I’d Like to Propose a Toast

Remember that the humans had to buy a new toaster because the last one ended up full of glass?

Well, the human male apparently hasn’t read the instructions.  You see, he woke up this morning wanting a toasted English muffin, so he dropped one in the toaster.  When it was toasted just right, he wanted to interrupt the process.

He should have pushed this little button:


It has the humans’ international symbol for “No.”  You’d think that’d be obvious.

Instead, at my prompting, the human male just flipped up the lever.


This had the immediate effect of launching the small round breakfast high in the air.  It landed with a plop and skidded under the refrigerator, whence the human male retrieved it.


Mmm, breakfast.

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A Defective Breakfast

The human female, to put it delicately, is not at her best immediately upon rising. She is also rather lazy. Because of these two character flaws, she will from time to time employ a bread-making machine, setting it to deliver a hot, fragrant loaf at approximately getting-up time. A culinary incentive to wakefulness, if you will.

She has done thus this morning. I cannot say I am impressed with the results.


The loaf has an acceptable texture and aroma, but it is defective. One should not be able to peer through a slice of toast! And not one but TWO butter-leakers! This breakfast is unworthy of my dearest Sigyn. My love, would you not rather have an omelet?

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Yet another Midgardian inn

I forgot to mention that the humans traveled for this past holiday, staying in yet another Midgardian inn. I am beginning to believe that they were all constructed by one person, for they are all mostly the same, same, same. *Yawn.*

I will admit, however, that this one had a unique method of presenting the bath linens. We had a good game of hide-and-seek.


Sigyn won. (Horns are hard to hide.)

This inn was another with a sink cake.


Sigyn, I know you were excited, but remember what I’ve told you about them. They’re not edible, no matter how good they smell.

So we checked out the inn’s actually-food offerings. Mostly the same as previous inn fare, though it did have these small round breakfasts The human female says they’re for eating with butter and honey, but Sigyn found them fluffy enough to recline on. I think perhaps this is what the Midgardians refer to as a "Bed and Breakfast."


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After the feast

We did have a large Thanksgiving feast with family. We all had to say what we were thankful for. I was thankful that we were not having dinner with my family.

Afterwards, Sigyn and I took a stroll in the garden to help walk off the meal. Sigyn, no flower is as fair as you.


The next day, we found we were still mostly full from the previous day’ feast. For breakfast, the human female herself could manage only a bit of toast with (red) jam, some (red) juice, and some (reddish) fruit-clabbered milk. (Bleargh.)


Her tendency to color-coordinate her meals baffles me.

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In which we go to a wedding reception.

I’m not sure this is an auspicious beginning to the day.

Another typical inn breakfast. It appears that everything on offer today is…yellow. And is that supposed to be an egg? What do you have to do to an egg to make it look like that?


The wedding is being held at a small church. Not this one, the one next to it. This one has a fence and notices all around it. The wall was just falling away from the rest of the building, and they’ve had to prop it up.


And before you ask, No, I did not do it. It was like that when we got here.

Well, that was not fair. I was not allowed to go to the actual ceremony. (The human female says I can’t be trusted in a house of worship. I don’t know why… I am a GOD, after all!) But Sigyn and I have been invited to the reception, which is being held in the parish hall. I’m given to understand that is a casual “country” reception–pit-roasted sausages in a spicy sauce, twangy local music, the bride and groom wearing pointy-toed boots. Interesting. The table decorations are small trees…


… which Sigyn has of course climbed. She will no doubt smell like rosemary for a week. (Which is not a bad thing.)

Rather than the traditional cake, the bride and groom have elected to serve multiple kinds of pie. I approve! Sigyn has chosen apple, while I am intrigued by this confection which includes nuts, butter, eggs, whiskey, and an alarming but delectable amount of sugar.


Oh, by Sleipnir’s monstrous farrier bill! The human female has scarfed down half our pies and now she is dancing. Eye bleach! I believe I need some eye bleach.

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A Holiday! Day 2: Making new friends

We slept very well and arose early to be up and doing. We enjoyed this large round breakfast. It tasted wonderfully of some sweet spice but was very sticky.


It looks like rain, so we are doing indoor things today.

We have heard that this place is the home of some indigenous deities. I have thought it prudent to seek them out and introduce myself, one god to another, as it were.


Oh, no! That blue fellow looks to be about to stomp on my beloved! Oh, wait. He is merely dancing. Lucky for him– as conquering *this* particular bit of Midgard is not on my agenda–yet. I would prefer to count them as potential allies, rather than have to smite them and force them to kneel.

They are proving to be most hospitable. This little one is offering refreshments. Perhaps later? I am still full from breakfast.


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I have heard the humans speak of this oblong breakfast as a kola… Kola… Kolachamathingy. I think they usually contain oozy fruit, though this one seems to be full of cheese and… something else. ??? Some unfortunate animal, evidently.


Kolache, kolace, kolacky*….Whatever. I’m not sure I want to eat a food I cannot spell.

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* Not to be confused with kolaczki, which are something else entirely. Stupid Midgardian food.


Once again, Sigyn and I are traveling with the humans. They have chosen to stay at the most confusing inn I have ever encountered. Take, for example, this door near the lift.


Believe it or not, I did not do this. And what do you make of these instructions for egress in “the unlikely event” of fire? I shall give you a moment to ponder it…


1) Relative to the room in which we are staying, the map is upside down. 2) Room number 221 has been magically transported to the third floor. (Again, I did not do it.) And 3) The helpful “you are here” dot seems to suggest that we are standing in the parking lot, no doubt watching as the inn goes up in flames. (The map assumes one has managed to find the stairs, which I was unable to locate.)

Like the last inn we stayed at, this one has provided an adequate breakfast, though not one befitting the future ruler of Midgard. It does, however, feature a machine which makes a breakfast in the shape of this state. See what I cooked:


I have used my magic and my (grudgingly) acquired knowledge of this state to create a precipitation map. Note the plump, perfect eastern portion and increasing scantiness as one moves westward. The Plains and Panhandle are experiencing a drought, while the Trans-Pecos in the far west has had a bare 1.5″ of rain so far this year and scarcely registers at all. Sigyn is inspecting Galveston Bay in the compartment to her south.

Can we go home now?
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A map (Here there be Lokis)

Or one Loki, anyway.

On my way out of the library, I have noticed this fine, quite detailed, three-dimensional map of the campus. Seeing the contours of the land should make siting my palace easier. (Good drainage is so important. However, there really isn’t any terrain to speak of in this part of Midgard. I have seen griddle cakes* with more relief.)

It would appear that a spot in front of the Systems Building, near the main entrance to the campus, would suit. I could have a hill erected so that my palace would command the view in any direction, and it would look well at the end of New Main Drive. I can stock the golf course ponds with swans and aquatic monsters. The tall Oceanography and Meteorology tower is a bit of a distraction, though. It will have to go.

Oh, and one other thing. I prefer a precise North-South-East-West alignment, and this whole place is off by about forty-five and a half degrees. Sloppy! Rotating everything will take a bit of effort, but I believe everyone will thank me in the long run.

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*Now I am hungry.