I Live For These Moments of Panic

The setup for some of my mischief takes longer than the actual execution.  There’s the planning, the careful preparation of locations and props, and—in some cases—a bit of phony (ehehehehe–“phoney“—get it?) text messaging.

Behold my latest:

phone virus

Once she stops hyperventilating and the blood gets back to her brain, she’ll figure out it’s fake, but those five seconds of sheer terror will keep me chuckling and skipping for a week.

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Poke, Poke, Poke

Uh, oh.  The human female is cooking again.  Chicken stew this time, I think.  I’ll let her continue, because the result is usually edible.  Chicken, shallots, carrots, peas, herbs, and chicken broth.

Hmm.  What’s the missing ingredient?  Mischief!  Now, what can I do that won’t jeopardize the final result?

Got it!  You know how there is always more broth in the container than the recipe calls for?  The human female, being “thrifty”, always wants to freeze the leftovers for a later date.  Labeled baggie and everything.

Poke, poke, poke.

leaky broth

Dribble, dribble, dribble…

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Starting the New Year Off Right

Sometimes it seems as if the new year doesn’t start on January 1.  It takes a few days to hit one’s stride and really get going on the resolutions.

My main resolution this year is to cause more mischief.  Not necessarily big catastrophes, just more of the tiny, gritty annoyances that wear down the human female’s soul like raspy sandpaper on soft plaster.  Things that will make her fail in keeping her resolution not to swear so much.  (Granted, not many of the bad words come out of her mouth, exactly, but I can tell she’s thinking them!)

Today, I think I’ll start in the kitchen.   She has promised a house-guest waffles.  Waffles!  With real maple syrup!  She never makes waffles at home (only when an inn has a waffle maker), but today she’s going to do it!  She has the batter mixed, but let’s see what happens if I distract her from performing the next, crucial step of greasing the griddle…

waffle-fail

Pancakes it is!

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Tsk. Tsk. I Do Hope Everyone is All Right…

One of the last things the human female and her staff did before they closed down for the holiday was clean out the office break room cold storage box  People, I have done things and seen things, but there was stuff in that refrigerator that will give me nightmares for years.   Green things that should not have been green.  Furry things that should not have been furry.  Green, furry things that should have been neither green nor furry.

The human female also washed up the big, red platters that one of her bosses had brought in filled with muffins, cookies, and some wickedly delicious candied bacon.  As she was washing its back side, she noted this little label on the back, a little label I had prevented the boss from seeing.

poison plate

Ehehehehe.  She has been feeling a bit poorly.  I shall have to keep an eye on her and see if…twitching… develops.

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By All Means, Let Us Have Truth In Labeling

The human female is in possession of a bottle of rather nice perfume.  Norns know she needs something to cover up her natural funk.  She is quite enamored of it because it smells rather deliciously of oil of bergamot.

Or rather, it used to.

She prizes it so highly that she only wears it on special occasions, doling it out a spritz here and a spritz there.

Her parsimony has come to nip her in the behind.  She was being such a miser about it that I decided to hurry along the natural changes that take place in a bottle of perfume, especially one whose base is floral or citrussy.  She is now in possession of a bottle of something spoiled and reeky that will entice no one.

There, mortal.  I fixed the label for you.

cliniqueUNhappy

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I Thought I Left The Carnage Behind on Vacation!

Our vacation was fun—right up until Sigyn and I stumbled upon a murder victim and I was nearly arrested for the crime.  We are both somewhat traumatized.  She is having a bit of a rest while I catch up on what has transpired while we were away.

The Yule decorations are still up.

A few cookies remain.

Great Frigga’s Hairpins!  Not again!

deadgnome1

This time I do know the victim, and I’m sure the body has been moved. This little gnome fellow is a regular resident upon the Yule tree.  Such a cruel and senseless crime!

And I believe I know where to point the finger of blame…

deadgnomeculprit

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A New Yule Tradition–Day 5: An Inauspicious Start to the New Year

It’s our last day, so to help distract us from the giant elephant in the room of having to return home tomorrow, we have scheduled one last big adventure.

Sigyn has never flown in a hot-air balloon, and neither have I.

balloons

It will be a good way to survey the surrounding countryside, and with my magic, there’s no danger that we will crash or drift out to see or some such foolishness .  See if you can find us one whose gondola is not already full of Victorian cosplayers.

(later)  That was quite fun!  We shall have to do it again sometime soon.

We do not have time for a visit to the botanical garden, but we can certainly spend some pleasant moments strolling in this grove of glitter pines.

red and gold trees

Sigyn really likes them, because they are *SpArkLy* and essentially red and yellow.  Ehehehe–think how awful one would look in the human female’s yard…  It just might be time to do a little guerilla gardening…

(later)

Uh, oh.  Sigyn, I think we may have strayed into a part of town that is not so nice…  There’s no need to fear, since I have my magic and my dagger (and many other weapons secreted about my person), but let us pay attention and remain aware of our surroundings as we work our way back to the camper.

Norns’ nighties!  I think this poor fellow has been the victim of a mugging!

stabbing

Run and fetch help whilst I try to stop his hemorrhage.

Ugh. This is not how I wanted to end our trip.  Hang on, fellow.  Help is coming.

(a bit later)

Yes, officer, I “just happened” to come upon the poor, late Mister Frosty.

tin copper

Yes, I had a dagger, but it was out because this is a shady part of town and I surmised—correctly, I might add— that you boys in blue have not been diligent in keeping up patrols in the area.  If anyone’s to blame, it’s you.

Yes, officer, there is blood on my cloak, but only because I stopped to render aid.  Is that not the correct thing to do in these parts?

Look, I know that I do have a bit of a reputation for mayhem and violence, but ask anyone:  I only visit such upon those who have wronged me, and I’ve never tasted seen the  poor fellow before.

No, I would not like to accompany you down to any station to answer any more questions.  I am a god, you dull creature, and I am done with answering questions.  I have NOT stabbed anyone today, but if you annoy me further, that might change.  Cease casting your aspersions upon my honor or I shall leave you with a wound which you can compare to the deceased’s.

Come, Sigyn, we are teleporting home.  I’m sorry that our vacation has had to end upon such a sad and sour note.   Think of hot air balloons, sparkly trees, cat-shaped mugs, cozy campers, furry deer, and strolls along the canal.

Next year, we are definitely going back to doing the glass museum instead.

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