Month: March 2018

Parting Words (Sigyn Speaks)

We’re going home!  The Great Goober’s mumbled slurrings were, “Perhaps,” and the inducement of enormous gems was apparently sufficient to convince him to help us out.  Oh, I’m so glad!   It’s been an adventure, but I’m ready to go home to the humans and the cats and the spring wildflowers, which must surely be out by now!

Besides, the longer we stay, the greater the likelihood of Loki doing or saying something completely unforgivable.  I recall that the Goober has a short temper, and I would hate to fall afoul of him or his large, plushy wife.

And it seems that the Queen want to speak to us before we leave!  Here we are in her private audience chamber, where she is enjoying another of her Paul Bunyan-worthy s’mores.

goober-queen2

“I am pleased to have met you tiny folk.  I hope you will visit again sometime, but that your magic, Green One, may improve enough not to land here wildly, without reason or direction, but that you may send yourselves—or better yet, your sweetie alone–directly here to me.  You may leave now, Tiny Horned Man.  I would speak with her without your troublesome presence.”

Oh, dear.  Loki will not be pleased with that.  He’s grumbled off, but I’m sure to hear about all this later.

pusheen

“You’ll have to keep a sharp eye on that man of yours, Little One.  He’s sly, he’s manipulative, and he doesn’t have manners enough to remove his helmet in the presence of ladies.

“If you’ll take some advice from One Who Knows:  You have to let him think he’s winning. That he’s in charge.  Play to that egregious ego.  I get the feeling he’d do anything for you, so keep him busy taking care of you, and maybe he’ll stay out of trouble.”

Thank you, my Queen.  I mostly do that already.

“Smart woman.  Now, would you care to share this s’more with me?  There is plenty!”

pusheen2

Don’t mind if I do.  Mmmm.  Melted chocolate!

(later)

Oh, no!!  What do I do?!  Loki has Iggle-Nix cornered and has challenged him to a duel!  (This is carrying taking care of me too far!)

iggle-nix

No, Loki!  Please stop!  I…I know he’s kind of creepy, and I don’t like the way he looks at me, but please don’t fight him!   You don’t know what he can do with all of those tentacles!

iggle-nix3

Oh!   Oh!   Are you all right!  Are…?

Augh!  No!  Don’t kill him!  If you do, the Great Goober will be mad and we’ll never get home!

iggle-nix2

Stop it, Loki!  Let him up!  I’m too young to be a widow!

Thank you.  Now, let’s go home.

Pffft!  Boys.

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Goobers Great and Small

We have been following all the little Goobers for some time now.  I’m tired. Sigyn must be exhausted.  

We have come to the outskirts of the city–I recognize the crumbling green pavement.

palace1

The triple-eyed black fellow with the funny chef’s hat is new.  A friend of Iggle-Nix’s, no doubt.  Let’s hope the chef’s hat means sustenance is forthcoming!

(later)

Sigyn and I have eaten and drunk and bathed, and we feel properly ourselves now.  We are being escorted somewhere.  I hope it’s to the court.  No one in this realm except the Great Goober himself has the power to send us home.

And here we are!  There’s the great, green, beady-eyed Lord of the Misshapen himself, and I spy a few more familiar faces.   Greetings, Your Gooberiness!

goober1

“oH, itz yu too agin!  Wat ur yew doooin heer now?”

What?!  The Goober has learned to speak coherently! Sigyn, did you understand him?  I think I did!

goober2

O, Great Goober!  We are once again strangers–nay, pilgrims!–in your land.  We have traversed the Waste, braved the Forest of Prickly Trees, encountered Strange Beasts (and Beests), and come again unto your august hall.

“wElkum, travlerz!  It duz me haert gud too sea oo agin.  Er yu tow stil happly wed?”

Yes, yes we are.  In fact, we have had an anniversary this week!  Four years of purest wedded bliss.  (Well, the human female’s a bit of a pain to have around, but Sigyn and I are very happy!)

“Eye tu haf marryed!  Beeholdd!  This iz me luvely wifyn, ye Queene Pusheen.”

goober-queen

(By Volstagg’s gargantu-girth!  The cattish thing must outweigh the Great Goober at least two to one.  But that giant s’more bodes well for refreshments later!  But just to make sure, it is now time for some SSUserious sucking-up.)

