Month: February 2015

A February Walk, Part I: In Which I am BORED.

After a whole string of gray/cold/wet days, it is finally sunny and almost warm today. Predictably, the human female and Sigyn have leaped at the chance to go out and poke at plants and get some "exercise." (Can you even call it "exercise" if you stop every ten feet to peer at green stuff?)

See? We haven’t gone half a block and Sigyn is making little "squee" noises about this "cute" little chickweed.

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What’s that? The five deeply-notched petals look like bunny ears? If you say so, sweetie.

Oh, super. Now we are sitting in another holly tree. Sigyn, don’t you ever get tired of sitting in holly trees? What? This one is different because it’s deciduous and not a yaupon holly? Dearest, one pokey, red-fruited tree is much like any other pokey, red-fruited tree. I think I will use a little magic on the camera so it doesn’t focus properly.

Ha! Over-exposed:

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The human female is trying another shot from a different angle.

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Still nope! Ehehehehe! Blurrrrrrr! Ehehehehe! Also, I am deeply amused by the fact that she is getting more than a little shredded by a nasty little seedling hawthorn as she scrunches down to try to capture a good likeness. Give up, mortal. I can keep this up far longer than you can.

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A little craft project

Sigyn has invited some friends and acquaintances over to work on a craft project. I don’t really trust all of these folks yet, but I will go along, since it is for a good cause.

The paper and crayons have come out. Is anyone surprised that Sigyn has chosen red?

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I am predictable as well.

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The others have their own preferences.

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Accidents happen.

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All done! Everyone smile!

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Happy Birthday to the human female’s mother! You can leave felicitations for her in the comments.

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They’re still heeeeeeere…

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Memos have been flying thick and fast between the vendor and the accounting people, but my magic is stronger than email!

Although it appears that all five cases of apothecary bottles were indeed paid for, the human female has yet to receive the call tags that will allow her to ship the unwanted bottles back and receive a refund. They’ve been sent three times already! Ehehehehe!

I made the first batch disappear. The second batch I sent to Peru. The third batch I changed up a little bit and send to some random stranger, who will find that he is authorized to return an ugly tie to a Walmart in Peoria, Illinois.

The original order was placed on May 22, 2014.This has been going on long enough to grow a human! Though the human female is childless, she has now experienced the joys of parenthood. The order was conceived in faith and hope, carefully planned for, and eagerly awaited. She made preparations to welcome and house the bottles. When they finally arrived, they proved to be more than she expected, as well as more time-consuming and expensive. They take up a lot of room, occupy a good proportion of her time and energy, and are more than a little annoying. Still, they are cute and round, and someday they will be useful.

But not this day.

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A Most Delectable Day

For some reason, there are a lot of Midgardians with birthdays in February. (What do they get up to in May??) As it happens, my birthday also falls in this month, if reckoned by the Midgardian calendar. Today, in fact.

Sigyn has made me a birthday cake, with her own pretty little hands. It looks…er… scrumptious, darling–thank you!

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Oh. Sigyn says that it is supposed to look like that. The brown bits are a tasty crumb topping. Fair enough. I’ve nothing against tasty crumbs.

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Ooo! It also has a jammy blood-red filling! It quite looks as if I’ve butchered the poor pastry. Sigyn is so cute when she pretends to be horrified.

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Mmmm. Messy, but good. Thank you, dearest. You certainly know what I like.

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I just hope I can keep the greedy human female from inhaling the remainder.

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Glip, glorp, gleeble, durp…Whoosh!

I have not been idle on the mischief front while conducting henchperson interviews. The human female is an Aquarius, and I’ve been trying to make sure her troubles are appropriately water-themed.

Do you see this?

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That is a dripping faucet in one of the teaching labs. A most persistently dripping faucet. It was supposedly fixed last summer, when it was discovered that it had been running steadily for so long that there was a sort of green copper-salts stalactite hanging from it, thanks to the lovely local tap water. It was supposedly fixed again last week, when it was found to be wasting gallons and gallons once more. The human female even received a chipper little, “Your work order is now complete–how did we do?” note from the maintenance folks. Work order number three is now in place. We’ll see who goes mad first, the human female or the plumbers. I can play this game indefinitely.

See this?

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That is a GUSHING faucet! (I’m not in the photo because I didn’t want to get my cape wet.) I’ve been tinkering with this one, in a different lab room, for quite some time now. It’s malfunctioned before. The other day I thought it would be funny if the students couldn’t get it to shut off. Then I thought it would be even funnier if they could shut it off but it would start up again all by itself during the teaching assistant’s presentation. I’ve got it leaking around the base and dripping down inside the cabinet as well. Prep staff has had to get a giant whopper bucket for that.

There’s a call into maintenance. There’s a betting pool as to when it will actually be fixed. Want a square?

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p.s.  The apothecary bottles are still here…

Walkies!

Christmas means eating, and there are still holiday goodies in the freezer. New Years means a lot of champagne. The January trip to visit friends out of town involved non-stop snackage. More recently, the annual battle of helmeted and padded warriors chasing a bit of inflated pig hide was accompanied by the annual glut of dubious comestibles. Plus, there are the deprivations of something called Lent to make up for ahead of time.

What with all of the above, the human female has accumulated an excess of avoir du pois. “Doughy,” I believe, is the word I’m looking for.

