Eater Bunny

Out on the Town, Trying to Pick Up Chicks

The local markets have been full of all the trippings and trappings of the annual Eater Bunny celebration for well over a month now.  Sigyn and the human female like to stop to squee over all the “cute” things.  I have tagged along on today’s shopping trip,  just to curb their enthusiasm and make sure that not too much junk follows them home.*

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Really, dearest?  You want four bright yellow fluffy fake fowlettes with seriously beady eyes?  I know you think they’re cute, but I simply cannot imagine anything sillier.

Except perhaps a six-pack…

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Or the pastel jobbies in the background.

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*It’s my personal theory that the inferior “chocolate” used in seasonal molded rabbits gives off fumes that make mortals susceptible to the lures of plush animals in colors not found in nature, misshapen marshmallow birds, shredded cellophane, stale jelly beans, dyed wicker, and blown-out eggs filled with confetti and malice.

In Which We Meet the Fell Beast At Last

Sigyn wants to go look at the vetch in the front yard again, before it fades away.  (The human female says it’s a “wildflower” and “pretty,” but it’s really just a weed she’s too lazy to pull.)

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Fandral’s mustache! Sigyn, do you see that?

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Do you suppose…?  For years, we’ve been hearing tales about the Eater Bunny, vicious devourer of small children and hapless livestock.  You and I have encountered rabbits previously, and last year we assumed we’d proven the tales to be false, but this thing is so huge…

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Aww.  It’s cute!  Maybe this one is friendly too and–

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Avaunt, fell beast!  Release my beloved before I blast you into hasenpfeffer!

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Kick, Sigyn, KICK!  You have to keep him from swallowing!

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Quick!  I’ll hold his mouth open while you escape!  SPIT HER OUT, you lapinaceous hellspawn!

Sigyn, dearest, are you all right?  If he has harmed one hair on your precious head, I will flay him alive and make buntings for all the babies in the neighborhood!  Norns’ nighties!  That was close!

Wait!  What are you doing?

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Once again, Sigyn’s rapport with animals carries the day.  Ride the bunny all you like, my love.  I’m right behind you, and if he so much as twitches a whisker, I will pith him on the instant.

You heard it here, folks–the Eater Bunny is real

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Divvying up

Sigh. Sigyn says I’m not being very nice. That’s precisely the point, my sweetling, but just for you, I will share these jelly birds’ eggs with the humans, dividing them fairly.

One for them and one for me.

One for them and two for me.

One for them and three for me…

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So this is what the fuss is about

Well, it turns out that the jellied birds’ eggs are just a fruit-flavored gummy candy. No actual birdie bits. That does make them more appealing, and probably safer to eat.

Just to make sure they are safe, I will take a bite out of each one for you.

You’re welcome.

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p.s. The bites I don’t like I will spit out, leaving a trail of little sticky morsels behind me.

She has no idea

The human female has NO idea what is about to descend upon her pointy head.

I found out today that not only did the human female know that Sigyn and I were trapped last month in that monster-ridden other world, she had the power to get us back here and did nothing to help.

I saw this poster the other day. The band name is appropriate to my mood and expresses what I long to unleash. However, a quick death is too good for her. From now on, she is going to suffer in a thousand little ways. I will be as insidious, as annoying, as obstructive, and as irritating as I can. I will dog her footsteps and interfere with her every enterprise. I will be the thorn in her side, the pebble in her shoe, the fly in her ointment, the dark cloud on her every bright horizon.

Trust my rage.

I shall begin by waylaying and robbing another of the Eater Bunny’s minions who is here to leave treats. Stand, lapine, and hand over those jellied birds’ eggs!

Another ridiculous Midgardian holiday

The Midgardians are gearing up for another of their incomprehensible festivals. As best I can make out, this one involves the young of various farm animals, including sheep, ducks, and chickens,. There are fertility rites, as well as the commemoration of a slain rabbit who was revived to a state of perpetual hunger. The required propitiatory offerings to the Eater Bunny deity, appropriately enough, appear to be things which can be eaten, such as votive rabbits molded of chocolate, jellied birds’ eggs (ewww), and neon-colored rubbery blobs which resemble legless chickens. (I do not know what those are made of. I suspect it is nothing organic.)

When I rule Midgard, all the holidays and all the offerings will be for me! Is that not simpler?

And what is this? It is vaguely rabbit-like in form. Is it a minion of the Eater Bunny? I shall take preventive measures lest it try to eat *me.*