Month: August 2019

Little Mischiefs, Part IV: Online Obfuscation

The human female is nearly as finicky about her writing utensils as the human male.  While she does enjoy a good fountain pen, for every day use there’s a particular brand of needle-tipped gel pen she strongly prefers.

A year ago, she didn’t know a thing about them.  Then someone left a rainbow-colored set behind in one of the labs and they ended up in the lost and found.  When no one claimed them, the human female pounced.

I will admit, they are very fine pens–in all sense of the word. They write a very fine line, they glide like greased weasels on wet ice, and they don’t smear.  (When you do as much head-desk napping and drooling as the human female, this is important.)

She has now completely used up a few of the pens and is searching for more.  Most of the local stores don’t carry them, so she is looking online.

Searching…

Searching…

Found some!

She’s quite excited to see that they come with a warranty!

pens with printer cartridges info

Wait, what?

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Little Mischiefs, Part I: Oh, What a Tangled Web…

Some mischief, like the prank I pulled with the phosphorid acid, are a while in the planning, complex by design, and painfully slow in the reveal.  I pride myself on my attention to detail and my creativity when executing the long game.

Then again, there’s a lot to be said for the sort of small, quick-and-dirty naughtiness that just wears a body down.

I call this drawer, “The Well of Infinite Annoyance.

desk-drawer-cords

Once I drop her current charger and headphones in, it will be a thing of real beauty.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Or sometimes you can, it just takes a really, really long time.

All the human female wanted was some phosphoric acid.  It shouldn’t have been difficult, right?  The stuff is, after all, practically everywhere.  They put it in soda, for Sleipnir’s sake!

So the human female, months ago, ordered a case of six three-liter bottles.  (Well, 6 x 2.5 liters, but the Vendor Who’s Responsible likes to round up).  They were part of one of the big orders back in May.

Now, sometimes I like to pick an item or two on a large order and have a little fun.  You recall–the May orders sat on her desk for months, incompletely received.  Part of that was test tubes.  And part of it was the acid.

So, the acid didn’t come and it didn’t come and it didn’t come.  When the human female called the VWR, they told her that it was delayed because the manufacturer had to make it.  Because why on earth would they actually STOCK it?

More queries, more excuses, more delayed estimated ship dates.  One after the other.

It was taking so long that she thought maybe she should order a different product, because sometimes the VWR has one version of a chemical if the others are out of stock.  So she fired up the online catalog, and discovered that, sure enough, there was an alternative–and it was even less expensive!

vwr phosphoric acid is three cents

Three cents for a case seemed like an awfully good price!  But then she logged in or refreshed the screen or something and it came back as its regular price.  And behold! The product she had ordered was by far the cheapest one–by a factor of ten.   All the other options were ultra pure and ultra pricey.

She would just have to wait.

And wait she did!  The shipment was delayed again and again.  There were supposed ship dates all throughout June.  Nothing.  Finally, on the 19th, it was definitely, absolutely, 100% going to ship.

It shipped on the 24th.

The package took its sweet time, nordling all about the continent, seeing the sights and, no doubt, stopping at all of the quaint roadside attractions this part of Midgard is known for.  Enormous balls of string, reptile farms, diners shaped like improbable headgear, that kind of thing.

On June 28, the acid reached Texas.  And vanished.

phosphoric acid trip

How does one lose a shipment that, according to Unrepentant Package Squashers, weighs one hundred and thirty-four pounds?  The human female called the VWR and called UPS and asked them to please, please find the shipment.  It was if it had been swallowed by a black hole.

The human female followed up a hunch and confirmed that yes, phosphoric acid IS used in the manufacture of various illicit drugs.  Perhaps it had been absconded with by some meth-making malefactor.  Sigh. Probaby gone forever, then.  She called the VWR one more time, and they promised to reship the whole case.

So, the replacement acid didn’t come and it didn’t come and it didn’t come. 

But then–a miracle! (No, actually, it was me just deciding to have a little more fun.)  In lateish July, the original shipment mysteriously reappeared in in tracking!

phosphoric acid trip-2

The human female waited with bated breath.  The package went out for delivery, but then turned around and ended right back up at the freight center.  How maddening!

But then–delivered!  Huzzah and great rejoicings!  Delivered at last!

phosphoric acid trip-2

Except, it wasn’t.  It wasn’t at the stockroom, and it wasn’t at Central Receiving.  No shipment, anywhere.

The human female called the UPS, who assured her it had been delivered.  She assured them it hadn’t.  UPS insisted they even had a signed delivery receipt.  Signed in the stockroom, big and bold, by someone named “Jason.”

Except that there *is* no person in the stockroom whose name is Jason.  And there isn’t anyone at all in the University’s directory whose name is Jason and who has a last name that sounds anything like what UPS said was the receipt.  She had UPS send her a copy of the receipt.  Yep!  Jason Kl~~~~ squiggle -something.

It was at this point that the human female had what I believe is known in some parts of Midgard as a “spittle-flecked nutty.”  She ranted to anyone who would listen—and anyone who couldn’t scuttle away fast enough–about how someone’s head was going to roll for this.  She wanted answers.  She got none.  She wanted a full investigation by a Congressional Subcommittee.  She got excuses.  She wanted an army of workers to start building the gibbet and making a path for the tumbril.  She got crickets chirping.

She demanded that Unrepentant Package Squashers launch an immediate investigation.  The delivery driver must be found and made to say where and to whom he had “delivered” the goods.  Probably, there was no Jason at all, and she had uncovered a far-reaching conspiracy to divert honest, hard-working people’s phosphoric acid into the seamy world of clandestine drug laboratories.  Wasn’t the acid actually identified on the external shipping label for all the world to see?  The VWR was practically asking for people to intercept and misuse their goods!  Yes, indeed, she was going to break the story Wide Open.  By gum, she was going to see this through!

