A Most Interesting Catalog, Part II: Disillusionment

Sigyn and I are having fun, picking out animals to order from this unusual catalog.  Some animals we want because they are beautiful.  Some, because they are useful or amusing.  Others just have funny names.

Ehehehehe!  Behold, the Pacific Spookfish!   And what is a “cookiecutter shark“?  It sounds cute, but I imagine it’s probably just as bitey as all the others.

Ordering all of these animals is going to really add up!  Of course, I’m going to put it all on the human female’s credit card, so price is no object.

Come, my love, let us find the order form.  It’s probably at the back.

There’s nothing here.  I don’t understand.  Come to think of it, there are no prices listed and no price list, either.  What kind of catalog is this?!

Ah.  I think I may know what the problem is.

This is not a book from which one may order animals…

It is a book about the taxonomic Orders of the animals.

And it’s not even a proper book.  It  is actually a calendar.

With the lamest calendar grid ever.

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A Most Interesting Catalog, Part I: Unlimited Creatures

The human female has brought home a most interesting catalog.  Instead of photographs of all the goods, there are little paintings.  Sigyn is quite intrigued because it is all ANIMALS.

Yes, my love, that is a very fine whale.  But where would you put it?

Sigyn is intrigued by the spotted whatsis.

I am more curious about this microcephalic lynx.

Ah–butterflies.  Sigyn likes butterflies!

Predictably, she likes the little red one, while I think the big green one is magnificent.

Ah, hoofstock.  I do appreciate a good set of horns!

But I think the giraffe is defective.  Possibly some corgi in its bloodline.

I can take frogs or leave them, but I have seen videos of this little fellow, number twenty-two.

It would be a most amusing thing to put one of these in the human female’s backpack.  Or her lunch sack.

Sigyn is very excited about the items on this page.  I can understand her enthusiasm.  Marsupials are very handy, what with their convenient pouches.

Sigyn has always wanted a quokka, but I’m more of a numbat aficionado myself.

I can’t help thinking the shipping on all this is going to be murder.

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Sustenance!

The human female, in an attempt to purchase raiment with which to conceal her hideousness, is at the mall, clothes shopping.   It is not going very well.  If she likes it, she can’t afford it.  If she likes it and she can afford it, it doesn’t come in her size.  If she likes it and she can afford it and it’s available in her size, it still somehow doesn’t fit.  (She’s lumpy in all the wrong places.)

She’s been limping up and down the mall for a while now and is feeling peckish.  Time for a snack!  Come on,  Sigyn, let’s join her in the Food Court.

Mmm.  Something smells good!

In my book, it is always a good time for fried chicken.

She’s eating at a place called Cane’s.  Usually, the humans eat at a chicken place called Layne’s.  They’re loyal customers.  I think I’ll tattle on her and get her blackballed… She’s purchased the Kiddie Meal, as if eating a smaller portion will make it somehow not gobbling.  

Sigyn has never been known to pass up a French fry.  I think she just likes the fact that ketchup is red.

The Kiddie Meal comes with a story on the bag and a set of “story coins” inside.  One is supposed to put the coins in the blanks in the story to finish it out.  Let me see if I can’t help the human out.

“The human female’s chance of finding jeans that fit are about the same as her riding a purple unicorn across the desert and running into a peg-legged pirate and a penguin.

Because as long as she keeps visiting places like Cane’s and eating like a horse, her days of being as lithe and agile as a cat are looooong gone.

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A Vision for the Future

Years ago, when I had not been on Midgard long, before I had even met my beloved Sigyn and had only glimpsed her from afar,  I made it my stated goal to come to rule all of Midgard, beginning with this University.  I identified one of the central buildings on campus as a good candidate for my base of operations.  I have revisited it from time to time —mostly to avail myself of the coinage that tends to accumulate at the feet of an effigy of one of this institution’s former leaders.

It was a good choice then, and it is a good choice now.  Evidently someone else thinks so, and now I feel an even stronger affinity for this place.

Behold!   All that remains is to replace the seal on the rotunda floor with my own insignia.  Oh, and to erect a suitably magnificent statue of myself in front!

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Sigyn, I Do Not Think I Like This…

Sigyn has had opportunity recently to have a ride in the car belonging to the Blue-haired Goddaughter.  This small white vehicle was in need of a bit of a clean-out, with all sorts of interesting rubbish strewn about.  Sigyn carried home a few things and is showing them to the human female as things she’d like to try.

What?!  Whoa!  What is this?  “Urban Decay”?

While that sounds very full of mischief and right up my alley, I don’t like the thought of my Sigyn and “naked” together out in public.

And this is just entirely too much!  Sweetie, I appreciate your interest in edgy cosmetics, but let’s see if we can’t find you some with better names.

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There’s A Candy Bar for Everyone

The humans are back in the market again.  The cart is full of fruits and vegetables, but the female is side-eyeing the candy near the checkout.   She says she can hear it calling her.  She also says that some of the bars appear to be meant especially for me.

I don’t understand what she’s talking about.  (But then, I often don’t.  She’s pretty incomprehensible.)

Isn’t that just like her, though?  Always looking out for my best interests.

Ugh! What is taking the checker so long?!  I just want to get home.  I have things to do!  Hurry it up, people!

Oh, look. One for the human female.

