chaos in the kitchen

Third Time is Definitely NOT the Charm

Sniff, sniff…  What’s this?  I smell something a-baking in the kitchen!  I could do with a bit of breakfast!

Volstagg’s straining waistcoat!  The human male is attempting to make waffles. And on a weekday, too!   After the last two disastrous attempts, you’d have think the mortals would have given up.  But hope springs eternal, and all that.  Human beings are just so…so…dogged.

Uh, oh.  Looks like he did not get a very good fill on the first batch.


And they do not appear to be very crisp.  I’m no expert, but I’m fairly certain…


…waffles should not be able to fold like that.

The next batch is taking   f  o  r  e  v  e  r  to finish cooking.   The male has handed off waffle-watching duty to the female while he goes and dresses for work.

Still waiting.

And waiting.

What is the hold-up, mortal?

Shouldn’t there be a little red light, right about…oh, right where I’m standing?


I think it’s time you took a peek to see how they’re progressing.


Nowhere close to browning.  And they’ve been in for how long?

The light dawns:


When you can put your hand on it like that and hold it there, I think it’s safe to say that you will be having cold cereal this morning— and heaving something rectangular and heavy in the trash can.

Ehehehe!  I foiled breakfast again!

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‘Tis a Mystery

The humans like to cook, and I will be the first to admit that they have an enviable collection of herbs and spices.  It takes up whole double cupboard, and it’s positively crammed.  I never get tired of watching them rummage to find the basil (which I hide on a regular basis) or the little tin of hot Hungarian paprika which, despite its being bright red, is surprisingly easy to lose in there.  It is extra-amusing when things fall out during this fossicking process, which they often do.  Picking spice jars out of the dish drainer is a common occurrence, and fun even if they do not break.

Crash!  There goes something now!  Let us go investigate.

Ehehehe!  Looks like today it was the lavender sugar that decided to take a header out of the cupboard.  I remember when she made that last year.


Well, look here.  It is a breaky day after all!  The lid is cracked beyond help.  I did better than I thought, when I perched the jar so precariously.

In its tumble into ruin, it landed most ungently on the small slow-cooker that the human female uses to make her special, organic, super-lumpy oatmeal.  And woe is her!  It has broken a fair-sized piece out of the handle.


Out of the bottom of the handle.  I could tell you how I managed to make it happen, but where’s the fun in that?

All hail, Loki, god of Physics Do Not Apply to Me.

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Fun With Unidentified Seasonal Fruit

The human male has come home from doing the marketing with a surprise for the female. And here it is. It’s a… It’s a…


I have no idea what it is.

Sigyn, is that anything you recognize? It looks like an apple, a pear, and a lemon had too much to drink and this was the sad  result. It’s hard as a brick, too, isn’t it?


Volstagg’s straining waiscoat buttons! Look at the arse on that thing!

I have a hard time believing that this is actually supposed to be edible. Surely this is a Joke Fruit. I don’t trust it. Nope, Not. At. All.

The human female says this is something that isn’t meant to be eaten raw.  She’s whacked it into pieces with extreme prejudice and no finesse, and now she’s got the pieces simmering with sugar in a saucepan.


Careful, dearest!  Don’t fall in!

Hmmm. I detect a hint of dessertification happening here.  The human female has added apples, sugar, spices, and a little corn starch.


Sigyn approves of sugar and spices.  If allowed, I believe she would wallow.

(later) The human female chucked the whole mess onto a crust in a pie plate. I “helped” her roll out the top crust. Oopsie. She cut out some pastry stars to cover up the giant tear.  It’s been baking for a while now, and it smells as if it might be done.


Oh, yeah. Those stars are totally disguising your failure.

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Oh, The Carnage!

You’ll recall that the human female made bacon rolls whilst her mother and sister (she of the similar high-pitched shrieky laughter) were visiting.  The visiting family have been un-fetched, safely delivered to the airport in the Big City to the West.  The humans are now left with an empty-seeming house, a blessed silence that seems to ring in my ears, and a quantity of leftovers.

You wouldn’t think that there would be bacon rolls left over, seeing as how those amazing hand-held rounds of gustatory glory tend to vanish like good intentions, but there were actually two remainders.  They, in their zip-locked Bag of Freshness were stored in the cold oven to keep marauding felines from feasting on such rarefied fare.

The past four days have been one continuous eating frenzy of feasting both at home and in sundry eateries. The human male and female are opting tonight for simple fare  The female is arranging some toppings on a rising-crust pizza.  I have suggested that the male helpfully set the oven to pre-heat at 400° F.

Oh, dear.

The human female has rushed to the rescue, but alas! The burnt offering has been made…

slaggedrolls1 - Copy

…and the kitchen deities are jealous of their sacrifices.

Oh, dear. 

slaggedrolls2 - Copy

Plastic-coated meteorites, anyone?

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Education Comes in Many Forms

The human female’s office mate (who has to deal with a lot of whining students) is quite fond of the saying, “Education comes in many forms.”  I have found this to be very true.

Sometimes, the lessons come thick and fast.  For example, I have arranged matters so that the human female has just learned the answers to not one but THREE questions at once.

–Where did the twist-tie from the package of tortillas go?

–What is that funny smell coming from the microwave?

–What is the best way to put out a flaming paper towel?

microwave fire

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