I’ve been so busy lately that I shall have to be very organized in recording all my exploits.
Old business first:
1. The restrooms in the human female’s workplace still have no hall doors. Also, I saw to it that they were roped off for some reason one day this week–right after lunch. I’ve said it before: Timing is everything!
2. When the humans were finishing the dismantling of the Yule tree last night, one of the branches inexplicably came off in the human female’s hand. And I broke off a piece of its socket, so that while it can be precariously re-attached, it will henceforth have to be suspect as far as weight-bearing goes. You hear that, mortals? You shall have to cut the flotsam and jetsam you load onto the poor tree by about 60% on that side.
3. Remember that the female has been trying to return some mis-sized corsetry? I had the first emailed free-reshipping label go astray in the ether, so she was obliged to call them again. They re-sent the label, but every time she’s thought about printing it out, she hasn’t been near a printer, or if she has, I’ve distracted her with one of the dozen or so daily spam emails from cruise lines that I’ve signed her up for.
4. The new ordering software (BAMN) continues to pay dividends in tears and recriminations. I have engineered it so that it takes TWENTY SEVEN screens to go from opening the program to submitting a purchase order to a vendor. The human female tried to order some live algae this week, and since there is no product code for live algae, the records will show something coded as “nursery plants.” Well, I suppose a freshwater aquarium could be considered a “nursery” of sorts. Not content with that, I made sure the PO was sent to BAMN, and not to the vendor. The BAMN folks (henceforth known as The BAMNED) sent her an email telling her they required an e-mail contact on the vendor’s side. So the human female called the vendor (Small, Nearly Rectangular State Supplies), negotiated the phone tree (all phone tree designers work for me now), received the information, and passed it along to the BAMNED. The BAMNED wrote back saying they needed the name of the person who would get the PO emails, because one of the
bugs features of the new system is that POs are not sent to the vendor. The vendor receives an email instructing them to log onto the BAMN system to retrieve the PO. The human female tried to point out to them that if this lucky person moves or retires or marries or has the audacity to die, the chain of communication would be broken. I’m proud of my BAMNED–they held firm, so another phone call was placed to secure this new bit of information, which the human female duly relayed to SNRSS. It is a sad and amusing fact that the human female has formed more trial-by-fire friendships with account reps at various vendors than she has with people she has actually met.
Oh, and I’ve re-designed some of the twenty-seven BAMN screens so that the “delete this vendor entirely” button is now located where the “select this vendor” button is shown to be in the instruction booklet. One has to be so on-one’s-toes when using this program that pointe shoes are now required by the office dress code.
5. The human female’s mutilated finger is healing slowly, but it will probably continue to be the Wrong Shape and Painful for weeks to come. I’ve seen to it that she will have enough stuck-on bandage adhesive to last long past the time the pathetic digit has returned to normal function. I’ve arranged a paper cut on the opposite thumb just to make typing extra fun.
6. She has located the missing brown glove. However, I’ve shoved it so far down between the passenger seat and the center console in the car that retrieving it is going to require a team of spelunkers. Meanwhile, I’ve hidden one of the black ones. (And if you have not perused the comments on the glove post, I encourage you to do so. It has acquired poetry.)
1. As I’ve mentioned, the human female is fond of apples. Except for some of the heirloom varieties, she generally prefers them sans peel. That will have to change.
Two months, people. That peeler was two months old. I’ve been studying a bit of metallurgy and can now confidently identify (and create!) loose welds and hidden spots of metal fatigue.
2. As I write this, the human female has just received a phone call with the recorded joyous news that she has been selected to receive a Free Cruise to the Bahamas! First she whines about not getting a vacation, and then she turns down a free one! Humpf! There is no pleasing some people!
3. One of the human female’s responsibilities at work is to maintain and improve a database of biological images. Last week she was informed that the hosting computer group would no longer host, and that the whole enterprise needed to move to the human female’s department, preferably retroactively. Despite my best efforts, the move was successful (the human male is quite skilled). I’ve had to console myself with rendering all the thumbnail images in png format invisible and with removing the female’s ability to add new images at all. If they get that fixed, I’ll break something else.
3. I’ve caused three teaching assistants to be not just absent but out of the country for the critical first TA meeting and/or the first week or two of lab. See? SOME people take advantage of travel opportunities!
4. I slipped one of the human female’s own books into her stack of tomes being returned to the library. The you-poor-imbecile look they gave her was priceless.
5. I saw to it that not one, not two, but THREE copies of the big, splashy Gun Sale ad from the Local Sporting Goods Store made it into the huge wodge of junk mail delivered to the house on Wednesday. Also two copies of the Rickety Foreign Furniture and Odd Lots flyer. But only one of the food market circulars, which the humans DO consult, showed up, so statistically it all evened out.
6. A little judicious unplugging of the crockpot on my part meant that the human female was greeted by cold oatmeal-water-apple soup this morning, rather than steaming apple cinnamon oatmeal. Yesterday it was a toaster waffle with apple preserves that had mysteriously gone bad… Before that it was some iffy milk.
7. I just kicked her brand new 5-subject notebook that she keeps all her meeting stuff in right off her desk. Bent cover. She’ll have to look at that for two years, at least.
9. The City has recently gifted each single-family home with a large blue single-stream recycling wheelie-bin. No more sorting paper from glass from metal! The humans were terribly excited, until they noted (after the last big rain) that the partially-concave lid holds about a quart of water. In this part of Midgard, this translates to thousands of households ranching mosquitoes. Moreover, if one lifts the lid to dump the water, most of it is channeled right into the interior, thus ruining any paper within.
10. I have learned how to make carrots throw sparks in the microwave. I know! It shouldn’t be possible, but remember that I am a god and therefore not bound by the inconsequential laws of mortal chemistry and physics.
11? I think there may have been something else, but I’ve mislaid the list I was keeping. If I remember what it was, I will document it next time.