The human female has been trying to hire a new tech since, oh, about February. There was the usual wrangling with WorkDon’t to get the position posted and to get the application packets in some sort of readable format. And just when they had identified a really, really qualified candidate and were ready to start interviews, the university went virtual and there was a hiring freeze and things just…sat.
For four months.
When the green light came on again for hiring, the human female grew hopeful. I couldn’t have that, so I hung the approval for the position up at the Provost level for a week or so, just so she’d remember who is running the show.
I couldn’t hold it up forever, though, so eventually she started calling applicants for interviews. The top pick had long since taken another position elsewhere, and so had the number two. The person who answered when she called the number three person had the right name but claimed to have no knowledge of an application, swore it wasn’t his number, and seemed scandalized to have been contacted. (He knew he was down the list and was only too happy to take fifty bucks from me to make the human female’s day a little more surreal.)
None of the other applicants was right for the position, so the human female re-opened the position for more applicants, and a good few rolled in. But only a few were good. There was a skilled machinist, a hairdresser, and someone who submitted only a first initial, last name, and a list of skills. No resume, no record of work experience or education. Zilch.
There were two very good candidates, however, and after a round of virtual interviews and some reference-checking, a job offer was made and accepted.
Last week, the human female got to work this new hire through the onboarding process. If you’ve ever thought that “onboarding” sounds like it might be similar to you “waterboarding“, you would be correct. They are both torture.
Nothing can happen until the new hire has a Net ID, that magical account that makes all other things possible. Knowing that this is the sticking point, and the human female started working on it yesterday. She got the proper form from the human male (you’ll recall that he oversees the department’s IT functions.) She filled it out and sent it to the new hire to complete and send back.
The new hire filled out her personal information and sent it back to the human female, who sent it to the department’s HR person. The HR person sent it back to the human female, saying that an electronic signature wasn’t good enough and she’d have to actually sign it. So the human female (after pulling out some hair), printed the form, signed it, and sent it back to HR.
I wasn’t done having fun with this yet, so I poked the HR person, who looked and noticed that the form the human female sent was an outdated one. Behold! There’s a NEW form! It differs, you understand, not in any particular of the information the account requester has to provide. Nope! I just changed the surrounding verbiage a bit. Just enough so that the human female had to fill out, print, sign, and send back the new one.
And then the HR person emailed to say that she’d only sent pages 1 and 3 of the form, so the human female go to go back to the scanner, smash that “double-sided original” button, and send it back to HR again.
Today is when the new person is supposed to finish all the paperwork and actually start. The HR person is saying that there’s no Net ID yet and to let her know when it comes through. (The HR person is definitely the one who gets the notifications, but she forgets, every time.)
I think people in the next county just heard the screaming.
While she is thumping her head on the desk, the human female has decided to be proactive on one of the next steps, the Department of Biology Computing Account Request Form. She has found the fillable-pdf on the departmental network and has set about trying to fill it. Ehehehe! It’s not going to work for her. Not today! Those pale blue rectangles are just sitting there, mocking her.
Having about a milligram of patience left, she’s going to print it out so she can fill it out by hand. Let’s see if she notices my little tweak…
Look at my magic! The “blank” form is actually pre-filled with all the information for a “Jane Doe.” Isn’t that neat?
And no, it’s no coincidence that the human female has an appointment to talk to her doctor about renewing her migraine medicine.
The best part of all this new hiring? Three of the four techs now have names that begin with “B” and end with “ny” All of their middle names are “Ann“. Two of them have the initials “BAW“. The human female has said she’s going to re-name the fourth tech by sticking a “B” on the front of her name and a “ny” on the end, just to keep things tidy. She’s only partially joking.
Joke’s on her, though. If she wants to change someone’s name in WorkDon’t, there’s a form she’s going to need…