Month: November 2017

All Part of My Master Plan…

I do not care for Midgardian sports much.  Football least of all.   All that striving and contending and scrambling about and tackling and hitting and bloodshed —and nothing is actually won!  No lands change hands, no rulers are overthrown, and all the combatants just get up and walk away.  No one passes to Valhalla.  It’s pointless.

However, recent events have convinced me that perhaps I should pay a little more attention.  This.  This happened.

Odin’s Eyepatch!  That is a magnificent and tempting sum!  I think I now know how to significantly advance my plans for world domination, beginning with this University.

  1. Obtain the position of next Head Coach of the University’s football team
  2. Encourage my warriors to fight fiercely and triumph for about three years
  3. Let the reins slip a bit so that the win/loss ratio tumbles
  4. Insist that the team change its uniform colors from maroon and white to green and gold
  5. Channel the outrage at the University (and the Smaller University Up the River, whose colors are green and gold) into getting myself fired
  6. Collect a handsome remuneration for being shown the door

I’ve been over this plan a dozen times and can’t find a flaw.

I’m going to need bigger coffers.

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What’s Behind Door Number 302? Part IV: ‘Cause This is Chiller

There is more than gloves, Squiggly/Leggedy Things, and Planty Things in this room.  This is also where the human female and her staff keep the ultra cold freezer and the special refrigerator that can hold flammable things.  That last appliance doesn’t make any sense.  If something is on fire, it’s not exactly cold.

Let’s see what we have.

This is the inside of the ultra cold.  It runs at about negative 50 centipede.

ultracold

I know what you’re thinking, that I used the wrong word.  I, Loki, the Silvertongued, do not make errors of vocabulary or elocution.  This is where the human female’s staff puts the naughty, vicious centipedes after they are done observing them.  You thought I was joking about Centipede Valhalla, didn’t you?  By now they have probably run more than fifty centipedes through this thing.

The colorful blocky things are for holding test tubes of DNA and whatnot.  Congratulations, human female!  Now all your equipment has been contaminated with Jotun DNA.  Your next PCR experiment should be very interesting.

Oh, Sigyn!  You are shivering!  Let us move to the flammable fridge.  It’s bound to be warmer in there, one way or the other.

Some of these containers look very old.  Look at the dates!  They haven’t been used in years.  (I don’t think they clean out this fridge very often…)

ultracold2

Hmm.  Two jars of lanolin.  Greasy sheep paste!  You could have yourself some very soft skin, Sigyn.  But if I’m reading the labels correctly, the humans use this stuff as a carrier for plant growth regulators.  What do you think, my sunflower?  Shall we open the tiny container of indole-3- acetic acid, an auxin which promotes shoot growth, mix up a little batch, and see if we can make you taller?

lanolin

Just kidding!  You are perfect the way you are.

Sigyn is interested in these jars of green liquid.  “Chlorophyll extract.”  <sniff, sniff>  Whew!  Essence of spinach, with hints if diethyl ether, petroleum ether, and acetone.  Whiffy stuff!

chlorophyll

Yes, my love, chlorophyll is supposed to be healthy for you.  No, I do not think you should drink this.  I do not think the acetone would do you any good.

If you are still craving something green when this adventure is over, we can go and have a nice salad somewhere.

In the far corner of the room is the ice maker.  Sometimes, when the human female has been particularly vexing, I come in here to think and cool off.

There’s a big sign saying that the ice isn’t for human consumption,

loki-ice

but I’ve been known to nibble…

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What’s Behind Door Number 302? Part III: A Fern or Something

Room 302 houses not only Squiggly Things and gloves, it’s also home to a host of Leafy Bits.  This is much more Sigyn’s thing and the human female’s.  Flowers are somewhat interesting, but no flowers here.  All this all-green stuff looks alike to me.

fern

Nephrolepis?  Pteridium?  Adiantum?  Who knows?  Who cares!

This one’s a little more interesting.  It has very strangely-shaped leaves.

flytrap

Baldur’s biscuits!  The human female says it eats insects.   Apparently it flaps those eyelashy leaf ends and just snaps them right up!  Now, that’s my kind of vegetation!   Sigyn, do you suppose it eats crickets?  Could we try?  No?  Awww.

Ehehehehe!  Now this is actually my doing.  This tank is supposed to contain Nitella, which the human female uses as the example of “an advanced green alga, a member of the group supposedly the closest kin to land plants.”  She obtains this pondweed from the Alternative Purveyor of Squiggly things (the POST does not stock it).

nitella-not

There is generally some left over at the end of each semester, so she or her staff just dump it right in this tank.  If it survives, they don’t buy new the next semester, just use what’s here.  Thrifty, I suppose.

Except that, as one of the more astute Lab Instructors observed this semester when he put a bit of this under the microscope and up on the television for his class to observe, this isn’t actually Nitella.   Ehehehehe!  I was wondering when someone would notice.