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Return of the Dead Cat Ballet

You didn’t really think I’d let this go, did you?

Astute readers may recall that the human female was struggling to pay for the latest shipment of Dead Things.

She’s still struggling.  The whole flap initially was that there was one invoice for the Purveyor of Dead Things at the right Vendor ID Number and one with the wrong VID.  As far as the human female knows, it should have been possible to just tear up the wrong one, but both had been cancelled.

She looked again a few days ago, and there are STILL two invoices attached to the PO, but both are showing the right VID and one is for the mostly complete shipment, and another for the backordered things.  Both are cancelled.  The PODT has been asked to provide a new one.  Maybe it’ll get paid.  Maybe it won’t.  Only the Bean Counters really know (and they work for me.)

Meanwhile…

Three boxes of ACTUAL DEAD CATS have shown up!  These were ordered back in May from the Purveyor of Squiggly Things (who also deals in Dead Things, though they’re not as well-preserved as the Dead Things from the PODT–are you following all of this?)  They were ordered because the PODT couldn’t promise 14 stiff kitties, so the human female ordered these as backup, because the POST said they could deliver.

The ones from PODT got here weeks ago.

It doesn’t show on the packing slips, but the order was specifically for 6 female and 8 male.  What did she get?  10 female and 4 male.

Ehehehehe!  This may be my very favorite prank EVER.

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They’re Celebrating…Something, Part II: Stuffing Ourselves With Stuffed Things

It’s time to cook all the little stuffies the humans brought home from the market.

Poor, sad, cold little bao.  A nice hot sauna will fix you right up!

It’s a double-decker sauna, so there will be room for the shoe thingies as well.

I hope they’re prettier when they’re cooked, because that raw-looking, fishy-pink filling is sort of grossing me out.

The little pot-sticker dumplings are having a hot bath of their own.  Careful, Sigyn, that pan is likely quite hot!

The lumpy cylinders are in the oven and will have to be turned halfway through their cooking time.

All done!  I fiddled with the sauna, so the goodies in there took much longer than anticipated, but everything is finally ready.

The bao might be a little overdone…

… but their innards are still tasty!  Mmm.   Porky bits.

(poke, poke, poke.) I STILL don’t trust these things.

The little dumplings and the Lumpy rolls came out all right, though, so we will not starve!

Let’s open the package of tiny moon cakes. The humans bought these because they were TOO CHEAP to buy one of the fancy gift boxes of cakes from the display  near the checkout.

Hmm.  Like the red and green color scheme, but somehow I don’t think this is a seasoning or icing packet…

Think the humans will eat it if I tell them that it is?

Let’s try one of the purple cakes.

Nom nom nom.   The first ingredient is sugar, isn’t it?  How many little adzuki beans gave up their tiny lives to make this sweet?  They might have died in vain, because there isn’t really any beany flavor.

(poke, poke, poke)

This is truly a  most inscrutable comestible!  I have poked it.  I have tasted it. I have read the list of ingredients thrice over—and I still  have no idea what flavor this is supposed to be!

Mmmm, yellow.

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They’re Celebrating…Something, Part I: I Don’t Trust Any of This Stuff

The humans are celebrating…something.  They didn’t start out to do it.  No, they just decided that dragging Sigyn and me along and meeting up with the blue-haired goddaughter at one of the local grocery markets to pick out a variety of “fun things to eat” sounded like a good idea.   Then when they got there, they discovered that some of the local populace are celebrating the moon, because it’s August.  Or maybe October.  Except it isn’t.  It’s September.

I do not know what its going on. When I take over, I am going to straighten this whole calendar mess right the heck out.

This is a very… unusual store.  Even my Allspeak isn’t up to translating all the labels.  Why can’t everyone use runes like civilized peoples do?

Sigyn, there are some truly bizarre items on offer here.  Do you want to try the fish meat sausage with cheese?  

Me, neither.   I’m just ready to go home—and come back another day with a camera, because I KNOW no one will believe me about the fish meat sausages.

(later)

Safely home!  Let’s see what the humans did buy.  There is quite an assortment of packages.

Ah. Stuffed bao.  We have had these before and liked them!

They won’t be the same as ones brought out by a smiling waitress in a little steamer tray, but they will probably taste good.

The package says these are Lumpy…

Well, there are some crispy-looking little blisters on them as a result of delicious frying, but I wouldn’t call them lumpy.  Humans are weird.

Shoe-mai?  I hope they are not made of real shoes!

I’m  sensing a theme here.  These are all stuffed things.

The humans are fetching down the bamboo steamer, oiling up a frying pan, and heating up the oven.  Twenty minutes or so from now, we should be feasting in style!

And look!  There will be more stuffed things for dessert!

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This Is What I Have To Put Up With

It is well after midnight, an hour in which all sensible mortals and even all-powerful Gods of Mischief should be long abed and fast asleep.

And I WAS, until a horrible scraping, bumping noise woke me up!  There is a scuffling and a scrabbling and a bonking and a couple of thuds.  Unbelievable!   I fear lest Sigyn should wake also, so I will venture forth, dagger in hand, to see what this untimely disturbance is all about.

Ah.

 This.

Clearly, she is not possessed of  the intelligence vested in an eggplant, but I will give the creature several points for persistence.

Now may we please have some quiet?  Some of us have serious mischief to do tomorrow!

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