Fantastic Fossil Finds

The human female’s work coloring all of the posters with fossils has inspired me to do a little fossil-hunting of my own.  I’ve heard it said that the stone slabs that comprise the retaining wall outside one of the Biology buildings are just full of them.

fossil

By Stan Lee’s cameos!  I have found some!  I wonder what creatures made these?  This small, pointed impression is intriguing.  Where have I seen that spirally shape before?  It is so familiar…  Hmm…

Oh, I know!  I believe this is the imprint of a unicorn horn!

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That must be it!  This is quite exciting!

The larger one is obviously the footprint of a four-toed entity.  I believe I can also determine that it was made by a creature who was bipedal and walked upright.  I have found a missing link!  I shall use my magic to create a rendering of this all-important hominin:

Troll-Doll-Black-Hair-16

I could call it Lokipithecus thorii, because no doubt its physiognomy was as frightful as my brother’s.

Aw, Hel.  I am forgetting the Midgardian tenet known as Occam’s Razor.  The simplest explanation is usually the best.  It seems most unlikely that I have found traces of BOTH a unicorn AND a primitive human-ancestor.  No, it is much more probable, especially given the proximity of the two impressions, that they were made by the same organism:

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And I can therefore extrapolate and confidently offer this reconstruction of the ancient ecosystem:

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Look for my paper in the next issue of Nature.

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