You see, some time ago, I swapped out the Nitella for some other aquatic festoonage.  I don’t even remember what.  The human female has had it under a microscope, but she just scratches her scrofulous head and shrugs.  Near as she can figure, it’s some sort of aquatic moss.   It raises all sorts of questions.  Such as:

What is this stuff?

How long has it been here?

and

How come no one mentioned til now that it absolutely does not resemble Nitella in the slightest?

Instant gratification is a lovely thing, but sometimes the best bits of mischief are those which have to     ripen     slowly…

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What’s Behind Door Number 302? Part II: These Were Meant To Be Ours

Room 302, aside from being the Squiggly Things room, is also an overflow space for various consumable supplies.  It’s mostly boring things like paper towels and cotton swabs and little plastic cups and bigger plastic cups.

This is also one of the many stash places for gloves.  Soooo many gloves.  (Either the humans are really clean or really dirty.  I’m not sure which.)

This is my size.

loki-glove

Behold!  I come bearing tidings of safe reagent handling and great mischief which shall be to all people!

Sigyn, have you found the right box for you yet?

sigyn-gloves

Yes, she has!  Sigyn definitely needs the small ones.  Extra small might be even better, but the human female is too cheap to buy any.

sigyn-gloves2

Sigyn is very excited about these gloves,  much more than I think they warrant, but I’m not sure why.

Oh, wait.  Now I understand.  It’s not the gloves themselves that have tickled her fancy, it’s the notion that …

moregloves

…once again, we’ve managed to find things with our initials.  Clever Sigyn!  I hadn’t noticed.

That must mean that all those other boxes are for Mortals.

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What’s Behind Door Number 302? Part I: Leggedy Things

Sigyn, do you know what the human female is keeping in room 302?  No?  Neither do I.  It’s uncharted territory.  Like most unexplored places, it can be very difficult to get to.  Mostly because I magicked the card reader on the door and it almost never works.  The human female doesn’t even try anymore.  She just punches in the code —which I have managed to suss out.

So now, while the humans are sleeping off their enormous turkey dinners,  we can explore!

Aha!  This is where the human female and her staffers keep the living organisms.  I guess this is where all the beasties obtained from the Purveyor of Squiggly Things reside.

Let us greet the denizens in order of legginess.  First up, with eight apiece, are the tarantulas.  They all have names.  This one is called Rose.   No need to be frightened, Sigyn.  She can’t get out.

tarantula

I think…

Actually, if we are going by order of legginess, by all rights we should start with the crickets, which are the tarantula equivalent of Chex Mix.  Crickets have six legs, but they’re boring and smelly, so that’s why I skipped them.

Next would be the centipedes, but they’re fast and bitey, and intent on escaping, so they get to go to Centipede Valhalla soon after the students look at them.  There aren’t any live ones this late in the semester.

So that brings us to millipedes, which have more legs than I can be bothered to count.  They don’t do much, just crawl around slowly and occasionally munch on some potato slices.

centipede

They like to nap curled up like little watch mainsprings.  You know, if watch mainsprings had legs and antennae and were detritus feeders…

Then there are the hermit crabs.  I’m not sure how many leggies they have, because they seldom venture out of their borrowed shells long enough for anyone to get a good count.

Just to make the human female’s life a little more surreal, I think I’ll leave this Broken Equipment Report Form in the crab enclosure.

crabnote

Start the clock—let’s see how long it takes for anyone to notice.

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I’d Like to Propose a Toast

Remember that the humans had to buy a new toaster because the last one ended up full of glass?

Well, the human male apparently hasn’t read the instructions.  You see, he woke up this morning wanting a toasted English muffin, so he dropped one in the toaster.  When it was toasted just right, he wanted to interrupt the process.

He should have pushed this little button:

toaster2

It has the humans’ international symbol for “No.”  You’d think that’d be obvious.

Instead, at my prompting, the human male just flipped up the lever.

toaster1

This had the immediate effect of launching the small round breakfast high in the air.  It landed with a plop and skidded under the refrigerator, whence the human male retrieved it.

fuzzymuffin

Mmm, breakfast.

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Shopping With Sigyn is Always an Adventure

The humans have ventured out to one of the local markets that carries home goods.  Sigyn and I have tagged along just to get out of the house.

This leucistic theropod would ordinarily be terrifying, but…

trex

A.  His arms are not only tiny, they’re attached to his chest.

B.  Sigyn has a way with animals.

C.  He has his golden bow-tie on.  Clearly he’s dressed for a night on the town, not the slaughter of innocents.

Sigyn, what are you doing now?   The humans have moved on, and we’re in danger of being left behind.

bear1

Ah, teaching tricks to polar bears.  How clever of you!  But do come along.

Augh!  What now?!  She’s the dearest person, truly, but does she have to stop and chat with every. single. quadruped. on. the. planet?

llama

Dinosaurs in bow-ties, be-tasseled llamas, and polar bears in poorly-painted top hats.  None of this makes a great deal of sense.

Now where’s she gone?

bear2

Sigh.  Hang on, sweetheart.  Loki’s coming.

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