The Kitchen is a Scary Place, Part III: I’m Grate, How Are You?

The humans seem to have a ridiculous number of utensils devoted to grating. By all means, let us examine this collection of knuckle-shredders!

There’s a box grater.


See, Sigyn?  It has four different faces, so that you can choose just what size you want the little bits of knuckle to be.

This little one looks relatively harmless by comparison.  And it’s green.


Mine, now.

Heimdall’s Horny Helmet!  Sigyn, come look at this tinny contraption!  It’s some sort of antique tumble-grater-grinder.


It is frightening from any angle:


See?  Food goes in the little square chute and is grated against the drum when the handle is turned.


And just in case you managed not to hurt yourself with normal operation, it comes with a set of different drums…


…so that you can shred your fingertips in the drum-changing process.

Oooh!  No! Wait!  Look at this sleek, black beauty.  Truly, this is the King of Graters!


Just look at those blades!  So sharp… So shiny…  I have seen the the human female reduce large carrots to confetti in seconds with this.  See how the little blades are made?  It grates on both the downstroke and the upstroke, for twice the destructive power.  Last time she had it out, I added a special little baffle of my own to the back.  It now distributes the tiny bits over as large an area of countertop (and sink and stove and floor and person) as is mathematically possible.  She will definitely want to keep knuckles away from this magnificent machine, or else the kitchen will look like the last act of a slasher film.

This is fun!  What next?

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  1. Loki…. while you are rummaging around in the gadget drawer, could you look around the kitchen for the female human’s recipe collection?
    I hear she makes a great dish with Rumex hastatulus.
    She has got to be a superb cook because she has all those items you have discovered in her kitchen.
    Oh, yes!!! a Veggetti is another great torture tool.

  2. Kitchen TERROR is a good tag for this one! Some of those devilish vices would be very effective as instruments of torture…and the idea of blood and bits of flesh being flung about, as far and wide as carrot shreds, is absolutely horrifying!

    BUT, My Dear Loki, maybe someone should point out to you that many of those lovely metal graters would certainly take bites out of a tiny plastic body almost as well as human knuckles!

    Even if the human female doesn’t try to shave a few millimeters off your little Lego legs, she could still round off the top of your beloved Gungnir or reduce the horns of your majestic helmet to golden pig-tails!

    Maybe you should try being NICER to the humans whose home you have claimed for your own!

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