Author: lokispeaks

Ridiculously smart and incredibly good-looking

Too Much of a Good Thing?

I have been up to some marketing/pantry mischief.  It’s something I like to revisit from time to time, not only to annoy the humans, but to keep my hand in.

Our mischief for today involves those little nuggets of delight known as dried cranberries.


Sigyn loves them.  And she is quite excited to learn that this package had 20% more!  Evidently the humans have already opened it and begun to enjoy them.

But the humans have the memories and attention spans of gnats, so when I put cranberries on the shopping list, they thought they needed them.  And when they looked in the pantry, I made sure they didn’t see the already open package.  So they bought another one!

And opened it.


By my estimation, they now have about 60% more, since neither package is full.  But not for free.

And because when you look up “gullible” in the dictionary there is a picture of the human female, I was able to pull this entire stunt again.



Next week, I try for four.

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The Trouble With Tech

Ooof.  After all that candy, I was in very real danger of becoming too sweet, so I had to make sure to do some serious mischief.  Usually the human female is the target of my ire, but the human male is pretty annoying, too, so it was his turn.  I waggled my fingers and said a little spell.  Observe a moment of silence, please, for the very dead battery in his phone.


Oh, that was fun!  There is no authorized repair shop for his brand of phone in this town, so he had to forgo his precious Sunday afternoon nap and drive all the way to the outskirts of the Big City to the South to get it dealt with.  When the geeky people opened it up, they found the battery swollen magnificently, such that they feared the phone itself was a loss.  They offered him their sole refurbished phone, but the remnants of my spell were still clinging to him and Behold!  Every key he touched did something marvelous and unexpected.  Typing text yielded a screen full of emojis.  Trying to stop it launched a host of programs he had no desire to invoke.  It was most gloriously possessed!  The geeks told him he was welcome to traipse about Houston in an attempt to find another.  In the end, they offered him a very good deal on a new phone (which I suspect was their aim all along), and here it is:


Sleek.  Slim.  Shiny.  A marvel of modern communications technology.  Except for one little thing.  Look right here:


Do you see it?  Do you see it?  OF COURSE YOU DON’T!  BECAUSE IT ISN’T THERE! 


What sort of idiot builds a phone with no outlet for an earphone jack?!


What if the human male wants to use this tangled mess to listen to some of his boring music, or one of his tedious podcasts?!


There just isn’t a place to shove this bit.


The Maker of Misfit Phones’ solution to this problem  feature is to supply this little bit of tech:


Now I ask you, doesn’t this have the look of something that could end up down the sofa, fall out of a backpack, or otherwise meet with mischievous mishaps?


It even has a stupid name.  Who came up with “dongle“?  Admittedly, it’s fun to say.  Dongle, dongle, dongle, dongle, dongledongledongle.  DONgle.  DonGLE.  The word has lost all meaning!

Anyhow, employing it means a cumbersome arrangement.  This is one to file under “S” for “stoopid.”


It looks broken from the get-go, does it not?  But the human male says this is what one has to do to utilize the midget “lightning cable.”


Lightning cable?  Hey, Hammer-happy!  Are you sure you didn’t have something to do with this wretched design?


By Mjolnir, Brother, I did not!  Verily, I think it as stoopid as you do!”


When WE agree on something, you know it stinks.

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A Visit From the Eater Bunny, Part V: She Was Holding Out On Us

I thank whatever deities there may be (besides me, of course!) that all of the local weirdos have gone home.  Today is bound to be better, no matter what happens, just because of their absence.

Hold!  What is this?!  The human female has been holding out on us!  I am peeking at what she packed for “lunch” today and look what I find!


It’s the Eater Bunny’s secret motherlode!  I don’t know about you, but I think she’s terribly selfish not to share!

Look, Sigyn–fancy bird eggs!  What do you suppose would hatch from them?


Almonds.  Almonds would hatch from them?  Now, I’m no ornithologist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not natural.  @#$%! genetic engineering, mumble, mumble…


What  have you got, Sigyn?  Sour gummy bears?  How are those even remotely related to the Eater Bunny?


NO, Fisi!  BAD HYENA!  Drop it!


Oh, well, at least it’s the lime one.  They’re always the worst.

Sigyn is quite excited about these large gummy flowers.  Where were these when we were being flapped at by gigantonormous butterflies?  These would have drawn them off us entirely.


What the?  More livestock!  Who knew they even MADE jelly lambs?  I tell you, the minute Sigyn’s back is turned, it’s barbacoa time!  Lamb is just cabrito with a curly wig.


Bad Fisi!   Stop the drooling and growling right now!  You know better than to chase hoofstock!  No mutton stew for you!


Norns’ nighties!  There is more!   A fancy egg, some improbably-hued rabbits, and some basket-bound bantams.


And a simply huge puddle of sunny-side-upness left by a supposedly-housebroken bird of some sort.


Herald, is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?

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A Visit From the Eater Bunny, Part IV: Well, Hel, Let’s Just Get Everyone In On It

Guess the word got out that we’ve got candy, because the whole damn gang is here now.

“We do not have gummy rabbits in Wakanda.”

“There’s more sugar here than in my Sugar Dojo.”


“Friend Steve, what flavor do you think this large butterfly is?”

“Dunno.  Think I should lick it and find out?”


“Ja, Remus.  Die karotte ist much gummi.”