Her bouts of self-improvement rarely last long, but for the moment she’s quite serious about exercise. Here she is puffing along on the treadmill.

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Stands to reason that if 3 miles per hour is a good brisk walking pace, making her trot at 25 mph will burn through the blubber that much faster. Vroom!

Oh, and running on an incline is good for the quads…

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45 degrees ought to do it.

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Help Wanted, Part X: An Unexpected Ninth Encounter

Hiring minions has turned out to be much harder than I thought. I think I will just keep some of the applicants’ contact info on file and call them up if and when I need help on a project. It’s nice to be finished with all the interviews, isn’t it Sigyn?

Odin’s eyepatch! Someone’s at the door? I was hoping for some peace and quiet.

I don’t recognize the fellow, but I have a bad feeling about this…

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"You are not a fellow Dalek! Exterminate!"

"Stop right there, you bucket of bolts! I am a god! One more inch and you will be the one exterminated!"

"Exterminate!"

"You and what army?"

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"Oh . Sigyn–stick close!"

"Loki, The red one is coming at me! Do something!"

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"Keep your eye on it, and watch out for the plunger while I summon my magic!"

"Loki! I…It isn’t acting as angry as the others. I…I think it might want to be friends…"

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"No, Sigyn! Don’t trust it!"

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"Sigyn, hit the floor! NOW!"

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Yes! That was brilliant!

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When all of those evil pepper-mills powered up to fire, I quickly calculated that they were positioned in such a way as to very neatly shoot one another. They may be part of some merciless, implacable hive mind, but it’s a feeble, stupid little hive mind.

I think I’ll call that crazy raccoon back up and see what he’ll pay for some of these parts.

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Help Wanted, Part IX: The Eighth Interview

I think I have someone coming in today. The human female “accidentally” erased the phone message. She swears she didn’t mean to, but she has been annoyed that all the phone calls have been for me recently–she has no friends, or if she does, they never call. “Losing” my messages is just a petty, passive-aggressive manifestation of her insecurities.

I knew it– there is the doorbell. Sigyn, let me get it. You never know who it might be. Yes, it is the season for small, female Midgardian children to hawk cookies door-to-door, and their thin, minty biscuits are particularly tasty, but it might equally be homicidal robots or mutagen-swilling bio-psychologists.

See? I told you–it’s a… a…

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Actually, I have no clue what this is. A furry Frost Giant on skis and eating an ice-lolly?? That can’t be right. Frost Giants aren’t furry, and we never need skis. Sigyn, start the recorder. We may have ourselves a first-contact situation!

………………………
Loki: Good morning…Sir? Come on in and take off your skis. Are you here about the henchman position? What is your name, please?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp!>

Loki: I’m sorry? Are you in pain, or is that your name?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: I am Loki, and this is Sigyn. You are…?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: Yelp it is, then. Do you speak English?

Yelp: कुनै

Loki: Har du kanskje snakke Norse? Oletteko kenties puhua suomea? Islensku?

Yelp: म तपाईं बुझ्न सक्नुहुन्छ, तर म आफ्नो भाषा बोल्न सक्दैनन्।

Loki: Hmm. Nod, then, if you understand me? Ah. Very good. Now, what can you offer my organization?

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Yelp: यो स्वादिष्ट उपचार खान कृपया

Loki: Apparently, popsicles.

Sigyn: Thank you. It looks delicious! Is it blueberry?

Yelp: तपाईं जान्न चाहँदैनन्।

Loki: Areful-cay ith-way the opsicle-pay… So, Yelp. How are you at being brutally ruthless?

Yelp: म मान्छे गले गर्न रुचि

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Sigyn: Awww! He likes you! That’s so sweet!

Yelp: अन्य मानिसहरू स्वादिष्ट बरफ पर्खिरहेका छन्। म अब जानुपर्छ। सायद हामी एकदिन फेरि भेट्न हुनेछ।

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Loki: There is not the smallest particle of that which made sense.

Sigyn: Mmm. Raspberry?


………………………………………………..

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I haven’t lost my touch.

I have been making sure the human female has an interesting work week. Let’s have a look at the statistics, shall we?

Number of jars of Amoeba ordered: 15

Number of jars of Amoeba delivered on time: 0

Why? I called the vendor and countermanded the “ship overnight” instructions on that order, changing the whole shipment to “2-day.” All the little squigglies spent an extra day in transit with the jar lids screwed on tightly, smothering slowly.

Number of live individual Amoeba remaining for labs on Tuesday: approximately 6, spread across five lab rooms of 24 students each.

Number of minutes the human female spent chewing out the vendor: 15

Number of jars of replacement Amoeba delivered emergency-extra quick on Wednesday (today): 12

Number of boxes of the next shipment of live material from this same vendor due to arrive today: 2 (all full of planty things Sigyn would like)

Number of boxes which arrived: 0

Number of minutes the human female spent chewing out the VERY SAME VENDOR for screwing up the shipping by sending it 2-day AGAIN: 20

Number of days this week the human female has had a screaming headache: 4

I figure by next week, if I can put enough pressure on the vendor, the live materials will be coming by bicycle messenger six days late, and the human female will be spending roughly 25% of every work day hollering into the telephone.

Hmm. What else can I amuse myself with? It’s probably time someone pulled a fire alarm…

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