O, Great Goober and Fair Feline Queen, truly is this room grown great, graced by your splendid presence, added to my own natural refulgence and the light of Sigyn’s radiant visage!

And Lo!  We come bearing costly gifts, because I know, O Goober, that you like sparklies.

goober-jewels

The green gem complements your magnificence, and perchance your lovely consort would like the red one?

“Mhmm.  Yesh.  We thenk yow.”

Might you be willing to do us the favor of returning us to our home?

“Prrups.”

Sigyn, did you understand that?  Me, neither.  I hope it was the gooberish equivalent of “Absolutely!  Love to. Let’s go now,” because as fine as these goobers and their monstrous monarchs are, I would really like to sleep in my own bed tonight…

>|: [

Here a Minion, There a Minion, Everywhere a Minion

We have been walking for hours.  Sigyn, my beloved, let us sit down and rest a while.  (She’s a brave soul and would continue to soldier on if I didn’t periodically feign weariness and request a halt.)

resting

Rocks are a little hard on the bottom, but it’s a bit better than sitting in the dirt.

Shhh!  I think I hear something!   What’s that, off in the distance?

somethingcoming

Hold!  Who goes there?

minion1

Fenrir’s Fleacollar!  Sigyn, look!   It’s one of the little Goobers.  The Goobers have found us!  We’re saved!  What was this one’s name again?  Um…  Yennerp, wasn’t it?

Oh.  No.  This one with the purple horns is Yennerp.

minion2

The little fellow is Snerxx.  He hasn’t grown any, has he?

And look who else is here!  Burble, old friend, how have you been?

minion3a

Uh, oh.  Is that who I think it is, sliming in over there?

minion3

Ill-met indeed, Iggle-Nix, you sleazy bastard.

minion4

You spent our entire last sojourn among your kind leering at my sweetie, and by the look in your bulbous eyes, you haven’t given up being a total sleaze.  You and I will have words before the is done.  Count on it. 

The Goobers understand us but don’t speak anything we can comprehend.  It’s time for some yes-ing and no-ing.

“Do you remember us?”  Yes.

“Are you willing to help us again?”  Yes.

“Can you take us to your leader, the one we call the Great Goober?”  Yes.”

“Iggle-Nix, are you going to cut it out, or do I need to introduce you to Gungnir?”  No.

(I expected as much. Grr.)

Well, Goobers lead on.  The sooner we reach the palace, the sooner we can eat, drink, and wash up.  We’ve been out here in the waste baking long enough!

walking-minions

>|: [

Woe May, In Fact, Be Us…

Well, Sigyn was able to cajole the… bee…thingy into giving us a little honey, so we are no longer starving.

But we are still lost.  My magic just doesn’t work well enough in this realm to send us back directly.  Four years ago, we came upon a ruined city and one thing led to another, until we ran afoul of the Great Goober and were reprieved at the last moment and sent home.

As much as I loathed His Gooberiness, I find myself wishing we could run into his scouts, get captured, and try to bribe our way back home, like last time.  But I don’t recognize any landmarks at all, so I don’t know which way to go to be intercepted.

We’ve climbed up on this promontory, so as to be able to see in all directions, but there is nothing familiar in sight.

climbing rock

Truly, it is a desolate and inhospitable place.

(later)

I haven’t said as much to Sigyn, but I am beginning to doubt that we shall make it out of here alive.  Clearly, at least one previous intrepid explorer succumbed to the elements.

deadman

I had a good rifle through the pockets for Useful Things, but came up empty-handed.  Not even so much as a match to make lighting a fire easier.

(still later)

We desperately need to get out of the sun for a bit.  Looks like there’s  bit of a cave up ahead.  Surely it will be cooler inside, or at the very least, shady.

mine1

I was mistaken!   (That doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.)  This is no natural cave, it is a mine.  Abandoned, by the look of it.   You wait here, Sigyn, until I can ascertain whether it is occupied by beasts of an unfriendly nature.

mine2

(after a bit)

Sigyn!  Behold!  Behold these beautiful gems!  It would appear that this mine was abandoned before the seams of precious minerals could be exhausted.  Seldom have I seen such perfect natural crystals!  I chose the two most beautiful–red for you and green for me.

mine3

I will just tuck these into a handy pocket dimension.  If we can ever find civilization, we will have something to bribe and bargain with!

