The humans are really Into Baking recently. The male, especially, is in search of the Perfect Pizza Crust. Their first attempt used an un-risen batch of French bread dough, and that was all right, but it wasn’t Perfect. So the male ordered some sort of fancy flour especially for pizza dough and found an Authentic Recipe, and that made some rather tasty cardboard. (I distracted the human female and she overbaked it.)
So then he read up on the subject and learned that apparently it’s key to use a preheated pizza stone and a 500-degree F oven, so today we are trying it again.
Are your hands clean, Sigyn? It’s time to make dough!
Behold, the fancy pizza flour.
(For some unfathomable reason, the back of the package has graphics of sprinkled spices and crumbs and I swear to Sleipnir it looks like mold…)
Next we need some AP flour…
Ugh! Flour is so hard to get out of green velvet!
Time for yeast!
Personally, I can take it or leave it, but Sigyn loves the way it smells. She calls yeast her “little fungal friends”.
The flour’s ready to go.
So is the dissolved yeast.
Careful up there, my love. Yeast goop is probably harder to get out of red velvet than flour is to get out of green.
The recipe says to “mix by hand to create a sticky dough.”
Better you than me, human. That looks terrible.
Sigyn, I really think you are becoming too involved in this…
If you end up in there, I’m not sure there’s any amount of bathing that would get that stuff out of your clothes and hair.
Sigyn says the dough is fun to play with.
I will take her word for it…
The recipe says the dough should be “sticky.”
I don’t think it said anything about “spackle.”
The dough’s been divided in two and now it’s rising/resting in a barely-warm oven.
The oven is also a good place because, so far, the cats have not figured out how to get into it.
Well, it stuck to the towels, but we got it off, and now it’s all rested and ready to shape and top.
Ehehehehe! Snort! Ehehehehehe! Great Frigga’s Corset, I can’t catch my breath! I’m laughing so hard I can’t hold the camera steady so I’ll just have to tell you…
The recipe was adamant that the pizzas should be constructed on a well-floured peel, so that is what the human male wanted to do. The female had her doubts but went along—spread out the dough for the first pie, spread on the sauce, sprinkled cheese, artichokes, mushrooms (on a sector of it the human male won’t touch), and spices. Then the male tried to slide it onto the the pre-heated pizza stone…
…and it wouldn’t come off the peel. No quick jerk, no little jiggle, no nudge with a spatula could dislodge it. It just sort of sagged and flopped and s t r e t c h e d until the toppings started sliding off, and there was NO WAY in Hel that thing was coming off the peel.
At that point the human male gave up and was ready to go out for pizza, but the human female, to whom wasting food is a cardinal sin, figured that maybe she could fold the whole mess over into a calzone, lift it up carefully, and cook it on a regular pizza pan, pre-heated pizza stone be damned.
Except.. Ehehehehe! The dough was, by this point, stretched so thin that it just sort of oozed/ruptured and– bleeeeargh, disgorged a bunch of its filling.
Her disastrous creation is baking now, and it is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen go into that oven.
And one of the worst coming out.
Ehehehehehe! My stomach hurts from laughing, and I’m crying over here! Even Sigyn can’t find anything good to say about it. It…it looks like a Horta monster from that old sci-fi show:
Because it has mushrooms, the human male won’t touch it. I sure don’t want to try it, and I won’t let Sigyn go anywhere near it. The female and the Perennial Bachelor dinner guest are going to split it and try to choke it down.
Eehehehehe! Ow, my tummy! The thick parts are underbaked, there is hardly any filling, and the female has given up after just a few bites. The Perennial Bachelor has managed to keep his half down and polished off the bowl of extra filling as well.
What to do with the second half of the Disaster Dough? The male is still in favor of going to get take out, but the human female who is, as I have observed before, part terrier, is doggedly (ha!) insisting that she can at least make it the way they did the last one, on a pizza pan, no peel involved.
(a bit later:) It resisted.
It’s edible, and the thick part is a bit underdone, but at least the human male got something for dinner. Sigyn and I are going out to eat.
What’s that? Some of you would like the recipe so you can try and see if you have better luck?
Um, yeah, no.