They’re Celebrating…Something, Part I: I Don’t Trust Any of This Stuff

The humans are celebrating…something.  They didn’t start out to do it.  No, they just decided that dragging Sigyn and me along and meeting up with the blue-haired goddaughter at one of the local grocery markets to pick out a variety of “fun things to eat” sounded like a good idea.   Then when they got there, they discovered that some of the local populace are celebrating the moon, because it’s August.  Or maybe October.  Except it isn’t.  It’s September.

I do not know what its going on. When I take over, I am going to straighten this whole calendar mess right the heck out.

This is a very… unusual store.  Even my Allspeak isn’t up to translating all the labels.  Why can’t everyone use runes like civilized peoples do?

Sigyn, there are some truly bizarre items on offer here.  Do you want to try the fish meat sausage with cheese?  

Me, neither.   I’m just ready to go home—and come back another day with a camera, because I KNOW no one will believe me about the fish meat sausages.

(later)

Safely home!  Let’s see what the humans did buy.  There is quite an assortment of packages.

Ah. Stuffed bao.  We have had these before and liked them!

bao-bag

They won’t be the same as ones brought out by a smiling waitress in a little steamer tray, but they will probably taste good.

The package says these are Lumpy…

eggroll-bag

Well, there are some crispy-looking little blisters on them as a result of delicious frying, but I wouldn’t call them lumpy.  Humans are weird.

Shoe-mai?  I hope they are not made of real shoes!

shumai bag

I’m  sensing a theme here.  These are all stuffed things.

potsticker bag

The humans are fetching down the bamboo steamer, oiling up a frying pan, and heating up the oven.  Twenty minutes or so from now, we should be feasting in style!

And look!  There will be more stuffed things for dessert!

mooncake bag

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This Is What I Have To Put Up With

It is well after midnight, an hour in which all sensible mortals and even all-powerful Gods of Mischief should be long abed and fast asleep.

And I WAS, until a horrible scraping, bumping noise woke me up!  There is a scuffling and a scrabbling and a bonking and a couple of thuds.  Unbelievable!   I fear lest Sigyn should wake also, so I will venture forth, dagger in hand, to see what this untimely disturbance is all about.

Ah.

 This.

Clearly, she is not possessed of  the intelligence vested in an eggplant, but I will give the creature several points for persistence.

Now may we please have some quiet?  Some of us have serious mischief to do tomorrow!

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The Dead Cat Ballet, The Sequel

This year’s Dead Cat Ballet was such a smashing success (or maybe just a smash-up) that I am directing a Sequel!

The human female, after much back-and-forthing,  says that she finally convinced the Purveyors of Dead Things to send her the nine sharks, ten sheep eyeballs, ten fish, twenty-five clams, and two-hundred and twenty pig hearts that were missing from the order.  Actually, I’m not sure she did convince them, because the PODT rep kept saying things like, “But we sent you all the fish,” and the human female kept saying things like, “Yes, that is the number that was on the packing slip, but it is not the number that you shipped.”  I think what happened is that the PODT just got tired of dealing with her and decided it was worth a pallet of Dead Things to SHUT HER UP.  If they keep a black list, she’s probably on it.

When the Supplemental Dead Things arrived, the pig hearts were in boxes of ten.  Some of the boxes weighed about twenty pounds and some only half that.  Suspecting that the packers at PODT cannot math any better than the shippers, the human female opened some of the boxes.  All contained ten hearts.  It’s just that some were MUCH larger than the others.  Some porkers have more compassion, I suppose.

And now, the heart of this new drama:  The human female cannot pay for this colossal assemblage of once-living organisms.

I’ll let that sink in.

It’s not that her Introductory Biology Program is bankrupt, it’s that the Bean Counters are confused.  Or they hate her.  That’s equally likely.

You may recall that the Overture of the Original Production involved the issuance of one PO with two different requisition numbers, owing to the fact that the PODT has two entries in the ordering software database and the wrong one was initially selected.  (It is all about the Vendor ID number, people!)

Well, as luck Loki would have it, an invoice was generated for each requisition, even though there was only one PO and one shipment.  This engendered much flailing and wailing from the Bean Counters, who saw only one way out of this confounded, Ghordian predicament:

The human female was directed to write up another Purchase Order for the same purchase, complete with all seventeen line items and product numbers, etc., and submit it for purchase but clearly marked Do Not Distribute.  Thus, they reasoned, there would be two POs and two invoices and everything would be very tidy.   Except, you know, for the fact that generating a PO first generates a requisition.  But hey, if two is fun, three would be MORE fun.

The human female suggested that the Bean Counters A) Get hold of themselves and B) take the radical and unprecedented step of tearing up the invoice that is for the wrong VID.   After all, it is not as if the PODT is expecting to be paid twice for the same goods. (Or maybe they are… Perhaps as an “Idiot Tax” for having to deal with the human female.  That would be fun.)

There has, at this point, been much back-and-forth emailing and leaving of comments on the PO in the ordering system.  At one point, the human female was taken to task for responding to a comment via email and not as a further comment—by a Bean Counter whose reprimand she received only as an email and not as a comment.  The initial, you-must-make-a-duplicate-order Bean Counter has been strangely silent recently, with the thread taken up by two further Bean Counters.  By my count there are now at least three Bean Counters involved, all of whom keep asking “What should we do?!”   The human female has –in a comment, of course—explained everything, with dates and VIDs and requisition numbers, but still, no one can figure out how to cut a check.

