Groot

Into the New Year, Part II: All the Usual Suspects

Arrgh. This party looks to be just as pretentious and loud and obnoxious as I feared it would be. Stark has chosen to have it, not in the spacious lounge (whose window I once yeeted him out of), but in one of his cavernous workrooms. I suppose he was trying for “industrial chic”, but the result is not overly festive.

And here comes the man himself!

“Hello, hello! Welcome to me! And my tower! Glad you could make it. Sigyn, you’re looking as beautiful as ever. Dum-E, get these two a drink.”

“Hello, Stark. I see the Ugly Sweater Fairy paid you a Yule visit.”

“Pepper picked it out. I think it’s…quirky. Besides, Reindeer games, it’s about a thousand times better than that ratty green cape of yours. But come on in. Mi casa, and all that.”

Sigyn is a first-class mingler. She has made a beeline for the grill, where the female guests have got lobster and turkey legs going and are each possessed of a colorful cocktail.

(Captain Marvel:) “Hi, Sigyn! Glad you could make it!”

“Hi, Carol, Hi, Pepper! Nat, Darcy, good to see you. Is Jane here too?”

(Darcy:) “No, she’s off doing some science-y stuff at the South Pole. You know. Can we get you a drink? I’ve got a Purple People Eater, Pep’s a margarita girl, Widow’s got some mead or something, and Captain’s sticking with white wine.”

“Thanks. Maybe later.”

….

I see all sorts of people here I’d pay good money not to have to talk to. That corner over there looks particularly awful.

(Spidey:) “So this old lady bought me a churro. Turns out they’re great and now I can’t stop eating ’em.”

(Thor:) “Truly. I feel the same about these turkey legs.”

(Both:) “And that burger looks really, really good…”

….

I see the “No lie, there I was”-ing has started up over there.

Confession time. I can never tell Peter Quill and Hawkeye apart when they’re unarmed. Bow and arrow, it’s Birdbrain. Dorky goggles and a blaster, it’s Quill. No weapons? Toss up. Doesn’t matter, though. My tolerance for braggadocio is quite limited–my own glorious exploits are the only ones worth paying attention to–so there’s no way in Hel I’m going to break in on that little gathering.

Ehehehe! Nick Fury trying to make small talk with T’Challa and Muffy.

Now that’s an awkward situation almost worth coming to this party to see.

Well, well, well. What’s going on over there? Looks like the Arboreal Crowd are having a little confab.

Uh, oh. Someone had better keep an eye on Rocket…

or that little wreath-bot is going to finish the evening minus a couple of components…

Hmm. Mischief. Maybe this party isn’t a total waste of time after all…

>|: [

What They’ve All Been Up To, Part V: They’ll Let Just Anyone In Here

I’ve managed to check up on most of the local citizenry, but a few are conspicuously missing. Where are Black Widow, Captain Marvel, Pepper Potts, and the other members of the X Chromosome League?

Ah. Found them. All I had to do was follow the giggling.

Apparently it’s Hair-do Club Day and I didn’t get the memo. The topic for this week’s meeting is The Long Bob and the Faces It Flatters. Darcy looks unsure about chopping off her long mane.

Wait—I was momentarily blinded by the glare from the screen.

“Thor, is that you?”

“Indeed, brother! These fair ladies have been offering most sage advice on how best to tame my flowing locks.”

‘Flowing locks’? Give me a break.”

“Hey, can anyone get in on this?”

Gunnehilde! I was NOT expecting to run into my bearded sister-in-law today, and especially not here! It would appear that the five-o-clock shadow spell I cast upon her on the first day of April going on seven years ago has lost none of its efficacy. Is she not a sight to behold?

Ehehehehehe! As I said, it suits her. Sometimes I do not know my own strength. Ehehehehehe! Ack! I forget sometimes she knows what to do with that sword! Time to make a strategic retreat.

Ah. Late winter sunshine and the narcissus are blooming.

And I found Groot! I think he likes the sunshine, too.

Now, where did Sigyn go?

>|: [

A Mischievous Milestone!

I’m pretty sure that since most humans are too busy to keep track of such things–and that some (like the human female) can’t count that high–none of the minions who read this ongoing record of my exploits have realized that, sometime in the last week, my journal has passed

TWO THOUSAND ENTRIES.

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Granted, some of them were brief announcements (often of the nature of “I didn’t do it” with a chuckle at some poor mortal’s misfortune), but I still feel this calls for some sort of recognition.

Gather, my adoring masses!  My ears await your paeans of praise!  Where are the armies marching in review?  Where are the fireworks? Where is my parade already?

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Ah, well.  At least there’s cake.

>|: [

Feel free to express your adulation in the comments!  Don’t leave me here with only the noise of Thor chewing.

Revenge of the Flora, Part 8

Vrooooom!

Screeeech!

Hey!  What’s all the ruckus?  Why’ve you got hold of my friend Sigyn, and what’s the kitten doing on the ground?

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“Stay out of this, rodent.  It doesn’t concern you.”

“‘Rodent‘, is it?  Just for that, me and my buddy Groot, here, are gonna unleash six kinds of whoop-ass on you. ”

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“See this cannon?  When this is all done, there won’t be enough left of you jokers to make a small side-salad and a boutonniere.  What do you say to that?”

