It has been some time since I shared some of the mischief I have done but not previously written about, mischief that didn’t spawn a photo or a blog post of its own. I herein
admit gloat that all of the following was my doing.
Remember the time she was short some cat skulls so she sent off some preserved Dead Cat heads to the Purveyor of Head Bones to see if their hungry beetles would eat the flesh off? Not only did the beetles not eat their têtes de chats morts et conservés, but they all up and died. True! The human female killed a dermestid colony.
I put her name in all sorts of fun places on the internet, so she got a very interesting email inviting her to log back in and complete her PayPal purchase of some very lewd shoes named “Private Desire.”
I arranged for an ordered chair to show up with no packing slip whatsoever. This makes the Bean Counters all purple in the face and it never, ever gets old.
At the beginning of the semester, I nudged a bunch of students, and they all went to the wrong labs, including one who put his head in the right lab room. The teaching assistant, who already had a full classroom, asked him what section he was in. I whispered in his ear, and he told the TA the wrong one. So the TA sent him next door, where there was one seat left and the TA made him welcome. It wasn’t until the second TA was taking up the signed Lab Safety Agreements that she realized he wasn’t hers. But, subtracting the wrong student, she was one student short. And just where had that missing student been? Independently wrongly next door with the first TA, which was why that class had been full! There’s a reason the human female is going bald.
And the students broke, did break, have broken, will break, will have broken, will have been breaking more and more micropipettors. Basically, anyway you conjugate it, they break ’em.
Every semester. And every. Single. Time, the Pipette Repair People send her an invoice that doesn’t say invoice. With the wrong address. Then she has to get them to send a corrected one, one that says invoice, and she turns it in to the Departmental Bean Counters, About 10 days later, the Pipette Repair People shriek at her that they haven’t been paaaaaaaaid. Then the human female has to remind them that the University is a Net 30 operation and that they will get their payment in due time. Then about two weeks later, they shriek at her again, and she reminds them to count to THIRTY. The human female says it gets really, really old. For her, maybe. I still get a good laugh out of it. Especially since each cheery little email from them ends with, “Please don’t hesitate to contact us for any questions. Have a wonderful day!”
You know what else got old? All the calls from TAs about broken respirometers that turned out not to be broken. How hard it is to screw the lid on a fat tube and to measure liquid accurately? Pretty hard, apparently!
The week after that, the big fifty liter carboy of Chlamydomonas (a friendly little green alga that is part of the photosynthesis experiments) grew up all “ooky” and contaminated. The human female was never able to prove that I was the one who meddled with the autoclave so that the growth medium was contaminated, but from the epic side-eye I received, I think she suspected.
That same week, i had the fun of watching the human female and her Prep Staff tear the entire third floor apart, looking for one of the colored light boxes used in the Photosynthesis lab. The human female knew she’d put it in the cabinet in room 305, but it wasn’t in there. Until it was, after they all tore the floor apart another two times. Turns out that lying on your side makes you invisible to biologists.
Then there was the day when she burned her fingers, her watch broke, one of the prep rooms overheated, and there was cat puke to clean up. I can’t remember if it was a Monday. But I bet it felt like one.
I DO remember that it was a Sunday, though, when the low-tire-pressure-you’re-going-to-die warning light in the human female’s car came on. She drove it very carefully to the nearby shop attached to a discount store, where they told her that they couldn’t find anything wrong with the tire, so she drove it carefully home, planning to take it to the dedicated tire place later. When she went out to do so, the light was gone. Teasing her is such fun.
I made it rain on her when she was returning the very heavy liquid nitrogen tank full of bull spunk.
It rained on a Tech I interviewee, too. How to make a good first impression? Don’t show up looking like a drowned rat!
How to make a good impression with Admin? Have a whole batch of hazardous waste come back from waste collection because Environmental Health and Safety didn’t “like” the way it was tagged.
Then WorkDon’t cancelled the Tech timesheets that had some overtime hours on them. When that was finally straightened out, their checks didn’t come on time. (See? It’s not just the human female I like to mess with.)
As always, the devil–and the mischief–are in the details. And that takes us up through the end of last September!