I am very bored at the human female’s place of work. She is doing something with orders and spreadsheets and listening to the same music she has been listening to for over a week now, and there aren’t any freshman students around to harass, so I have convinced one of the techs that she smells gas in one of the lab rooms.
Now, the staff of the University take gas leaks Very Seriously, so the human female has jogged down to the lab room where, sure enough, I’ve created a faint whiff of mercaptan to liven up a dull afternoon.
A whiff is enough to trigger an evacuation, so the human female has now pulled the little handle (I get in trouble when I do it, but suuure, it’s okay for her) and everyone is moseying outside. I do mean “moseying.” The students are so busy phoning everyone they know that they are just sort of shuffling toward the stairs. I’m having to poke a few of the hindmost in the bum with Gungnir to get them to actually leave. Thor’s bitty ballpeen! Snap out of it, you dolts! Don’t you know you could be on the verge of expiring in a giant fireball!
You know it’s summer in Texas when the
cattle students congregate in whatever shade is available.
This is all very exciting! The students grumped at the human female about missing their feline dissection lab. The pedestrians passing by are grumping at the human female as she directs them away from the evacuated building. The police and emergency services and fire department have showed up, and they are grumping at the human female because they have found (surprise!) no evidence of a gas leak at all.
Oooh! She’s in trouble now! She’s up in the room with the supposed leak, surrounded by the building proctor, all the emergency people, and folks from the Physical Plant. None of the fancy professional sniffer devices can detect even a fraction of a part per billion of gas, and they’re all saying that surely she has mistaken the smell of the dissection kitties down the hall for that of gas. They are unamused about being dragged out on a false alarm. Ehehehehe! This is great! I should have done this long ago! The more she protests, the stupider she looks.
Here comes someone else, one of the regular Physical Plant workers. Uh oh–hey what are you doing with that soapy water? No, stop!
You…you mean that bubble indicates that there really *is* a small gas leak? I was making things up and the human female actually smelled real live gas? Unbelievable! Now they’re all commending her on doing the Right Thing. Rats! The whole situation is now a totally wasted prank. And what’s worse, I don’t get any credit for calling attention to a potentially dangerous situation!
Grrr. I cannot let things rest as they are, with the gas shut off, a pat on the head for the human female, and a work order to fix the faulty nozzle. How can I salvage my afternoon?
I know! I will direct the work crew to find the who-knows-how-old, mummified fetal pig specimen stuffed behind the woodwork under the sink cabinet by some long departed students of yore. There! Everyone is suitably mystified and grossed out. I feel a little better.
Want to see the piggy? No? Very well, you can stop reading now. I’ll just put Wilbur’s photo down a ways for anyone who is morbidly curious…. (But if you want to read the clever tags on this post, I think you’ll have to risk it. Ehehehehehe.)
This way to the mummified piglet \/
You know you want to…
A little further…
Dehydrated bacon coming right up…
Not long now…
There he is!