Ooof. After all that candy, I was in very real danger of becoming too sweet, so I had to make sure to do some serious mischief. Usually the human female is the target of my ire, but the human male is pretty annoying, too, so it was his turn. I waggled my fingers and said a little spell. Observe a moment of silence, please, for the very dead battery in his phone.
Oh, that was fun! There is no authorized repair shop for his brand of phone in this town, so he had to forgo his precious Sunday afternoon nap and drive all the way to the outskirts of the Big City to the South to get it dealt with. When the geeky people opened it up, they found the battery swollen magnificently, such that they feared the phone itself was a loss. They offered him their sole refurbished phone, but the remnants of my spell were still clinging to him and Behold! Every key he touched did something marvelous and unexpected. Typing text yielded a screen full of emojis. Trying to stop it launched a host of programs he had no desire to invoke. It was most gloriously possessed! The geeks told him he was welcome to traipse about Houston in an attempt to find another. In the end, they offered him a very good deal on a new phone (which I suspect was their aim all along), and here it is:
Sleek. Slim. Shiny. A marvel of modern communications technology. Except for one little thing. Look right here:
Do you see it? Do you see it? OF COURSE YOU DON’T! BECAUSE IT ISN’T THERE!
What sort of idiot builds a phone with no outlet for an earphone jack?!
What if the human male wants to use this tangled mess to listen to some of his boring music, or one of his tedious podcasts?!
There just isn’t a place to shove this bit.
The Maker of Misfit Phones’ solution to this
problem feature is to supply this little bit of tech:
Now I ask you, doesn’t this have the look of something that could end up down the sofa, fall out of a backpack, or otherwise meet with mischievous mishaps?
It even has a stupid name. Who came up with “dongle“? Admittedly, it’s fun to say. Dongle, dongle, dongle, dongle, dongledongledongle. DONgle. DonGLE. The word has lost all meaning!
Anyhow, employing it means a cumbersome arrangement. This is one to file under “S” for “stoopid.”
It looks broken from the get-go, does it not? But the human male says this is what one has to do to utilize the midget “lightning cable.”
Lightning cable? Hey, Hammer-happy! Are you sure you didn’t have something to do with this wretched design?
“By Mjolnir, Brother, I did not! Verily, I think it as stoopid as you do!”
When WE agree on something, you know it stinks.