The humans are off work this week. Something called Spring Break. They were very excited to learn that instead of the usual two days, the University staff get three days this year—until they learned that they’re not getting a three-day weekend around the Fourth of July. So they are using some vacation days to take a whole week off.
I do what is arguably my best work when it comes to making the human female’s work life as miserable as possible, but I take special delight in bringing my mischief to bear on her vacation time as well.
The first thing I do is to help her out when she makes the day-by-day list of what she wants to get done. I whisper in her ear that surely she’ll be more organized than during a regular week, so she can go ahead and put herself down for three or four major projects each day. Mow and weed and work on the book she is helping to write–and make a big dinner? No problem. Clean the house and do the mending and get in a few hours of embroidery? Completely doable. This way, when she invariably fails to reach her goals, the self-recrimination meter ticks over into the red zone and we all have a jolly laugh.
And by “we all,” I mean “me.”
Today she is planning to do some work on the computer. She has picked up her laptop, cord, mouse, and mouse pad from the dining room (where she habitually and selfishly hogs the entirety of the table) and carried them to the living room, preparatory to keeping one eye on the television and the other eye on her work. (I never said she had good ideas about efficiency and productivity.)
Here we are, all plugged in, USB drive inserted, power on and…where is the mouse? It was right here a moment ago. Maybe you only thought you brought it in from the dining room? You’d better go look.
Not, apparently, in the dining room.
Did it end up under some portion of the clutter on the sofa? Under a blanket, perchance? Or did it tumble into your backpack? Better have a root around in there. Nothing? Hmmm.
Perhaps it’s inside the sofa? You know, the big, peeling behemoth that can swallow anything up to the size of a small puppy? Ehehehe! You look completely ridiculous with your arm fishing around in there up to the shoulder! Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
No luck? Maybe it fell through the sofa’s innards and is under the sofa. You should look under there.
Sleipnir’s fetlocks! There could be anything under there!
Put the footstool up so we can get a better look:
Yes, I can see dim shapes under there. Is one of them your missing cyber rodent? Go get the swiffy dry mop thingy so you can fish around in that no-man’s-land. I’ll wait here.
(sweep, sweep, sweep) What’d you find?
Besides dust and debris, I mean.
Jormungandr’s scaly hide! You found Nip Fish! The Terror Twins haven’t seen Nip Fish since some time last year! How are you doing, little friend?
Success! Well done, woman! You found a mouse!
Too bad it’s not the one you were looking for.
And who is this exophthalmic rodent, anyway? I don’t recognize him. I think I’d remember meeting someone who is blue with green spots…
But we can’t be distracted from our search. We must press on! Go check the dining room again.
Now the inside of the sofa.
Now take everything out of your backpack again and put it all back.
Now grope around in the sofa guts again.
Still nothing? Well, you’ve wasted a half an hour on this. You should probably take the human male up on his offer of a loaner mouse so you can finally get some work done.
Ehehehehe. That was fun and I’m not telling.