Day: September 14, 2017

The Dead Cat Ballet, The Sequel

This year’s Dead Cat Ballet was such a smashing success (or maybe just a smash-up) that I am directing a Sequel!

The human female, after much back-and-forthing,  says that she finally convinced the Purveyors of Dead Things to send her the nine sharks, ten sheep eyeballs, ten fish, twenty-five clams, and two-hundred and twenty pig hearts that were missing from the order.  Actually, I’m not sure she did convince them, because the PODT rep kept saying things like, “But we sent you all the fish,” and the human female kept saying things like, “Yes, that is the number that was on the packing slip, but it is not the number that you shipped.”  I think what happened is that the PODT just got tired of dealing with her and decided it was worth a pallet of Dead Things to SHUT HER UP.  If they keep a black list, she’s probably on it.

When the Supplemental Dead Things arrived, the pig hearts were in boxes of ten.  Some of the boxes weighed about twenty pounds and some only half that.  Suspecting that the packers at PODT cannot math any better than the shippers, the human female opened some of the boxes.  All contained ten hearts.  It’s just that some were MUCH larger than the others.  Some porkers have more compassion, I suppose.

And now, the heart of this new drama:  The human female cannot pay for this colossal assemblage of once-living organisms.

I’ll let that sink in.

It’s not that her Introductory Biology Program is bankrupt, it’s that the Bean Counters are confused.  Or they hate her.  That’s equally likely.

You may recall that the Overture of the Original Production involved the issuance of one PO with two different requisition numbers, owing to the fact that the PODT has two entries in the ordering software database and the wrong one was initially selected.  (It is all about the Vendor ID number, people!)

Well, as luck Loki would have it, an invoice was generated for each requisition, even though there was only one PO and one shipment.  This engendered much flailing and wailing from the Bean Counters, who saw only one way out of this confounded, Ghordian predicament:

The human female was directed to write up another Purchase Order for the same purchase, complete with all seventeen line items and product numbers, etc., and submit it for purchase but clearly marked Do Not Distribute.  Thus, they reasoned, there would be two POs and two invoices and everything would be very tidy.   Except, you know, for the fact that generating a PO first generates a requisition.  But hey, if two is fun, three would be MORE fun.

The human female suggested that the Bean Counters A) Get hold of themselves and B) take the radical and unprecedented step of tearing up the invoice that is for the wrong VID.   After all, it is not as if the PODT is expecting to be paid twice for the same goods. (Or maybe they are… Perhaps as an “Idiot Tax” for having to deal with the human female.  That would be fun.)

There has, at this point, been much back-and-forth emailing and leaving of comments on the PO in the ordering system.  At one point, the human female was taken to task for responding to a comment via email and not as a further comment—by a Bean Counter whose reprimand she received only as an email and not as a comment.  The initial, you-must-make-a-duplicate-order Bean Counter has been strangely silent recently, with the thread taken up by two further Bean Counters.  By my count there are now at least three Bean Counters involved, all of whom keep asking “What should we do?!”   The human female has –in a comment, of course—explained everything, with dates and VIDs and requisition numbers, but still, no one can figure out how to cut a check.

The last time the human female looked at the history of the PO, BOTH invoices were marked as cancelled, so she has no clue what’s going on.

Ehehehe! I’m not done with this!  It’s my sincere hope that the human female ends up on some scientific blacklist for Bad Purchasers and that the PODT will never again sell her so much as a sheep pluck.   That way, she’d either have to find a vendor of inferior products or else go out and collect and pickle all the corpses and offal herself.

Stay tuned, kiddies, it’s not over yet!

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