It’s been quite some time, I believe, since I have enlightened my readers as to my progress in making the human female’s life a nightmare. Let me rectify that!
I was not idle over the Yule holiday. I managed to manipulate both space and time. Something the human female ordered on December 12 was tracked to Hutchins, Texas on December 13. On the 14th, she was told it was in Ocala, Florida on the 13th and was in Hutchins, Texas at 1:00 p.m., even though it was then only 9:00 a.m. I like to watch that vein in her forehead bulge.
Two Yule gifts that people said they were sending to the human female have yet to arrive. She does not know whether the gifts were, in fact, sent; whether Unrepentant Package Squashers or Usually Smashes Packages Significantly has made some grievous error; or whether I have been holed up somewhere, secretly eating chocolate, reading botany books, and drawing mustaches on photos of the grand-nieces and -nephews.
My gift to the male was a nasty cold. Generous soul that he is, he shared with the human female, so that they both hacked and snorted their way through the holiday. The female is still coughing, so I’m getting some good mileage out of a few microbes! It’s called Thrift.
Of course, the fact that record cold has been followed by record heat, then rain, then fog, then wind, then cold again so that no one knows what to wear hasn’t helped. Thor’s not the only one who can fiddle with the weather!
Following my recommendation, the local utility company has instituted a monthy “road improvement” fee to be assessed on all households. Ostensibly, this is for Road Improvement, but it is actually the “Loki Roadtrip Improvement” fee. By spring break, Sigyn and I will be able to go someplace really nice.
On the work front, I continue to be quite busy. The new semester has started, which means the usual chaos of out-of-department teaching assistants, computer users who manage to delete their entire mailboxes, multiple conflicting versions of each syllabus, malfunctioning thermostats, and no-shows at critical meetings.
BAMN, my beloved purchasing software system, that which has caused the human female so much grief, is being phased out. That is all right. I have wrung about as much mayhem out of it as I can. I will be able to confound her with just vendors and shippers and bookkeeping! Why, already this semester, the Purveyor of Squiggly Things has shipped termites on the wrong day, increased all their prices, and lost the human-female-approves-all-shipping-charges-so-please-do-not-call-on-every-order note that was hanging in their shipping office. There’s no fear anyone will forget BAMN, though, because there will long remain that open commitment with the Purveyor of Dead Things for that last order of stiff kitties. It will remain on the books for-ev-er.
She is also haunted by the Ghosts of Piglets Past. The Landfill Guardians have decreed that the preserved porcine cadavers are too much all at once. The female must PAY the University’s Vet School to pick them up and incinerate them. The good news is that she finally made contact with the people who can make this happen. The bad news is that all the little piggies have to be unbagged before they will take them. File under “eew.”
The human female produced a small spate of actual useful activity in re-organizing the Biology Image Library, a vasty collection of images and review questions which the students may use (but mostly don’t) for study. Responding to numerous student requests, she sorted the images in each review set by lab. Wanting to keep her occupied and out of my hair for as long as possible, I tinkered with the underlying code so that the images in each set display in alphabetical order by file name–no exceptions. The only way to accomplish the sorting was to save each image, rename it with a name beginning with the name of the lab, and re-upload it. Repeat for each review set. Lest she become too complacent and file the sorted gallery as “completed business,” I deleted the script that alerted her to new faculty users requesting faculty access to the library, so now each new user will have to email her so that she can log in and enable them. And then mail the new user back to let them know they can access the library.
I have engendered a war betwixt the human female and the main office copier-printer. She was unable to print to it, getting only the message that the printer was offline due to a document “stuck” in the print queue. When she tried to delete the document, she discovered that it was not one of hers. It belonged to the IT tech who last set up user access to the printer–so she couldn’t delete it! The IT tech was able to remotely log-in and delete it, but I guess his finger slipped (innocent whistling), because then the human female’s computer couldn’t see the printer at all.
I have also had my wicked way with the Department’s back-up server, with its array of hard drives. I have had the drives fail one after the other, usually during a major backup session or an array rebuild, and at the most inconvenient times! Such as last thing on the last day before the Yule holiday. And on weekends. And when the humans were out of town. The human male does not often indulge in profanity, but he has learned some new words!
Astute readers will recall that the human female had a teensy little tiff with one of my hymenopterous associates back in October. Since then, her swollen knuckle and advancing avoirdupois have kept her from wearing her engagement-wedding ring combination. After determining that the swollen joint was not going to return to its accustomed size any time in the near future, she took the ring to a local jeweler for re-sizing. They kept the ring for a few weeks, then reported that they could not do the job without separating the rings from one another, nor would they do the work unless she agreed to re-tipping all the prongs and having some additional work done, to the merry tune of $400.00+. She asked them to return the ring to her, saying she will seek aid elsewhere. So now she has it back and has added “find a different jeweler” to her ever-increasing to-do list. The longer it sits about, off her hand, the more time I have to shove it down the sofa or feed it to the cat, so by all means, mortal, procrastinate away!
The humans and the feline continue to rely on various prescriptions for their continued miserable existence. I have had had some fun with the mail-order pharmacy, Pills-R-Us, before. They used to think 11 pills was an 11-day supply and so not count it as eligible for autoship. Well, now they think that 9 pills is an 11-day supply. I’m going for seven next month. Meanwhile, the pharmacy that compounds the feline’s nostrums continues to invisibly under-fill every syringe of transdermally-applied medicine (they look full), with the result that estimating what is left in any given syringe is indeed a crapshoot.
Let me think…. What else?
I made a funny smell in Room 313, prompting a round of everyone’s favorite game, “Hunt the Stench.” The consensus was “mouse,” and I scattered a few dry droppings about, so the past week has involved traps, peanut butter, and a sort of rodentiferous paranoia. Except no one has caught anything. Except perhaps hantavirus, but eh, Frost Giants are immune, so who really cares?
I made a steam leak in the autoclave, such that the resulting cloud set off the fire alarms and the whole building had to be evacuated. On the first day of the semester. In the rain.
The fridge made a puddle.
The feline made a puddle. I have also taught her to lick the leather sofa, so now there’s a light, very smooth patch in her favorite spot. Well, actually the middle of the dining room table is her favorite spot, because that’s where all the good sun is, of course.
My favorite spot is anywhere Sigyn is, about four inches to the left.