तिमी मेरो ललिपप स्वाद गर्न चाहनुहुन्छ


“I don’t have my blaster with me, but if any of you chumps even thinks about nibbling on my buddy Groot, keep in mind I don’t need no blaster to stomp ya into hasenpfeffer.”


“I admire a man who doesn’t feel threatened by a pink bunny.”

“And that blue one matches your lovely outfit.”


“You know, little dude, I could build you some armor so that no one would dare try to bite your ears off.  Interested?”


Lick it!  Lick it!  Lick it!  Lick it!”


Benno is scared of butterflies.

I could have predicted that, I think.

Fisi, NO!


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A Visit From the Eater Bunny, Part III: A Rescue No One Needed

It appears that Sigyn’s shrieks of delight have been mistaken for cries of alarm, because there is suddenly six-foot-six and multiple hundred pounds of too much brainless ersatz brother leaping to her “rescue.”

“Fear not, gentle Sigyn!  Mjolnir and I shall smite these flapping fiends and crush them into a colorful paste!”


” ‘Sup, peeps?  Got a little trouble with some insects, I hear?  One good repulsor blast and they won’t bug you any more.  Bug you, get it?”


Now Sigyn is distressed and I’ve got TWO overzealous superheroes to contend with.  Go away, gentlemen.  Everything is fine here.

Seriously, go.  Go, and take a piglet or two with you.


“Grr.  I heard there was trouble!  How can I help?”


“Hey, Thor, how far d’you think one of these goobers would stretch?”

“I do not know, Man of Iron.  But I think the maiden, Sigyn, would be much distressed if we tried to find out.”

“Look at those porkers!  They sure do love those carrots!”


Do you see what I have to put up with?


>|: [


A Visit From the Eater Bunny, Part II: This Is More Like It, Yet Somehow It’s Too Much.

Sigyn and I are examining the contents of some of the other candy packets.  These are much more like what I expected treats left by the Eater Bunny to be.

Sparkly, sour bunnies.  It was kind of the Eater Bunny to leave them in our favorite colors (more proof the human female shouldn’t have these!)


I understand that the accepted custom is to commence noshing with the ears.   But doing so now would distress my beloved, so I will defer the carnage until later.  In the meantime, Sigyn has befriended the bunnies and insists we see to their needs.  It’s a good thing we have some candy carrots with which to do so!


Idunn’s Little Apples!  This is one limp, wobbly carrot!  I am no botanist, but I believe the taproots of Daucus carota should not bend in such a fashion.


Augh!  More bunnies!  A whole rainbow of rubbery, gummy lagomorphs!  They’re breeding like, well, rabbitsI am surrounded by twitchy noses.


I think perhaps I have been spending too much time with the human female, because I see this array and start thinking of genetics– the orange one appears to be a hybrid of the red and the yellow, while the greenish one presumably has yellow and blue heritage.  The purple one, presumably, has some form of melanism…

I have GOT to get out more…

Thor’s bitty ball-peen!  The carrots have attracted a humongous, floppy swine!


Sigh.  Which, of course, Sigyn is now feeding with another of the rubber carrots.


And apparently it’s a female, because NOW THERE ARE PIGLETS!


This is getting entirely out of hand.

And now we are being visited by two gargantuan, gummy lepidopterans!  The flappy things are big enough to carry off my beloved, should they choose to do so.  Avaunt, foul flutterbyes!


I will admit, I am more than a little creeped out by these oversized flappers, but Sigyn is just squealing with delight.

Oh, well.  At least she’s having fun.

>|: [

A Visit From the Eater Bunny, Part I: Quite The Stash

The humans spent an exhausting several days in the celebration of their annual pursuit of the Eater Bunny.  They came home from one of their long, churchy observances and fell straight into bed in an attempt to rectify the sleep deficit.  In their shambling grogginess, they overlooked the fact that they left a basket of goodies unattended.


I think the human male left this for the human female.  It’s bound to be just loaded  with goodies.  She’s always whining about her weight, though, so it would be a kindness to lessen the temptation of having all of it around.

Sigyn is definitely intrigued.  She and the human share similar taste in confectionery, the only difference being that Sigyn can actually eat chocolate.


Ooo!   Cookies!  These will be good with the strawberries and ice cream that I’ve seen stashed in the fridge.  The number of cookies is not stated on the package, nor the number of berries on the carton, so no one will notice if there are a few of both missing.


No, Sigyn, sorry.  I don’t think they come with the marshmallow and melted chocolate already installed.  See that tiny writing?  “Serving suggestion”?  That is legalese for “don’t be stupid enough to think what’s in the package is going to look like the photo.”

Hmm.  This bag of candy doesn’t look very holiday-ish.  But I appreciate the tiny despot on the label!


These are supposed to be REALLY sour inside.   Sort of like the human female.

Let’s tip the basket over and see what else there is…

Odin’s eyepatch!  This is too much sugar for anyone.


Let’s eat it all.

Now wait just a calorie-infested minute!  This is another one of those sour gummy octopi heptopi!  It’s a stretchy, limb-deficient, multi-flavored, multi-hued cephalopod.


Really, humans?  No bunnies?  No ducklings?  Nary a peep of a Peep?


Sigyn’s enthusiastic, but I’m not at all impressed.  I went to a lot of trouble to knock over that basket, and I want something festiveThere’d better be something good in some of those other packages, or I’m going to be very cranky.

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