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Vrooooom!

“Hey, Rocket—Need any help?”

“Nah, Cap, I got this, but because I’m such a nice guy, I’ll let you take a swing at a couple of the posies, if you want.”

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“Thanks!  Because I hate bullies, even if they do look like a corsage run amok.”

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“Now, listen up:  You weeds have two of my good friends.  Let them go now and we can all walk away from this in one piece.”

“Ha!  Do your worst, Captain Spandex!”

<knuckles cracking>  “I was kinda hoping you’d say that.”

“You stand no chance of defeating us!”

On va voir!

(to be continued…)

Gathering More Help

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to ask for help, but Sigyn is missing and I’m frantic and someone has to know where she is and…

Focus, Loki. Keep looking. Think. Who are her other friends?

There’s, um, that flaky doctor and his simian sidekick. It couldn’t hurt to try him.

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“Und ze centrifuge, Remus, mein Freunde. I must have one. Add that to your total, Bitte.”

“Herr Doktor, Guten Tag.”

“Loki, and assorted others! Guten Tag! Herr Clown und Herr Schneemann I know, but who is the so pretty Fraulein Kätzchen?”

“This is Muffy. Look, Doktor–”

“‘Arnold,’ Bitte.”

“Look, Arnold, have you seen Sigyn? She’s been missing since yesterday, and we can’t find her anywhere.”

“Nein. I have not seen your Liebchen. Remus? Hast Du sie gesehen? Nein? I am sorry, Herr Loki. But we do not know where she may be.”

“Will you help us look?”

“Ja, of course we help you. Remus, he helps me with the unplugging of certain devices, and then we go.”

“Danke, Arnold; Danke, Remus.”

I can think of one more person to ask.

…………………………

“I hear you up there banging around. Don’t just stand there. Hand me the 5/8″ crescent wrench, will ya?”

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“Rocket–”

“Oh, hey, Loki! What brings you here? Hey! Get that monkey out of my tools!”

Rocket, we’re looking for Sigyn. She’s missing. Have you seen her?”

“Nah, man. Me and Groot have been off doing some odd jobs, ya know? Haven’t seen her in a while.”

“Damn. No one knows where she is, and I’m getting really worried.”

“No kidding. Look, lemme finish this one little thing and then me and Groot’ll help you look.”

“Thanks. I have the horrible feeling we’re running out of time.”

>|: [

 

Help Wanted, Part VI: The Fifth Interview

I have learned my lesson! When the second of today’s candidates shows up, I will make sure to look through the peephole first. Oh. My. Word. What I am seeing is so strange that I have to open the door for a better look. What am to make of this?

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And now, without so much as a “by your leave,” this…critter… is poking through the remains of the X-53! Cue recorder!

…………………………………………..

Raccoon: “Hey, I’m gonna need this guy’s leg. And maybe an arm.”

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Loki: And just who are you?

Raccoon: Name’s Rocket. Heard you were looking for some help. Got any projects in mind?

Loki: Not at this precise moment. But– Hey! Stop tinkering with that and pay attention.

Rocket: Oh, okay. Yeah? What do you wanna know?

Loki: You could start by telling me about your skills. How could you be useful to me?

Sigyn: <giggles>

Rocket: Best pilot you’ll ever meet. Weapons expert. Escape artist. There isn’t the jail that can hold me. I specialize in jobs that need a little extra…creativity.

Loki: Interesting. I assume you have references? What about your most recent employment?

Rocket: Well, I been hanging around with this Quill guy. Starlord, they call him. Guy named Drax. Green girl named Gamora.

Sigyn: <giggling>

Loki: Gamora?

Rocket: Yeah. You know her? Adopted daughter of Thanos, but–

Loki: Thanos?!

Rocket: Yeah, but–

Loki: This interview is over. Leave. NOW.

Rocket: Hey! Wait! Wait. Keep your horns on. Sure, she’s Thanos’ daughter, but she don’t work for him no more. Believe me, I got nothing to do with that crazy purple dude.

Loki: I hope for your sake that is true—Sigyn, what are you doing?

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Rocket: Ah, that’s just Groot.

(Loki: “Groot”? There’s a talking raccoon that knows bloody Thanos in my house, with a potted twig he calls “Groot”… Could this day be any more surreal?)

Rocket: Groot’s all right. He’s a little on the small side right now, but give him a year or two and he’ll be back to his big old self.

Sigyn: <giggles>

Loki: Sigyn, what are you doing?

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Sigyn: We’re just having a little dance.

Loki: Sigh. Look, Rocket, Groot, whatever. I’m not sure this is going to work out.

Rocket: Yeah, I was getting that.

Loki: Maybe some other time? I’ve got your contact info if…

Rocket: Don’t call me, buddy, I’ll call you.

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Sigyn: Bye!

………………………………..

Is it me? I place a simple help wanted ad and all the weirdos in the galaxy show up. Is there something in me that just calls to fruitcakes? >|: [

(ed. note: Sorry for the brief but egregious Guardians of the Galaxy crossover. Wait. No, I’m not.)