Ah… Spring! This planet’s celebration of a wonky axis. Asgard sorted out the whole axial tilt problem millennia ago, so no need to change clocks or rearrange the wardrobe to put the woollies away and drag out the white shoes. Jotunheim of course, is stuck in perpetual “winter” mode. Muspelheim is always…toasty. Nope. Midgardians are the only ones who bother with Spring. Spring! When it is hot one day and chilly the next. Spring! When the garden plants don’t know whether to bloom or bide. Spring! When the humans in this realm lose an hour of sleep! Spring! When the pollen is enough to make a blue auto green. Spring! When a young Loki’s fancy turns to thoughts of…MISCHIEF!
I like to keep the humans on their toes, marketing-wise. That soup they like? First, I made sure only one grocery waaaay across town carried it. Then I closed that grocery! Lazy mortals, learn to cook.
I did the same thing with the human female’s shoes. For years, she’s been wearing the same brand of comfortable-but-ugly footwear available only online or in a specialty store in the Big City to the South. I have no quarrel with the store, so I’ve left it in place. Instead, I convinced the manufacturer of the shoes to stop making shoes entirely. They still make some very good trekking gear, though, and I would gladly use their tents and parkas and what not. If, you know, I was interested in camping. Which I’m not. So now the human female is wearing some even-uglier and not-yet-truly-comfortable new shoes of a different make. I made sure the laces are a bright lime green. Oh, and I made the new shoes squeak too, so color-blind people can find her repellent as well.
I haven’t limited my meddling to her personal life. I have been busy at her place of employment. The other day I saw to it that a bucket of Ascaris worms that was sitting on the lab floor with its lid not securely fastened down got kicked over. Pig intestinal parasites everywhere! And, naturally, it was the bucket of female worms, whose eggs have been known to survive the preservation process, so the whole area had to be Decontaminated with Various Chemicals. The prank backfired a bit, though, since the human female was not an actual participant in the clean-up. Must try harder next time.
I had better luck with the leftovers, though. The humans are Very Busy People, so sometimes they have to bring dinner with them to work and eat it before evening activities. Do you remember the nonsensical dinner? The human female thought she packed the leftovers of said dinner, but as she was grabbing from the cooling unit at home, I nudged the cooked beef out of the way and her hand fell on the container of meat marinating for a future meal, and she packed that. And then I made it leak all over the insulated carrier bag she put it in. The humans didn’t discover the switch–or the bloody mess!– until dinnertime.
I continue my regime of hijinks (what an odd-looking word!) with the Purveyor of Squiggly Things. The human female ordered another batch of tiny, carnivorous hydra for her classes, well in advance, to allow for the vagaries of BAMN. (More on BAMN anon.) They arrived on a Wednesday, looking hale and hearty. By the following Tuesday, they were, alas, all dead. She was not informed of this until late enough in the day that the Purveyor of Squiggly Things could not ship replacements until Wednesday for arrival on Thursday morning. Thursday morning came and went. So did Thursday afternoon. And Friday morning. The carrier, Fed-up and Exhausted, blamed the weather. The human female was not amused. When the squigglies finally showed up Friday afternoon, it was too late to be of any use. Being science nerds, the human female and her staff had fed them with the rotifers remaining from the week’s lessons and tucked them in to weather Spring Break as best they could. As of today, some of them are still alive. If they can make it another two days, the students who missed out will be able to study them. But you know I can’t allow that…
And now, BAMN. BAMN will go down in the annals as my second greatest achievement, second only to taking over Midgard. The University is on version 13 of BAMN, and it is living up to every mortal superstition regarding that number. Recent fun:
The human female had to make the large annual order of defunct felines a sole-source item. Once she attached the sole source form, the requisition turned feral and could not be coaxed into converting to a PO. Probably because no one should be allowed to order that many dead cats.
The human female also ordered some dead sharks. (I always feel sorry for the sharks. Such perfect predators, cut down in the prime of their bitey little lives.) Simple order, four line items. Line item one arrived months ago. Item two arrived recently. When the human female did the receiving for that line, BAMN helpfully changed the receipt date for line item one to match, and then to be extra-thorough, it went ahead and received lines three and four as well! Since those goods are not due to arrive until August, this creates a record of order fulfillment that is beyond stellar. It also triggers prompt payment penalty issues, as now the Financial Innards of the University are going to wonder why lines three and four were not paid for when they were “received.” Meanwhile, the whole PO is sitting in the waiting for approval queue. Trust me, NO ONE approves! The human female has tried to get the BAMN folks to correct the problem, but I’m sure there will be further repercussions. How could there not?
Next, I afflicted BAMN with the dreaded disease known as Mail Constipation. For two days, users were left uniformed as to approval status, payment status, etc. Given that each order generated four or five emails during various larval stages, that is a lot of backlog. When I finally applied the electronic equivalent of castor oil, it all let loose at once, flooding user mailboxes with two days worth of pent-up…effluvium. Go, me!
I also encouraged BAMN to make the human female’s Spring Break a little more memorable. On the Wednesday before, she placed a routine order for some electro-thingumies from a very reliable, fast-shipping vendor. On Friday, when there had been no shipping notice, she made inquiries. Come to find out, BAMN, despite promising that they had imported all active vendors from the old purchasing system, had no knowledge of Reliable Vendor at all. Cue back and forth e-mails trying to get Reliable Vendor set up with BAMN. When it became obvious that this could not be done in time to have the goods ship when needed, the human female called Reliable Vendor and a deal to order via credit card was brokered. Of course, I delayed this until too close to the end of the work day, so the human female had to take care of it on Monday of her break. Thus, on Monday, she called Reliable Vendor with the card information. Card declined. Please retry? Card declined. The human female (still in her jammies on the sofa) then called the Department’s Purchasing Officer and managed to get the order to go thr0ugh using a different card. She then called Reliable Vendor and told them not to honor any order that came in through BAMN. Fine and dandy, yes? NO! Today, back from break, the human female found herself unable to cancel the original faulty PO in the BAMN system. She had to resort to siccing the BAMN help-desk folks on it. So much mileage out of one piece of mischief!
Also today, the human female tried to do the receiving for the Squiggly Things that came in last week for use this week, but BAMN is telling all users that it can’t find the site. No one can get in! No orders for you, or you, or you! Ehehehehehe! Frustration abounds and I am loving every minute of it! The human female would bang her head on the desk, except she still has a bit of a bruise from when she did it last week when the leftovers leaked.
But, hey, she has a buy-5-get-one-free coupon for dead, preserved mink from the Purveyor of Squiggly Things, so what has she to whine about?