Naughty Loki

What We Need Here Is a Bulldozer, Part I: On Any Flat Surface

Midgard is home to a number of strange beasts.  In the jungles of the realm of Asia dwells an arboreal beast known as a binturong.  These are binturongs:

Palawan_bearcat

Basically, they are like walking doormats, with long, grabby tails that drag behind them like bags of dirty laundry.  Binturongs may, with some difficulty, be kept as pets.   One would do well to remember, however, that even though they have abundant whiskers, “darling” little ears (according to Sigyn), and a natural scent that is said to be like that of popcorn, they habitually defecate exclusively on flat surfaces.

I submit to you that the humans are binturongs that have learned to walk upright because by Idunn’s little green apples they leave crap on every flat surface in the house. I am not in jest.  Let us examine some of the effluvia present on the dining room table today.

This is like some freakish game of “I spy.”  Let’s see:  soda bottle, flyer for a restaurant that will chicken-fry pretty much anything, smeary eyeglasses, some of the human female’s dry-eye drops, a bottle cap, and three pinch clips, two of which I know for a fact were handouts at a science product show.

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I spy:  the corner of a clipboard, two pens, a pencil, a hair elastic, and a Grand Opening announcement for a veterinary hospital whose address was incorrectly listed.

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You will note that the human female felt compelled to point out the error (there is no such street as ‘Arlington’ in this town) in permanent marker, even though no one at the pet hospital or the printer of the advertisement can see her scribbling.

Looking at the rest of this mess, I’d say the advertising circulars almost deserve a post all to themselves.  Did you see this page, Sigyn?  One can purchase personalized checks.  You’d like the ones with butterflies, wouldn’t you?

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Augh!  Checks with my “brother” and his stupid friends!  And lightning checks, also for Thor!  Grrrr. Why are there no checks with images pertinent to MY interests?

Because the humans like to eat (or in the female’s case, eat and eat and eat), the grocery advertisements can usually be found among the detritus on the table.  Sigyn is pleased to learn that grapes are coming into season and may be had cheaply.  I approve of their color.

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Along with the shopping ads are loose coupons.  The humans are famous for hoarding coupons as if they were gold ingots– and then forgetting to use them before they expire.

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The human female is very good at gobbling up this particular new brand of bacteria-laden fermented milk product.  I have tasted it and I concur.  Quite nice, and it comes in unusual flavors such as strawberry-rhubarb and pumpkin.  The fact that it is full-fat and has more than twice the calories as all the other brands might have something to do with her burgeoning waistline, but even she would find it difficult to eat five at once.

Actually that coupon is part of a little game I’ve devised for her.  I have hacked the store’s coupon-printer so that it prints what I tell it.  I started with “buy one, get a coupon worth fifty cents on your next purchase of two.”  Then it was “buy two, get a coupon for one dollar off on your next purchase of four,” and so on, as you can see.  Every time she takes the deal, I up the ante.  I’m trying to see how many I can get her to buy at once, with the aim of filling the entire refrigerator with yogurt.  But this coupon languished under some other papers and has long since expired, so I’ll have to make sure she gets it again.  Or maybe I’ll skip right over five and go for a “save two dollars on six“…

We have only just scratched the surface here, junk-wise, so stay tuned.

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One Last Bit of Mischief

We’ve looked at about everything in the gallery today, but I’ve a bit more mischief to do.

In the classroom, they have an ancient Midgardian device for listening to audio recordings of a type that decays as you listen.

museumheadphones

Hmm.  It’s all right, if you like that sort of thing, but it’s little boring.  I think I will change every track on each of these albums to something a little more exciting.

While I’m taking care of this, Sigyn is exploring a display of the museum’s recent acquisitions.

And indulging in a bit of social commentary.

defiant girl

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Yes, We Are Still Here

For a small museum, there is a lot going on here today!  Now we are looking at an exhibit of drawings of the largely-ruined friezes on a building that the mortals call “The Parthenon.”  It really is in terrible shape.  On Asgard, we know how to take care of our nice architecture.

Here is the artist’s rendition of what one of the carvings used to look like.

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Now, I’m no expert, but there doesn’t seem to be much connecting the horses to that chariot.  We also seem to be missing a number of hind legs.

There is a little model of the building that someone has made out of wood.

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I want to go inside to look around, but the prune-faced lady at the reception desk seems to have been hired specifically to Disapprove of anything other than just looking at the exhibits from a distance.  Either that, or someone spit in her oatmeal this morning.

Now where has Sigyn got off to, while I was staring at the cranky lady and wishing her a head full of bees?   Did she wander back out to look at the glass again?

Oh, there you are, dearest!  What is it that has you so fascinated?

museumdrawing

Um…

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There’s A Red One And A Blue One And A Pink One And A Yellow One

Look, beloved!   There are more brightly-colored trinkets over here.

Sigyn has a fondness for red glass, but I have my eye on that green one…

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In my previous post, I made the connection between fish and glass, and  you thought I was just making a wild simile metaphor analogy literary device thingy.

Shows what you know.  Behold:

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That is a genuine fish vase.   The human female says it is probably for putting trout lilies in.  (She needs a smacking soooo bad.)

And, as if that were not enough, here is a fish pitcher.

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I thought about inserting a baseball-themed fish pun here, but decided this was not the proper plaice for one.

Sigyn, come look at this weird little piece.  What do you think it is?

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The card says it’s a perfume bottle, but wouldn’t it spend its whole life rolling off the dressing table?  Some artist spent weeks working on something that is just going to fall and smash on its first day of use.  Pathetic. That’s what it is—pathetic.

