Naughty Loki

Previously Uncharted Levels of Mischief, Part II: The Human Female Strikes Back

Sigyn has been mulling over the too-tiny needlework charts the human female is getting from her charting program.

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Maybe using a magnifier would help?

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I actually like that idea!  It would be beyond annoying.  Looking back and forth between the chart and the fabric would be sure to result in lots of mistakes!  Especially since the idiot woman is planning to stitch the design on black, like the original, which is frustrating and difficult in and of itself.

Norns’ nighties!!  The idiot woman had the bright idea to take the files that make her tiny, pale charts to the local copy shop and have them printed out double-sized on their big engineering printer!

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Look at this test page!  It’s huge–and readable!  I can’t have that!  Maybe printing all twenty pages will be prohibitively expensive.  Hope, hope, hope…

Augh!  The human female is smiling!  Sixty-nine cents a page?!  That’s all?

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Ooooh, this is a setback, to be sure, but I’m not done fighting yet… In round three, the gloves come off!

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Previously Uncharted Levels of Mischief, Part I: Sooo Tiny!

It’s the human female’s Special Day.  She’s officially Even Older.  In the spirit of festivity and mirth (mine), I’ve prepared a little surprise for her.

Remember the giant needlework project she’s been charting for years?  She finally finished that part of the process, transcribing, stitch by stitch, that enormous floral rug.  Time to start stitching it, yes?

No!  Not if I have anything to do with it!

First, I think I’ll make it so that her chart prints out so tiny and faint that it can’t  be read.

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Ehehehe!  She even told the program to save it at TEN TIMES normal size!

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Nope, still bitty.

Well, the copier can enlarge a  8.5″ x 11″ to 11″ x 17″.  That’s 129%.  Surely that will be big enough!

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Nope!  Ehehehehe!  Will she ever be able to stitch what she’s been working on for so long?

What about running it through the copier at 200%?

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What do you think, Sigyn?  That looks pretty legible to me.  I can’t let it be that easy.  Let’s see how long it takes her to notice…

Sigyn’s figured it out:

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Putting it through the copier like that gets her only a fraction of the page.  If she does that, she’s going to have to stand at the copier for weeks, moving the original around, trying to get all the bits and then she’ll have to put them back together.

Ehehehehe!  Now she’s thought of blowing it up on the computer, capturing the screen, and printing the image.

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That works!  Up to the same point–she’d have to capture her work in dozens and dozens of tiny little bits and then somehow get them all aligned, with no mistakes.   

Sure looks like all her hard work is not going to be easily usable at all.

Too bad, so sad, Happy Birthday!

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Flowers For My Birthday

As I noted yesterday.  It was my birthday a few days ago.  I’m now in the Post-Birthday Slump. Sigh.  Another year older and no closer to ruling Midgard.  The human female’s nasty acetone threat was hurtful too.  I am in desperate need of cheering up.

And since a happy Sigyn never fails to make me smile, we are doing what my beloved likes best, walking and looking for flowers.  No place fancy, just around the block between chilly showers.  It’s not too early for winter annuals.

See?  There’s the smile I needed!  Sherardia is an old friend.

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And the burr clover is in bloom too.  What fun!

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Of course, it’ll be more fun when it gets around to making burrs.  Watching the human female pick them out of her shoelaces and socks is one of my favorite spring traditions.

Sigyn has found one she really likes.  It’s called “cowboy satchel”—or something like that.

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Tiny, delicate white flowers, heart-shaped fruit, sturdy enough to climb—What’s not to love?

From her high perch, she has a good, close-up look at the fuzzy purple henbit blossoms.

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I will admit to liking this one as well.  Purple is a most fitting color for royalty, they say.

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As well, the flowers look like little sock puppets, all proclaiming, “Hail, Loki!  Ruler-to-be of all Midgard!”

And, since I have magic at my disposal, I can actually make them do it.

What have you found now, my love?

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“It’s a dandelion!  You can make wishes on them!”

Really?  How quaint!  And what are you going to wish for?

“That you have a wonderful year ahead!”

I tell you, mortals, this woman is too good for me.

