Attention, populace! Have you heard? The human male’s favorite soft drink has chosen a new celebrity to appear on the cans! I put my name into the running several months ago and I’ve just heard that the company has chosen its new spokesbeing.
Was there ever any doubt?
Scuttlebutt says that they’ve selected someone powerful and awe-inspiring, someone who strikes fear into the hearts of all and sundry. Especially the sundry.
I hear the new figurehead is cunning, relentless, and implacable when roused to anger. An ancient being, whose unblinking glare reduces humankind to terrified whimpers.
Someone strong, swift, and possessed of mighty weapons.
I can’t wait to see the new cans! I’ll have to buy fifty or sixty right off the bat, one for everyone who has ever slighted me or laughed at my plans for conquest.
Here one is now! Behold! Do I not—
Someone’s going to pay for this.