helpful Loki

With Malus Aforethought

I think I know how to make the human female’s love of apples bear fruit. (Snerk!)

She really does keep track of all the different varieties she eats.  She even photographs them:


That’s just a sample.  And look!  She’s even had one of those ‘Winter Banana’ ones!

She keeps her tasting notes in a little book.  Actually, make that “books.”  She’s filled one completely up and is a good way into another.


She records their lineage, their appearance, and their taste. Her favorites get a little star by their name.


Looks like her hundredth variety was a good one.  I’ve made sure she hasn’t found any since.

She has no compunction about lambasting varieties she finds less than stellar:


These little books are like scripture for her.  Her memory’s not so good, so she really relies on them to help her remember which varieties she’d like to eat again and which ones to skip.  No one’s allowed to meddle with them.

Pffft!  Rules.  Let’s see if she notices my little addition…


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Mmm… Maybeeee

I *may* have helped the human female by doing the laminating.

mangled laminating

Why do you ask?

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Cleaning Up One of the Human Female’s Mistakes

I want it on record that I don’t always cause mischief and break things.  Sometimes I actually fix things!  Today, for example, I am taking care of one of the human female’s blunders.  One of her coworkers has a quaint little penguin made largely of seashells, and the human female oafishly knocked into it and sent it hurtling toward the ground, breaking off one of its wings.  She’s too ham-fisted for delicate repair work, so I offered to help with the repairs, with Sigyn as my lovely assistant.

See?  Here is the patient.

broken penguin1

You will observe that on the right side he has a fine, healthy wing.

broken penguin2

Whereas on the left side—

broken penguin3

I know.  It IS very sad.  Poor, brave penguin.  But as you can see, I’ve got the wing.  All we need to do is reattach it.  I will prep the bird for surgery.  You go fetch the wherewithal to mend him.

broken penguin4

Mmmm.  No.  I don’t think that will hold.  We need something stronger.

broken penguin5

Well, yes, tape probably would get the wing to stay on, but, my love, we want to do this as invisibly as possible.

broken penguin6

Um.  Yes, all right.  This stuff would hold the wing on, but it dries rather rubbery and flexible.  We need a good, solid glue.

broken penguin7


Sigh.  You’re getting warmer, dearest.  Glue is definitely the way to go, but isn’t there something stronger in the house?  Go check in the catch-all drawer in the kitchen.  There’s bound to be something in there that would work.

broken penguin8

Bingo!  This will do the trick nicely.  Mister Penguin will have to sit quietly for a day or two, but he should be just fine afterwards.  We’ll have him recuperate in the garage, though, because by Idunn’s itty bitty apples, this stuff stinks!

There!  He’ll be good as new!  Sigyn, why don’t you lead him off to rest while I think of clever and delightful ways to affix the human female’s belongings to various inconvenient surfaces and objects…

Safety First! (Time Well Spent)

Part of the human female’s job is Safety.  

Yes, that word is Capitalized—at least around here.  It is her job to make sure the fire codes are followed, hazardous waste is tagged and disposed of properly, broken glassware is put into a special container, sharps ditto, the hallways are kept clear, and the Prep Staff are primed and ready to deal with any emergency, from breakfast-shunning fainters to students making bad choices regarding forceps and electrical outlets.

One piece of equipment the workgroup has but hopes never to need to use is the AED.  I forget what that stands for.  Angst-inducing Electrical Doo-dad?


It hangs on the wall in the hallway.  The human female is supposed to check every day that the pretty little status light is green.  Once per month, she’s supposed to make sure all of its various bits and contrivances are in good working order.  Sometimes I do this for her.

This red light will light up if the thing is actually being used to zap someone.


As with so many things, it would look better if it were green.  All it would take is one little spell…


Inside the box, there’s a hangy key.


If one is just checking the device and doesn’t wish to alarm everyone in a hundred-foot radius, one puts the key in the lock on the outside of the box and turns it.