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Send the Kiddies Out of the Room!

I had a birthday over the weekend, and I still feel a little like celebrating.

Going a little wild!

Doing something cRaZy…

Being a little—no, MORE than a little— daring…

Posting something absolutely scandalous

Downright exhibitionist…

Something never before shown on this blog

Now, for the first time, I may violate accepted norms of public decency…  

Shock the neighbors…

Traumatize children for the rest of their lives…

I present to you…

LOKI IN HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT!

You’ve been warned.

Are you sure you want to see?

Because once you see it, you can’t un-see it…

Can you handle such raw magnificence?

Very well…

BEHOLD!

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Snazzy, no?

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Aack! More Ribbon!

Sigyn, in that sweet, pretty, pleading way she has, convinced me to stay and help her look at more ribbons.

Sigh.  I can deny her nothing.  At least, since it’s the book with the Yule ribbon in it, there’s a good chance there may be some green samples.  Perhaps I can find something to replace my cloak, which has become a bit threadbare about the hem.

Sigyn has lost no time finding something she really likes.

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I am willing to admit that’s a lovely ribbon.  But it’s so w  i  d  e, my love!  What would you do with it?  Make a fancy runner carpet for the hallway?

This one, now…

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Lovely color.  Non-girly name.  And the gold edging just puts it over the top.  I wonder if  the human female’s friend would notice if I helped myself to the sample?

Odin’s eyepatch!  If there was ever any doubt how degenerate, how morally bankrupt, how utterly lacking in good taste Midgardians are, I think I need only offer this sample page as evidence:

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Lime green and glitter!  And lime green glitter!  When did LIME GREEN come to be a Yule color?!  And haven’t I heard somewhere that glitter is bad for the environment?  It’s certainly bad for tidy housekeeping!  That stuff sheds everywhere!  And it multiplies!  One speck of glitter today; a sparkling cat and twinkly underwear tomorrow!

On second thought, I’ll take a case.  As a….a gift.  Yes, that’s it…

Sigyn is a big fan of wire-edged ribbon, since it can be induced to hold its shape.  It’s handy for wrapping plant pots, making big, loopy bows, and so on.

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And evidently also constructing diaphanous play tents.

Which are lime green and glittery.  Figures.

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The Girliest Thing Ever

A friend of the human female’s is visiting.  They’ve been friends for decades, which is mind-boggling.  Not in an “Oh, my!  How the years have flown!” sort of way, but in an “I can’t believe anyone has known the human female that long and hasn’t run screaming for the hills,” sort of way.

Sigyn is excited to meet this friend.  They have a lot in common–they both like to bake, like flowers, like books and cats, and have a penchant for flowery hats.

Recently, this friend has taken a new job, one that involves selling ribbons and folderols, mainly to florists.  For the tying of posies, one presumes.  She has brought her sample books for Sigyn and the human female to peruse.  Faugh!  Sounds like a girly evening.  I’d take myself off into another dimension and give all the squeeing a miss, but I do like to keep an eye on Sigyn. Very well.  I shall stay, but I refuse to be drawn into any discussion of the relative merits of double-faced satin vs. grossgrain. (I am embarrassed I even know those terms.)

The sample books are huge.  Here, my love.  Let me open that for you.

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Sigyn, predictably, has bypassed the rainbow and gone straight for her favorite color.

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This page, if I could get rid of all the urply purple stuff, would be just about perfect.

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Great Frigga’s corset!  Sigyn, I know you like to pet soft things, but the velvetness of this one…

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…doesn’t make up for its utter, alarming PINKNESS.  For the love of Fenrir, turn the page!!

Augh!  This page is no better!  My eyes!  My eyes!

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If you put that in a funeral floral arrangement, it’d wake the very dead.

Hmm.  Perhaps that’s its purpose.  Fine, then!  I shall take a roll of the green, just in case of any future life-threatening mishaps.  Or in case I find any good roadkill I wish to reanimate for humorous purposes…

What’s this?  Burlap and lace?!

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No, and NO, and NO.  Loki does not “do” lace.  Ladies, it’s all yours.  I’m out of here!

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