline, but even she would find it difficult to eat five at once.

Actually that coupon is part of a little game I’ve devised for her.  I have hacked the store’s coupon-printer so that it prints what I tell it.  I started with “buy one, get a coupon worth fifty cents on your next purchase of two.”  Then it was “buy two, get a coupon for one dollar off on your next purchase of four,” and so on, as you can see.  Every time she takes the deal, I up the ante.  I’m trying to see how many I can get her to buy at once, with the aim of filling the entire refrigerator with yogurt.  But this coupon languished under some other papers and has long since expired, so I’ll have to make sure she gets it again.  Or maybe I’ll skip right over five and go for a “save two dollars on six“…

We have only just scratched the surface here, junk-wise, so stay tuned.

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One Last Bit of Mischief

We’ve looked at about everything in the gallery today, but I’ve a bit more mischief to do.

In the classroom, they have an ancient Midgardian device for listening to audio recordings of a type that decays as you listen.

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Hmm.  It’s all right, if you like that sort of thing, but it’s little boring.  I think I will change every track on each of these albums to something a little more exciting.

While I’m taking care of this, Sigyn is exploring a display of the museum’s recent acquisitions.

And indulging in a bit of social commentary.

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Yes, We Are Still Here

For a small museum, there is a lot going on here today!  Now we are looking at an exhibit of drawings of the largely-ruined friezes on a building that the mortals call “The Parthenon.”  It really is in terrible shape.  On Asgard, we know how to take care of our nice architecture.

Here is the artist’s rendition of what one of the carvings used to look like.

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Now, I’m no expert, but there doesn’t seem to be much connecting the horses to that chariot.  We also seem to be missing a number of hind legs.

There is a little model of the building that someone has made out of wood.

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I want to go inside to look around, but the prune-faced lady at the reception desk seems to have been hired specifically to Disapprove of anything other than just looking at the exhibits from a distance.  Either that, or someone spit in her oatmeal this morning.

Now where has Sigyn got off to, while I was staring at the cranky lady and wishing her a head full of bees?   Did she wander back out to look at the glass again?

Oh, there you are, dearest!  What is it that has you so fascinated?

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Um…

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There’s A Red One And A Blue One And A Pink One And A Yellow One

Look, beloved!   There are more brightly-colored trinkets over here.

Sigyn has a fondness for red glass, but I have my eye on that green one…

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In my previous post, I made the connection between fish and glass, and  you thought I was just making a wild simile metaphor analogy literary device thingy.

Shows what you know.  Behold:

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That is a genuine fish vase.   The human female says it is probably for putting trout lilies in.  (She needs a smacking soooo bad.)

And, as if that were not enough, here is a fish pitcher.

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I thought about inserting a baseball-themed fish pun here, but decided this was not the proper plaice for one.

Sigyn, come look at this weird little piece.  What do you think it is?

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The card says it’s a perfume bottle, but wouldn’t it spend its whole life rolling off the dressing table?  Some artist spent weeks working on something that is just going to fall and smash on its first day of use.  Pathetic. That’s what it is—pathetic.

The theme of this next part of the exhibit seems to be the Exotic East or some such.

Hence: pyramids!

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Why the storks overflying the  Egyptian pyramids are drawn in the Chinese style is explained on the little exhibit card.  Sloppy curating, that’s what that is.

More Egyptian-themed goodies:

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A glass vase shaped like a chunk of elephant tusk.

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News flash:  No one actually believes that is ivory.

This one, on the other hand, does look sort of ivory-ish.

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The cabochons, alas, are not actual rubies.  Too bad–I’d have had enough to buy my own fish vase.

Sigyn, I think we have found the stereotype portion of the exhibit.

Scratch that.  I think we have found the three-legged camel portion of the collection.  Exhibit A :

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Aaaaand, Exhibit B:

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Quite possibly, these unbalanced ships of the desert are a bit odd when it comes to limb number and placement.  No sleek luxury craft, these.  No, indeed!  These are ancient tripedal scows, paint peeling and crew swearing, lurching their way across a glassy sea.

A body could get motion sick just looking at this stuff.

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One Mortal’s Trash is Another One’s Treasure

Sigyn enjoyed looking at the paperweights and cameo glass, but there is so much more to see here at the gallery.

Take this room, for example.  It’s entirely full of TRASH.  That’s right, all of the “art” in this display is made out of junk.

This colorful tropical reef is aaaall made out of would-be plastic junk and paper.

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See?  Up close, it is easy to see that all the fish are made from recycled bottles.

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Someone drank a LOT of water.

The other wall has a collage of little bits and pieces stuck on popsicle sticks and all painted white.  It’s a big thing—this is just a little part of it.

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Hmm.  I’m not sure I see the point of this one.  Unless they had the local Good Humor Man save all the discarded ice cream sticks from all his customers for a whole year, those sticks weren’t trash.  And someone probably bought all those little wooden shapes special for this project.  This isn’t recycling at all.  Fake!  Fake art!

I don’t even think it’s installed correctly.  Look at that upper-leftish panel, the one with all the hearts.  The upside down hearts.

Besides, what did they do with all the glue and paint containers after they made this art?  Were they properly recycled into more art?  On the one hand, for the good of this realm, I hope they were, but Great Frigga’s hairpins!  For the sake of my eyes, I hope that they weren’t!

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In Which I Admit That Maybe I Should Have Had A Snack Before Visiting The Museum

There’s more glass on display here at the Runyon Collection besides the paperweights.  The collection is heavy on cameo glass.  Let me explain that for your tiny mortal brains.  Imagine a glass sandwich.  Then imagine carving the top piece of bread in fancy patterns so that the tunafish shows through, or even digging down to expose the bottom piece of bread.

Drat.  Now I’m hungry.

The museum staff rotate the displays so there is always something new.  By Heimdal’s Golden Helmet, those Runyons have a lot of glass.  (Which makes me think that they really would not miss one or two pieces here and there.)

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Sigyn is thrilled because a lot of this display is a nice, strawberryish red.

Someone who was a Plant Nerd designed this one.  Sigyn likes it a lot.

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I prefer this next one.  It has bindweed, which is tenacious and pernicious and altogether a pain in the neck for farmers.  (The label says morning glories, but the human female says bindweed, and she knows about pernicious, being so herself.)

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Look, Sigyn! This one symbolizes our love.  It has passionflowers.

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And because flowers need something to pollinate them:

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If the first couple were strawberry, that one is lemonade.

Then there’s strawberry lemonade…

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Drat.  Now I’m hungry AND thirsty.

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