The theme of this next part of the exhibit seems to be the Exotic East or some such.

Hence: pyramids!

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Why the storks overflying the  Egyptian pyramids are drawn in the Chinese style is explained on the little exhibit card.  Sloppy curating, that’s what that is.

More Egyptian-themed goodies:

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A glass vase shaped like a chunk of elephant tusk.

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News flash:  No one actually believes that is ivory.

This one, on the other hand, does look sort of ivory-ish.

cabochon vase

The cabochons, alas, are not actual rubies.  Too bad–I’d have had enough to buy my own fish vase.

Sigyn, I think we have found the stereotype portion of the exhibit.

Scratch that.  I think we have found the three-legged camel portion of the collection.  Exhibit A :

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Aaaaand, Exhibit B:

camelvase

Quite possibly, these unbalanced ships of the desert are a bit odd when it comes to limb number and placement.  No sleek luxury craft, these.  No, indeed!  These are ancient tripedal scows, paint peeling and crew swearing, lurching their way across a glassy sea.

A body could get motion sick just looking at this stuff.

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Birthday Baubles

It is my dearest sweetie’s birthday today!  Once again we are visiting one of the museums on campus, the one that has all the beautiful glass.  (Sigyn really, REALLY likes paperweights!)

Sigyn has started with some skillfully rendered flowers.

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See–I have given roses to my beloved on her special day.  Let no one say that Loki, Ruler of Midgard, is not a true romantic.

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No, Sigyn.  I do not think the birdie can come out to play.

Oh, this one is interesting.  A sphere with bits lopped off.

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I suppose that does let one see the poppies inside.  If that’s what they are.  I can’t be bothered to learn all the names of real Midgardian plants—what makes you think I spend any time trying to recognize little glass ones?

Oh, now this one is nice.  The black background is quite effective.  I myself, though I prefer to accentuate my garb with green (it brings out my eyes), am quite fond of black.

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The human female (who let HER tag along?!) says that paperweight number 7 is a bird-of-paradise.  Doesn’t look like a bird to me.

This is what a bird looks like, bird-brain:

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The human female’s mother and the human male’s mother are both quite fond of hummingbirds.   Sigyn likes them nearly as much.  I suppose since this paperweight is numbered, the museum staff know they have it and would miss it if it were to… take a little “leave of absence” from the case.

No birds here.  Just bees.  Well, bees and a peony.   Bees and a peony and the most beautiful little face on Midgard!

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Time for some refreshments!  How about some strawberries, my love?

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Be careful, though.  I don’t think green ones are ripe.

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Happy Birthday, Dearest!

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Just Hanging Around

We are still hanging around here at Maybe-Mint-But-No-Actual-Spring.  The human female is itching and scratching because she didn’t want to goop up with bug repellent for what she thought would be a short trip.  She’s getting good and bitten up and, since she is physically incapable of not scratching, I predict that that  one on her neck will be roughly the size of a prize-winning goiter by tomorrow.

Idiot.

You’ll notice I said “hanging.”  I mean that in the literal, dangling-from-stationary-objects sense.

Looks like a good crop of grapes this year.  We shall have to come back when they’re ripe and watch the human female make horrible faces as she tries to eat them.  (I know better than to try to eat them with the skin on, but she isn’t very bright and foolishly tries one every couple of years, just to see if still tastes awful.  Hint:  it does.)

grapes

Cedar trees–which are junipers and not, apparently, actually cedars (stupid Midgardian plant names!)–are also good for dangling.

juniper

I’ve yet to see the human female try to eat a juniper “berry,” but I wouldn’t put it past her.  Hmm…  I shall have to ponder how I can bring such a thing about.

It’s not only woody plants that are good for dangling.

bromus

She’s had to enlist the human female’s help because the stems are so thin, but once up there, Sigyn has found that this very fuzzy brome grass has a satisfying sway to it, especially on a breezy day.  Yes, Sigyn, those fuzzy spikelets would make good pets.  Of course you can bring one home if you like!  Bring three or four and I will put some in the human female’s socks.

In addition to the hanging about and mosquito-slapping, there is a good deal of clambering happening here today.

This is old plainsman, or woolly-white.

hymenopappaus

Then there’s this yellow thing.  Its name, the human female says, was recently changed from Engelmannia pinnatifida (which at least described the shape of the leaves) to Engelmannia peristenia, a move which has proven to delight absolutely no one.

engelmannia

This plant is named after a botanist with such poor handwriting that his labels have been databased as Eugelmuuu, Engelnuuu, Euglenumu, and various other permutations.  Cursive is such a stupid idea.  Jotuns and Asgardians both use runes and trust me, we don’t have such orthographic abominations.

This is such a backwards planet.

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Another Midgardian Holiday I Don’t Quite Get

I checked the calendar today, and it indicates that May 5th is some sort of Midgardian holiday.  It properly belongs to inhabitants of the realm to the south, but denizens of this country seem to have embraced it with great fervor.

Sigyn and I have encountered a colorful holiday display in the local market.

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I confess I have no clear idea about what this holiday celebrates.  From what I’m standing on, I’m starting to think it has to do with individually wrapped slices of pasteurized process cheese food.

Looking around at the rest of the display, I surmise that this day has been set aside for the consumption of beer, avocados, and more beer.

And the beating with sticks of cardboard effigies stuffed with inexpensive corn-based snack foods.

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And people say Asgardian customs are weird.

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