Sometimes I “forget” this step.  The alarm is gratifyingly ear-piercing.

Next, I have to take the box out.  See?  Here’s that green light I was speaking of.   Hello, my lovely.


Do you see the white “bloom” on the housing, next to the locator label?  When the unit was installed, it was all right, but I changed this bit into that weird plastic that gets sticky and greasy with age.  Whenever the human female has to handle it, she always tries to avoid touching that part.  If she misses, she makes faces like she’s been tasked with touching baboon butts.  (Makes her look worse than usual.  Someone with a face like hers shouldn’t be so judge-y about baboon butts, if you know what I mean.)

But I digress.  The next step is to open the box and then push the yellow arrow button to open the shocky-part.



Or, at least, that’s what it’s supposed to say.  When she does the checking, the human female usually puts her hands over the speaker so that what comes out is more like


When I do the checking, I usually wait until the hallway is full of students studying for a quiz and then let it rip at full volume (and then some.)  All those exclamation points tend to have an effect on people that is just the opposite of calm.  I never get tired of seeing the more tightly-wound kiddos jump and startle.

After the shouty bit is over with, it’s a matter of simply initialing the check chart and reversing the steps to put the AED (Angry Exclaiming Device?) back into its locker.  I’ve left a little spell, and about half the time, the human female pinches herself on the snaps that hold the inner case shut.

The whole process takes under four minutes.   But since I can spend two and a half of those annoying the female whether she does it or I do it, it’s four minutes well spent.

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This One’s Yours

Oh, human female, I know you are perpetually trying to lose a few pounds.  Since the weather’s been bad and exercise is tough because your feet are still six kinds of messed up, you’ve been working on something you call “portion control.”  I know it’s been hard, because you really do love to put your snout in the trough and just inhale.

Now, I never try to lose weight, of course, because the more of me, the better, but I’m willing to help you out.   Never let it be said that I’m unsympathetic.

Take tonight, for example.  Sigyn is visiting her sister, but the blue-haired goddaughter is here for dinner, and we are having fish.  These potato-crusted fish-oid objects are actually pretty tasty!  I’ve used my magic to make sure you don’t over-eat by right-sizing the “fillets” remaining in the bag.

See?  Two for me, two for the human male, two for the blue-haired goddaughter, and this special one for you.


You’re welcome.

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A is for Aggravation

A is for Airborne Pollen.  A is for Allergies.  A is for Allegra, the human female’s anti-sneezamine of choice.  She used to get it cheaply by prescription, but I saw to it that when it went over-the-counter her insurance stopped covering it.  It’s not exactly cheap, even in generic form, so she hoards them and only uses them when she really, really needs some relief.

Today she is sniffling and sneezing and making other Undignified and Revolting Noises.  I don’t know about her, but I need relief, so I have demanded that she break out her emergency sample pack.

Here, you sniveling snot-bucket.  In the interest of some peace and quiet, I will even help you open it.


Non-drowsy formula?  Does that mean your post-lunch nap is off for today?


By Idunn’s apple dumplings!  Talk about over-packagingSelf-promoting over-packagingGarish, self-promoting over-packaging!  Let’s get this miracle pill out and hope it’s effective.  (If it doesn’t do the trick administered orally, I shall magic up two more and shove them up her nostrils.  Anything is better than listening to her honk and snort!)


Ugh!  This plastic is impervious to my impressive dagger skills.  Time to break out the big gun(gnir.)


Take that!  And that!



Here, mortal.  Take your stupid medicine.  I do hope this tablet lasts the whole 24 hours, because this is too much like work to want to do it again soon.

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Dear Human Female–A New Year’s Resolution

After some soul-searching, I have decided that perhaps Sigyn is right.  It is easier to accomplish one’s goals with the help of friends.   I resolve, then, to be a better friend to you.  I will stop passing judgment and forgive all the slights you have heaped upon me.  I resolve to be more helpful, starting now.

I will help you with your goal of finishing a book a week this year.


The lame priest did it.

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