It All Adds Up…

Some people think that I am very grudging and stingy. Nothing could be further from the truth! I learned long ago that there can be just as much mischief created by giving someone something as there is by taking something away. And sometimes it’s a combination of both that will do the job.

It’s no secret that it has been an expen$ive $ummer for the humans–AC woe$, not one but two in$urance deductible$ (one for the roof and one for the ceiling that fell in), $ervice on the male’$ car, broken window and $ervice on the female’$ car, a pair of expen$ively noi$y running toilet$, a trip to the denti$t each, and a $tring of doctor’$ appointment$. (To $ay nothing of the $tamp$.)

The human female, at this point, needs another bill like she needs another hole in her head.

Which is why I had one show up today. And it is everyone’s favorite kind of bill–one from the Health Care System. Their initials are BSW. Let’s just say that stands for Baffling, Slow, and—What?

Baffling, because the human female is pretty sure she doesn’t owe anything. The doctor’s office won’t even let one check in unless one pays the copay, and she always does. The service date on the bill indicates a simple office consult that should have been just the copay and nothing else. So why does the bill say she owes $9.67? That’s not even a round amount!

Hmm. The statement says she paid $10.33 (another not-round) amount for that simple office visit, when she knows she paid the $20.00 copay. Now she’s looking up her record online. (As if that’s going to help!) There’s one indication in one spot that she might owe $5.00. How does that figure in? Medical bills in this part of Midgard are just full of fictitious numbers that don’t add up. There’s the amount, the “adjusted amount,” the amount that insurance will cover, the copay, and then sometimes something left over… Or not. No, there’s nothing online that will solve this, and I’m pretty sure that EOB stands for Exceedingly Obfuscated Bulls@t…

Ehehehe! Light is beginning to dawn. Remember the Ugly Tax the human female had to pay the optometrist for measuring the distance between her beady little eyes? That was $9.67, wasn’t it? Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps the payment for that has not been credited to her account.

Fenrir’s Fleacollar! She’s getting serious! She has gone to the insurance carrier’s website (after trying her login, failing, and having to look it up) and started a chat with someone who may or may not be an actual person and not a ‘bot. The human female has asked “Amanda” whether the check for the $9.67 was credited to her account. Because, you see, if she paid $20.00 and the “system” still thought she owed $9.67, the difference would be the $10.33 the statement says she paid on her last visit. Never mind the $5.00, it would at least mean that she could just point out the check for $9.67 that was sent in.

Slow. Unfortunately, “Amanda” doesn’t have access to the financial information associated with the account, though she agrees that it is likely that the scenario described above is the case. The human female is asking whether, if she just sits tight for a while, things will catch up with each other and she’ll owe nothing? “Amanda” says no, she’d better pay it, or it could get turned over to a collection agency. She says that the human female is just going to have to call the medical service directly and ask someone there what is going on.

So now she’s calling the health service, and she’s on hold… Aha! A human! This human–we’ll call him “Keith”– after taking all of her identification information, including the very embarrassing street name that makes the human female cringe whenever she has to give it to anyone–has managed to pull up the record. And yes, he does note that there was a check payment of $9.67 back in July, but sometimes it takes a while for copays and other payments to register, so maybe that’s involved?

The human female, now assured that she does not owe anything at the moment, is ready to say thank you and call it a day, but “Keith” and I are not done. Oh, no, we are not!

What? “Keith” is now saying that not only does she not owe $9.67, she has a CREDIT on her account of $25.00, and if he applies that to the current bill, the human female now has a credit of $15.33.

Ta da! Migraine time!

$25.00? Really? That is one specialist copay and one regular one–are those from visits even further back? Maybe that early August one isn’t even on the radar yet? What does she really owe, if anything? Is she even? Ahead? About to be slammed with a bunch of other charges?

I’m not telling, because where’s the fun in that!

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