Month: November 2018

A Potentially Useful Acquaintance

I am always on the lookout for individuals with certain…talents that might be useful in bringing out my new world order.  I’m very picky.  Most malefactors think that a minion is a minion is a minion, but all of the really clever arch-fiends and supervillains know that you can’t let just anybody into your organization.

No.  I want someone with brains–but someone not as smart as me.   Just smart enough to realize how much better things will be when I take over the running of this planet, and biddable enough to carry out my orders, no questions asked.

Therefore, every time I meet someone, my first thought is:  Friend or foe?  My second thought is always:  How can I use this person to further my own ends?

It’s a twitchy sort of way to live, always on edge, ready to either gut someone on the spot or add them to the crew.

You!  Stop right there!  Who are you and what are you doing in my demesne?


Tiny creature!  I should stomp you into a sticky blue paste just on principle!

And look!


This wretched, pipsqueakoid tinyman is wearing a S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform!  He must be here to spy on me!

Talk, you puntable little sneak!  What do your be-suited, treacherous handlers want with me?

On the other hand…

Listen, Midget McBitty, you’re a handy size for…covert ops.  How would you like to join a grassroots movement dedicated to improving the state of affairs on the planet.? Sounds great, right?  I can see you’re a man of taste and perspicacity.  You’ve already got the outfit–how do you feel about a little double-agent-type work?

I can’t afford to pay you much now, but I have the feeling that prospects are decidedly looking up… *

>|: [

*Because, you know, everything is “up” to you…

I Was Tricked Into Being Here, Part II: Where the Human Female Shines

I think the human female was a terrier in a former life, and Sigyn is nearly as bad.  They are not content with sorting and counting.  Oh, no!  Not them!

No, they’ve decided that things have to match.  Each family is going to receive two boxes of stuffing, and they’ve decided that the two must be the same kind–chicken, turkey, herb, cornbread, etc.  Moreover, they’ve decided they need to be the same brand as well.

Great idea, ladies.  I shall leave you to it.


(later)  Sigyn says that was fun, like a big matching game.  If you say so, sweetie.  Are we done yet?

By Volstagg’s Groaning Waistcoat Buttons!  Apparently we are not done.  Sigyn and the human female have decided that the desserts have to be sorted out as well.   Each family gets two different ones.

One is a not-a-cake.  Brownies seem to be a popular choice.  All we need to do is count these.


If you stack them by tens, my love, it will go better for you later, I assure you, since the human female can’t count very high.

Ugh!  Not done yet!  Now they want to tackle the is-a-cake table.  They’ve decided that the cake and the frosting have to match.  Chocolate with chocolate, vanilla with vanilla, carrot cake with cream cheese icing, Funfetti with Funfetti.


Strawberry with strawberry.

(later)  I… I think they actually did it.  As long as the frosting towers don’t fall over, they should be all right.

Yawn!  We have been at this for several hours.  Sigyn says we are done for today.

For today?!  Is this not it?

Oh.  Apparently tomorrow is Phase Two, which involves filling bags with the right number of items, tagging them for families, attaching gift cards, sorting them by delivery routes, and then making sure they go where they’re supposed to.  I will let the human female get up early and come back and do that if she chooses, but I think I’ve exhausted all my pitiful store of philanthropy for the week decade, so I will sleep in.

But first—moving and counting and sorting all of this food has given everyone a case of the hungries.  There are snacks at the back of the room.   After staring at so much cake and frosting and brownie mix, I’m hoping there is something gooey, but…


I detect the human female’s handiwork.

>|: [

I Was Tricked Into Being Here, Part I: I Was Promised Chaos!

The human female said something about people running around and chaos and food, so when she and Sigyn asked if I wanted to join them, I thought, “Why not?” and came with.

Big mistake.

Turns out this isn’t some raucous party with infinite opportunities for mischief, it’s  a church food drive and I’ve been recruited to help sort and pack.  If word of this gets out it is NOT going to do good things to my villain cred.