And then one morning, the nice lady in the stockroom asked her if she knew anything about a large, unclaimed parcel that was just sitting in the basement of an adjacent building.

Could it be?  Was it?

It was!  Filthy, plastic-wrapped, holey, and with its attachments all torn up–but undeniably a big batch of phosphoric acid!

phosphoric acid-box

The bottles, despite the total lack of packing material, hadn’t broken.  All 18(16) liters accounted for and perfectly intact.

The paperwork, not so much.

phosphoric acid-box-torn label

Oh, how she wished the boxes could talk!

The human female, while undoubtedly relieved to be able to FINALLY close the PO, was nonetheless disappointed that she had not, in fact, busted up a drug ring. She does lead such a boring life.

Some questions remain.

Where was the shipment between July 2 and July 22?  Three weeks is a long time to misplace such a hefty shipment.

–Who is is the mysterious Jason Is he actually a Jason?

Why did the Unrepentant Package Squashers  let some random humanoid sign for such an important shipment?

Why was it just left in sitting in the basement, with no attempt to find out who it belonged to?

Why does the shipping statement from the VVWR say the weight was 73.58 pounds, while UPS has paperwork that shows it weighs 134 pounds?

phosphoric acid-weight

–Just what did the UPS charge VWR for the shipping? Did they bill for 73 pounds and change, or the nice, round, entirely-fictitious weight of 134?

Why did the VWR say they couldn’t ship until late June because the acid was, “being made” when the made-by date on the bottles says they were born in early May?

phosphoric acid-date

–And finally, since the Internets says, “Phosphoric acid is made from the mineral phosphorus, which is found naturally in the body,” what—or WHO–is the manufacturer making this stuff out of???

And, oh yes–where will Loki strike next?  What will his next mischief be?

There’s really no telling. Rest assured, though, human female, you won’t see it coming until it hits you right between the eyes. . .

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It’s Been A While…

Since I sent the human female any plumbing-related woes.  I think, therefore, it would be interesting to have water appear randomly, with no discernible source.

Odin’s Eyepatch! I appear to have miscalculated.  Instead of water appearing on the human female’s desk, it has manifested on the desk of one of her coworkers.  Still, the coworker being absent today, it falls to the human female to move the coworker’s computer, mop up the water, and put down a bench paper blotter, in case more appears.

tydeskleak1

Where did it all come from?!  The human female is looking left and right, down and…

tydeskleak2

…up.  Always, always look up.

I don’t know if I’ve made the observation before, but if I have, it bears repeating:  the human female is a big, fat hypocrite.  She prays and begs for water to fall from above outside, on the “garden,” but let a little moisture drip down from a ceiling indoors, and it’s all, “Woe is me!”  “Plumbing emergency!”  And, “Oh, noes! Now I have to deal with Slow, Silent, and Costly!”

Spare me.

(later) Well, that was fun!  The incident got tagged in the system as a “ceiling tile replacement,” without any indication that workmen should investigate the source of the water damage.  There are so many options!  Plumbing, fire sprinkler system, condensation on chilled water line, melting Frost-Giant snowballs, portal to bottom of fjord on Vanaheim, etc., etc.

In the end, I suppose it doesn’t really matter, because when plumbers from SSC finally do show up, I shall, of course, make sure that the human female looks as foolish as possible when there’s no trace of a leak to be found anywhere.

Until the next Mystery Puddle appears…

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So What Was In the Demolished Box??

I am just as curious as Sigyn is to see what is in the mutilated box delivered by Unrepentant Package Squashers yesterday.

Sleipnir’s fetlocks!

It’s more of those stackable animals for that game the humans liked so much.

2balancebeasts-crowd

What is this one supposed to be?  I approve of the color, but I have no clue what it is.

2balancebeasts-chameleon

Oh.  The human female says its a tricky lizard, one that can change his color at will.  Being a shape-shifter myself, I can appreciate the usefulness of a quick disguise.  You and I may get along well, lizard.

Sigyn is introducing herself to…  A person-faced lion with a goatee and aviator goggles?!

2balancebeasts-sphinx

I’m beginning to wonder if the shaking up that parcel took mashed all the contents around and this thing started out as five or six other things…

Okay.  This one, at least, I recognize.  A flamingo–nothing else is that pink or that stilty.

2balancebeasts-flamingo1

They’re famous for standing around on one leg. Sigyn is practicing her own balancing on one leg.

2balancebeasts-flamingo2

It’s not going very well.

Stay behind me, Sigyn!  Unless I’m very much mistaken, that is a dragon, and it doesn’t do to leave them out of your calculations, especially if you are small, cute, and tasty-looking.

2balancebeasts-dragon

Sigyn, don’t!

2balancebeasts-dragon2

Oh, well.  I should have known she’d have the beast tamed in no time at all.

Ehehehehehe!  The chameleon was silly, the flamingo was ridiculous, and the dragon, though fierce, has these goofy little wings and really isn’t very terrifying at all, but THIS goober takes the cake.

Or the fish food, as the case may be.

2balancebeasts-eel2

Don’t be fooled by its wiggly little forehead “worm,” Sigyn.  That’s how it lures in its prey.

Sigyn! What are you doing?!  Have you NO sense of self-preservation at all?

2balancebeasts-eel

Oh.

2balancebeasts-eel3

Playing dental hygienist.

Sweetest, you and your notions will be the death of me yet.

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