The last time the human female looked at the history of the PO, BOTH invoices were marked as cancelled, so she has no clue what’s going on.

Ehehehe! I’m not done with this!  It’s my sincere hope that the human female ends up on some scientific blacklist for Bad Purchasers and that the PODT will never again sell her so much as a sheep pluck.   That way, she’d either have to find a vendor of inferior products or else go out and collect and pickle all the corpses and offal herself.

Stay tuned, kiddies, it’s not over yet!

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It’s Not Easy Being Green

I know my faithful followers must think that all I do is torment the human female.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  I have plenty of mischief for the human male.  Why, just today I played a very good prank indeed!

As you may recall, the human male is quite fond of fountain pens.  He has an extensive collection of pens and an even broader range of colored inks.  Just to keep him humble, I arranged for a small gravity fluctuation in his storage area, with the result that just now there was the delightful noise of a whole box of inks falling over— and one of the bottles broke!  Now I get to laugh while he cleans up the carnage.  It was contained in the plastic box, but I imagine it is still pretty messy.  Let’s go see!

Oh, no!  Why did it have to be one of the GREEN inks?!

inkspill1

What a dreadful waste.

inkspill2

There was a bottle of Lamy ink in the box.  Lamy packages their inks with some blotting paper.  It seems to have done its job like a champ.

inkspill3

The ink that spilled was DeAtramentis ‘Bamboo’, though the Pelikan ‘Dunkelgrün’  box seems to have taken a hit as well.

inkspill4

Oh!  Here is the actual broken bottle.  Great Frigga’s corset!  There’s a huge chunk missing from the shoulder!

inkspill5

Why did it have to be such a lovely ink in such a nice bottle?  I hate it when my mischief backfires on me!   This might ruin my whole afternoon.

inkspill6

She’s trying to figure out how to get stuck in the bottle, isn’t she?

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Loki, God of Deceptive Packaging

The human female, in pursuit of personal hygiene, has purchased a large quantity of toothpaste.

toothpaste1

Or at least, that was her intention…  One wave of Gungnir and….

toothpaste2

Let’s see what we actually have…

toothpaste3

Inside the great big box…

toothpaste4

Is a veritable shrimp of a tube.  She will have to choose which of her snaggles to clean.

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Halten Sie das gebratene Fleisch kommen!

The humans, always looking for a good excuse not to cook, have seized upon the occasion of an old friend passing through town to venture into downtown of The Next Town Over to an unusual, schizophrenic eatery which consists of an Irish pub and a German restaurant with separate storefronts, but which share a kitchen in the back.   Sigyn and I have tagged along to see what’s on offer.  (We probably should have brought Arnold along to translate.  Maybe next time.)

The silverware and napkins are rolled up in this stein.

schnitzel1

How quaint.

If I were feeling generous, I would take one of these blue and white house coasters and give it to Thor for his beer mat collection.

schnitzel2

But I’m not.

Sigyn—correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t think chilies or coconut were particularly German…

schnitzel4

The main thing on the menu is something called “schnitzel.”  I do not know what sort of animal a schnitzel is.  Let me look it up on the human female’s phone.

Schnitzel

What?!  Oh, no, no, no.  I will eat many things, but I draw the line at canines. 

Oh, wait. My mistake.  I think that “schnitzel” must be a way of cooking things, because it looks like it can be pork or chicken or sausages.

And it looks as if Monday is the day to come.  It’s a veritable Schnitzelfest!

schnitzel3

Here’s where the accuracy of the menu has broken down—I understand they do have fries, but not the red cabbage.

schnitzel5

Ah.  All the plates now come with red cabbage.  The male has opted for the sauce based on beer and bacon and onions, while the (boring) human female has chosen the plain one with just a hint of lemon.

It all smells good, anyway.  Mmmmm.  Fried things.

schnitzel8

What do you think, Sigyn?  Did you save room for dessert?

schnitzel7

The human female can’t have any, but the Fantasy Fudge Cake sure looks good!

schnitzel9

MMMM. Fantastic and fudgy.  You are missing out, human.

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A New and Unusual Marketing Experience, Part III: In Which the Human Female, Sigyn, and I All Get Our Just Desserts

This has been an edifying, if somewhat confusing and exhausting, shopping trip.  Sigyn, do you not feel as if we have earned a treat?  There are plenty of sweet temptations from which to choose.  The trouble will be beating the human female, whose every third tooth is a sweet tooth, to whatever we buy.

Sigyn is an enthusiastic proponent of cheesecake.  And since the human female cannot consume chocolate, there is a chance Sigyn might actually get to eat some of this.

cheeesecake

Mmm.  The human female is allergic to hazelnuts.  Yes,  let us definitely get all of these!

chocolate

This establishment carries a number of imported items.  These look delectable, and hey! Chocolate again!  Into the cart they go.

doppel-kek

One of the quirks of this store is that items come and go.  One can’t always be sure of re-encountering something one has purchased and liked before.  For instance, it was in this aisle that the human female found some heavenly lemon-filled shortbread cookies she would like to inhale some more of.  They were right about…

…here.

nolemoncookies

Oh, too bad!  No delicious, delicious cookies for you!  They’ve gone the way of the ambrosial macaroons and the orange-infused marzipan.

Well, I think we have done just about all the shopping we can for one day.  It remains only to watch the human male pay for all our selections.

And one last quirk.  This shop forces one to “rent” a shopping cart by inserting a quarter into the handle’s chain apparatus.  Upon returning the cart, the quarter is returned.

quarter

I’ll just be taking that, thank you!

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