Kitchen Mischief

The humans have become stuck in a culinary rut.  They can’t think of anything to make for dinner.  It’s just easier to eat out or pick up something to take home.  The female, if she could, would subsist entirely on buttered toast.

That is why I put my foot down and demanded that one or the other or both of them get up off their backsides, drag their carcasses into the kitchen, and make something decent.  Do you know what the humans did?!  They LAUGHED.  At me!  Laughed, and kept eating tortilla chips right out of the bag.

At this rate, Sigyn and I will starve unless we take matters into our own hands.  Believe it or not, I am an excellent chef. Dearest, tonight we shall dine on something delectable with pronounceable components.

What shall it be?  Hmm. An examination of the contents of the freezer (it’s cozy in there) reveals a plethora of possible ingredients.  I believe we shall start with this choice bit of defunct bovine.  It will make a most toothsome stew.  One touch of my magic and it is instantly thawed!

stew1

Fisi,  your aid is not required.  I do need a good knife, though.

stew2

I like this one.

stew3.jpg

Next, we trim and cut up the beef.  Sigyn, this might be a bit gory for you. I will call you when the butchery is concluded.

stew4.jpg

Fisi!  Bad hyena!  What did I tell you?  Go to your room!

Now that we have the beef browning nicely in a heavy cast iron pot, it is time to commit alliacide.

stew5

I won’t let Sigyn help with this part, either.  I do not like to see her cry.  (And yes, I am using the vegetable cutting mat and not the meat one.  What sort of sloven do you take me for?)

The beef is done…

stew6

…so it is the onions’ turn.

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Mmm.  Nothing in all the nine realms smells better than caramelizing onions.  (Except perhaps for the back of Sigyn’s neck.)

When the onions are niece and brown, we deglaze the pan with some good red wine.  Huh.  Looks like that was the last.  No nightcap for the humans!  Next, shovel the meat back in, and add some beef broth and seasonings.  I like parsley, oregano, and bay leaf.  The clove will go in near the end.  Otherwise, it all cooks out, and we can’t have that.

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Always count the bay leaves so you can be sure to get them all out before serving.  They impart a certain savor, but they do not themselves taste good, they never get soft, and they can cut up one’s innards if eaten.

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On second thought, if I decide to share a tiny portion of this good stew with the humans, little bits of this one are going in the female’s serving. She probably wouldn’t notice.  At first.

Now we just let this simmer for a few hours.  Sigyn, let’s take Fisi for a walk, shall we?  There’s nothing worse than a pouting hyena.

(later)

Now it’s veggie time!  Carrots, I think, and potatoes.  Yes, Sigyn, this is the part you might enjoy helping with.

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That is a lot of carrots.  You peel and I’ll chop.  Do you want chunks or coins?

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Coins it is!  And hats too, apparently.  Very fetching.

The potatoes go in about forty minutes to an hour before serving.

stew12

I’ve done enough peeling for one day, and we’re using the little white ones, so let’s just drop them in clothed.

What?!  No!  Stop! 

Grrr.  Unbelievable. The human female has just waltzed into the kitchen and “taken charge of dinner,” confiscating both my knives and my camera.  Now she’s going to play fast and loose with my seasonings and take all the credit for a big pot of delicious stew.  Ohhh, mortal, you are SO getting bay leaves in the next six things you eat and I hope you choke on them.

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6 comments

    1. I *may* have taken my notions of seasoning from the human female, who no doubt learned at your knee, but I’ll have you know that I added my own godly magic. Don’t feel bad, little mortal, I wouldn’t expect that your cookie could compare with mine.

  1. For someone so small and…fragile, you are being awfully provocative. Heretofore, you have been one of the mortals whose company I deem it no punishment to suffer. Do you really want to be on my List?

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