Day: May 7, 2015

A Perilous Expedition, Part IV: Creams and Oozes and Goos

I am a god. Few things unnerve me. I am not afraid of pain. I am bold in battle and I laugh at danger.

But I am fastidious and cannot abide "sticky," which is why I approach the first of the two main compartments with some trepidation. But again, I am undaunted.


The human female travels with a random assortment of toiletry products, all of which have the potential to be messy.

I shall enumerate:


Trial size tube of toothpaste, of a kind that she doesn’t use, from a dentist visit three months ago. I am torn between a semi-unscrewed cap and a pinhole in the tube itself. Either way, her backpack will be minty fresh!

Anti-itch cream. I guess she found the mosquitoes I let into the house last week.

What’s this pink stuff?


Ah, yes. A lovely hand cream–four years ago when it was new and she could still get it to come out of the tube. Now look at it! It’s beyond squeezability, the label is coming off, and there is a disgusting accumulation of…particles… trapped in the lid. I am repulsed.

Hand sanitizer, to get the germs from the hand cream off.


This is the alcohol-based kind, which is extra fun, because it will take the label off just about anything else.

Still, the hand cream, while goopy, is not the potential disaster that this next item is.


Sunscreen. Necessary for a Texan who likes to spend time outdoors, but it is oily and gloppy and altogether bleargh. She usually puts it inside a plastic bag in case it leaks. She hates it when it leaks. I will let her think she forgot to zip up the bag and it somehow rolled out and came open and… Yes. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Ehehehehehe. She will stick to it, too, when it’s had some time to thicken up a bit.

And look at this :


She doesn’t even remember having this, but it has been in here for weeks, I am certain. This particular brand is called a "Dum Dum." We will see just what–or who–the real dum-dum is when not too long from now it will lose its wrapper in the bottom of the pack. On the first warm, humid day, this naked lolly will become semi-permanently affixed to the lining of the backpack, gathering dust and fuzz and leaving orange streaks on everything. The human female does not like being sticky any more than I do. She will be cranky, and I will laugh.

I am feeling generous, though, so I will leave her a little more candy.


I happen to know that green apple is her favorite flavor of this sort of sweet. They can occasionally be difficult to open, so I will get this one started for her and drop it in here as a nice little surprise.


It can sit down there in the bottom with the stray cough drop.

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