Looks like the food is all here and now we just have to sort it, with the various items for the holiday baskets going on different tables.  Sorting gravy mix from instant potatoes is a bit beneath my intellectual capabilities, but Sigyn is having fun, so I guess I can stand it for an hour or two.


I must admit, that went very quickly.


The people in charge are actually pretty well organized.  One of them wants the human female to help be in charge next year.  Snort!  They have never seen the inside of her backpack.  If they had, they wouldn’t put her and “organized” in the same state, let alone the same sentence.

It’s all sorted.  Now we have to count things, since we need a certain number of each item.  Sigyn and I are on the “Bean” table.




Along the way, we’re supposed to check dates and put aside anything that’s expired.  There’s a prize for whoever finds the most out-of-date thing.

These spuds have seen better days.


No, wait!  This can is even older.


Brainstorm!  Quick, Sigyn–we brought the human female!  There is nothing here as decrepit and past the best-by date as she is!  We are sure to win!

>|: [


That Can’t Be Good

Every now and then I like to arrange a little mystery for the human female and her Prep Staff.

For example:

oozy door

What is that oozing out of the cold room?

Where is all that wet coming from?  (None of the chemical containers in the cold room is leaking.)

Why is it rust-colored?

When is Slow Silent and Costly going to show up to investigate?

Who could possibly have done this???

>|: [

DNA Stands for Do Not Attempt…

The students are going to be studying DNA in lab this week, and Prep Staff is running a text experiment to make sure that all the reagents and equipment will work properly.

The experiment involves something called PCR.  That stands for …. I’ve never figured out what, exactly.  I’m going to assume it stands for Please Contribute Resources, so I’m doing exactly that.

Because I’m helpful like that.

Anyway the idea is that it can take a teeny, teeny, teeny amount of a person’s genetic material and make a bazillion copies so it can be analyzed.  Prep Staff is getting a sample from various people on the floor.  Obviously, they want the finest DNA possible, so I’m giving them a sample.

I have my little tube full of sterile saline, here.


Next, I label a cup with my name…


Well, that was predictable.  Sigyn, my love, you’ve contaminated my cup!  Your lovely DNA is all over it now and I’ll have to get a new one.

Where was I?  Oh, yes.  I’m going to swish the saline in my mouth for a moment or two…


Spit it into this new cup…


And then pour it carefully back into the tube.


That is some precious Jotun saliva, right there.

Next, the tubes of saliva will go into the big centrifuge.

But first, a little ride…


After a spin, it’s all alcohol and primers and a long, boring wait for the thermocycler.  We’ll check back in later to see how it all turned out…

>|: [

Well, I Could Have Told You *That*

Hmm…  Look, Sigyn! What have we here?


Stray screws are seldom a good thing.   Especially when accompanied by little bits of broken-off plastic.


It would seem  that the human female has a screw loose.

Or two.

I’ve been saying as much for years.

And I think I know where these bits are from.  Come over here and look at the human female’s laptop.


See that right there?  The hinge is breaking!  The cover is coming off the laptop!  It makes horrible little crunchy noises, and the bezel is actually coming away from the screen!   Total laptop failure is surely imminent!

It could be that the thing is five years old.

It could be that the hinge is naturally the weakest part of a laptop.

It could be that the human female uses it all the time.

It could be that the current cat and the previous cat like to help her use it.

Or it could be that, every night after she goes to bed, I open and close it sixty or seventy times, really fast…

>|: [

Fun With the Front Office

Judging by the feedback on yesterday’s post, some people think I need to spare the human female my mischief for a bit.

Very well.  Today I’ve turned my attention to the Biology Department’s front office.  Everyone there likes a good cup of java, so they ordered two coffee jugs.

And this is what they got:


Meanwhile, un restaurante somewhere esta tratando de lavarse all of its cuchillos y cucharas in a carafe.

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