Things may be looking up!

>|: [

Bee Careful–You Don’t Know What’s Out There…

That giant, lumbering critter carried us quite a way.  Its rolling gait lulled Sigyn into a light doze.  Me?  Just made me motion sick.  I was glad when it stopped and indicated that that was as far as it was prepared to carry us.

Unfortunately, we were deposited in an area that, while lush, was devoid of recognizable food plants.  We found something that looked like a palm, and I was hoping for dates or coconut-oid fruits, but no.

palmtree

Just wicked, wicked prickles.  (Hmm.  I wonder if it has any viable seeds at the moment?  The armament on this baby is quite impressive.  I wouldn’t mind planting a few of these around the palace I will eventually build…)

Ho!  What have we here?  I do believe we may have finally found something edible!  Doesn’t it look like the citrus we have back home?

orange2

Sigh.  You couldn’t wait for me to test it with magic, could you?  You had to taste it?

orange3

I take it the verdict is “not nummers“?

Perhaps the windfall is old and yucky.  Sigyn has volunteered to climb the tree and taste a fresh one.

orange1

Oooh.  Still no joy.

But she says the flowers “smell divine.”

orange4

Be careful up there, dearest!  Sweet flowers attract pollinators, and there’s no telling what sort of grotesque arthropod-analog this realm has!

bee1

>|: [

Critters, Right On Cue

We are still walking.  There’s a little more grass, here and there, but still nothing to eat or drink.

hiking

More worrying is that I seem to remember that this realm—whatever it is— is full of dangerous creatures, several of whom tried to make a meal of my beloved the last time we were here.  I wonder if we shall encounter fierce beasts again?

Name him and he shall appear!  Ugh!  What is this slimeous thing?!

slug

No! Sigyn! Don’t touch it!  It might be venomous!

slug2

Oh, it’s friendly?  Okay, but still–be careful!  You know that slime doesn’t come out of velvet.

By Jörmungandr pointy teeth!  I remember this armored killer!  Last time we encountered something like this titan, it did in fact try to eat my Sigyn.  We escaped only by outrunning it, which isn’t as easy as one might think.  It’s ponderous and slow, but very determined and taking big strides like a chelonian juggernaut.

turtle1

Wait, what?  Get down from there!

turtle2

Sigyn?! What were you thinking?  That thing could snap you in half like a stalk of cute red celery!

Sigh.  Sigyn relies entirely too much on her ability to charm animals of all sizes.  But perhaps this time we can use it to our advantage.  If this thing has to drink sometime, perhaps we can hitch a ride to someplace more hospitable.

>|: [

Uh, Oh. This Looks… Familiar

Thud!

Sigyn, are you all right?

My magic performed flawlessly in that it carried us well away from the all my least favorite relatives and nemeses, but I’m not sure where Sigyn and I have ended up.

Looking around, I don’t see any buildings or recognizable landmarks.  Sigyn, can you see anything?

barren

We seem to have landed in a desolate, barren wasteland.  Nothing for it but to walk until we find some shelter or someone who can tell us where we are.

Dirt, rocks, dirt, rocks, more dirt, more rocks.   Sigyn is oohing and ahhing at the one tiny bit of green vegetation in sight.   I don’t want to dampen her enthusiasm, but if we don’t find some shelter and something to eat and drink, we may not last very long out here.

walking-green plant

(later)  Well, the the terrain has changed.  There is now some sparse grass, and we have just stumbled upon this strange, fluted tree.

cactus

(poke, poke, poke.) I had the idea of tapping it in the hopes of getting a little water, but all I got was a little bitter white fluid.

(later)

The terrain has changed again.  We have come upon a dry forest full of small, prickly trees.  They look… familiar.

Oh, by Heimdall’s pointy helmet and Odin’s crappy depth perception, I think I know where we are.  I think my magic teleported us to the same treacherous, insane universe Sigyn and I ended up in after our disastrous first date four years ago.

uncomfybed

I’m sorry, love.  But we made it out of here last time, and we’ll make it home again this time.  I promise.

Now, do you want to sleep in a tree or nestle down here on the forest floor?

>|: [

to be continued…