Day: May 22, 2017

What We Need Here Is a Bulldozer, Part I: On Any Flat Surface

Midgard is home to a number of strange beasts.  In the jungles of the realm of Asia dwells an arboreal beast known as a binturong.  These are binturongs:

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Basically, they are like walking doormats, with long, grabby tails that drag behind them like bags of dirty laundry.  Binturongs may, with some difficulty, be kept as pets.   One would do well to remember, however, that even though they have abundant whiskers, “darling” little ears (according to Sigyn), and a natural scent that is said to be like that of popcorn, they habitually defecate exclusively on flat surfaces.

I submit to you that the humans are binturongs that have learned to walk upright because by Idunn’s little green apples they leave crap on every flat surface in the house. I am not in jest.  Let us examine some of the effluvia present on the dining room table today.

This is like some freakish game of “I spy.”  Let’s see:  soda bottle, flyer for a restaurant that will chicken-fry pretty much anything, smeary eyeglasses, some of the human female’s dry-eye drops, a bottle cap, and three pinch clips, two of which I know for a fact were handouts at a science product show.

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I spy:  the corner of a clipboard, two pens, a pencil, a hair elastic, and a Grand Opening announcement for a veterinary hospital whose address was incorrectly listed.

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You will note that the human female felt compelled to point out the error (there is no such street as ‘Arlington’ in this town) in permanent marker, even though no one at the pet hospital or the printer of the advertisement can see her scribbling.

Looking at the rest of this mess, I’d say the advertising circulars almost deserve a post all to themselves.  Did you see this page, Sigyn?  One can purchase personalized checks.  You’d like the ones with butterflies, wouldn’t you?

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Augh!  Checks with my “brother” and his stupid friends!  And lightning checks, also for Thor!  Grrrr. Why are there no checks with images pertinent to MY interests?

Because the humans like to eat (or in the female’s case, eat and eat and eat), the grocery advertisements can usually be found among the detritus on the table.  Sigyn is pleased to learn that grapes are coming into season and may be had cheaply.  I approve of their color.

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Along with the shopping ads are loose coupons.  The humans are famous for hoarding coupons as if they were gold ingots– and then forgetting to use them before they expire.

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The human female is very good at gobbling up this particular new brand of bacteria-laden fermented milk product.  I have tasted it and I concur.  Quite nice, and it comes in unusual flavors such as strawberry-rhubarb and pumpkin.  The fact that it is full-fat and has more than twice the calories as all the other brands might have something to do with her burgeoning waistline, but even she would find it difficult to eat five at once.

Actually that coupon is part of a little game I’ve devised for her.  I have hacked the store’s coupon-printer so that it prints what I tell it.  I started with “buy one, get a coupon worth fifty cents on your next purchase of two.”  Then it was “buy two, get a coupon for one dollar off on your next purchase of four,” and so on, as you can see.  Every time she takes the deal, I up the ante.  I’m trying to see how many I can get her to buy at once, with the aim of filling the entire refrigerator with yogurt.  But this coupon languished under some other papers and has long since expired, so I’ll have to make sure she gets it again.  Or maybe I’ll skip right over five and go for a “save two dollars on six“…

We have only just scratched the surface here, junk-wise, so stay tuned.

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