I didn't do it

Happy Birthday to Me!, Part I: Predictable

Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to me! It’s my special day, the weather is fine, and there are no wet, blue emergencies today, so we are off to the Big City to the South! Objectives: Fun, mischief, presents, food, and a break from staring at the same walls. (February, as I have noted, is tough. My natal day provides a much-needed bright spot in an otherwise dreary month.)

Long-time readers and attentive minions will no doubt have guessed what our first stop is. If you said, “Probably the Purveyor of Pens,” you are correct! It is a very predictable thing. Mostly we are here because the human male has a pen that needs adjusting. I want it on record that HE was the one who dropped it. I just made sure it landed nib-first.

Looking at all the different colors of ink is always fun. I did not know there were this many shades of teal.

They all clash with my cape, so I will keep looking.

This is more like it!

The human female is looking for a light green (predictable: she’s a botanist) and can’t decide between Ink Studio #200 and #167. Silly mortal. Doesn’t she know that the deeper the green, the better?

Hmm. Maybe there is something better in the shipment that just came in.

I think there are some bottles of Noodler’s here that are going to go for pretty cheap! *I* didn’t smash them (already had my ink spill thrill for the week), but I’m having a good giggle at the thought of someone who isn’t me having to clean all this up and deal with the return/refund paperwork!

Sigyn is looking at the journals and cannot decide between the one with the fish and the one with the duck.

Colorful–but wouldn’t you really rather have plants on the cover? Or, look, what about this one?

Not for you, but I could steal it for the human female. It would be very appropriate for her to write down all her bull—t in.

I should probably get a blank book, too. Generations to come will want to know all the particulars of my rise to fame and domination. I should be more punctilious about recording my thoughts and pronouncements. There are plenty of blank books here to choose from. Different sizes, different papers. Ruled, unruled, dot grid…

Predictably, I want a green one. They have green, though it’s sort of an anemic shade. There are more different blues:

Which is patently unfair. Green is by far the superior color, whatever the shade. Ask any tree, shrub, lime, or little frog.

Oh well. While Sigyn looks at the greeting cards and the staff are distracted by the humans and other customers, I’m going to change one of these into the right color and slip it into my pocket dimension.

Birthday present? Check! Mischief? Check! Our work here is done…

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She Is *Such* a Moron

The human female is still playing with her silly colorful bits of paper. This is a rather large batch she bought from an online seller.

Sigyn, when you were talking about pretty stamps on envelopes yesterday, you missed this one. Let’s see what’s inside.

Hmm. Strange tropical fruit from Brazil.

Banana, papaya, and … that other one. I have no clue what that is, but at least it’s green and red. I won’t hide it.

Oh, I know what this one is! Remember, Sigyn, when she got the scratch and sniff blueberry stamp?

I think this is from that same set. (scratch, scratch) Well, it doesn’t smell like apple. But maybe apple blossoms? She has the strawberry one. Now she just needs to find the lemon one to complete the collection.

I wish that papaya stamp was scratch and sniff, because those things smell AWFUL.

Great Frigga’s Corset! This is quite the haul.

The human female is checking them off as she puts them in her nerdy little spreadsheet.

Norns’ Nighties! Almost half of them seem to be unaccounted for! She started checking them off a while ago and was interrupted. Perhaps, mortal, you misplaced them in that appalling disaster you call a desktop?

Ehehehehe! She has looked in her stamps that have yet to go into the albums. She’s looked to see if they’ve somehow become mingled with other parcels of stamps yet to be checked in. She has looked among all the papers on the desk, as well as the ones stashed on various chairs and other flat surfaces. Nothing. Did you somehow manage to lose that many stamps? I’d have thought even you couldn’t be so feckless, but perhaps I was mistaken.

She has now convinced herself that she never checked them off because they never came. She has drafted a polite email message to the seller.

Sweet Sif on a Cracker. That seller must be laughing so hard right now. This is his reply:

Double-sided stocksheet? The human female is more used to single-sided ones, but surely she’s not THAT stupid…? Ehehehehe! She looks like a demented squirrel, rummaging among the empty envelopes and stock sheets from her recent purchases.

Good grief.

She is that dumb.

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It Wasn’t Me, But Isn’t It Glorious?

The human female heard this happening in the middle of the night. It was deliciously loud and screechy! It wasn’t me, I swear, but I do appreciate the talents of a good automotive artist.

I shall have to discover who the maestro is, and invite them to perform every night, just as the humans are falling asleep.

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A New Yule Tradition–Day 5: An Inauspicious Start to the New Year

It’s our last day, so to help distract us from the giant elephant in the room of having to return home tomorrow, we have scheduled one last big adventure.

Sigyn has never flown in a hot-air balloon, and neither have I.

balloons

It will be a good way to survey the surrounding countryside, and with my magic, there’s no danger that we will crash or drift out to see or some such foolishness .  See if you can find us one whose gondola is not already full of Victorian cosplayers.

(later)  That was quite fun!  We shall have to do it again sometime soon.

We do not have time for a visit to the botanical garden, but we can certainly spend some pleasant moments strolling in this grove of glitter pines.

red and gold trees

Sigyn really likes them, because they are *SpArkLy* and essentially red and yellow.  Ehehehe–think how awful one would look in the human female’s yard…  It just might be time to do a little guerilla gardening…

(later)

Uh, oh.  Sigyn, I think we may have strayed into a part of town that is not so nice…  There’s no need to fear, since I have my magic and my dagger (and many other weapons secreted about my person), but let us pay attention and remain aware of our surroundings as we work our way back to the camper.

Norns’ nighties!  I think this poor fellow has been the victim of a mugging!

stabbing

Run and fetch help whilst I try to stop his hemorrhage.

Ugh. This is not how I wanted to end our trip.  Hang on, fellow.  Help is coming.

(a bit later)

Yes, officer, I “just happened” to come upon the poor, late Mister Frosty.

tin copper

Yes, I had a dagger, but it was out because this is a shady part of town and I surmised—correctly, I might add— that you boys in blue have not been diligent in keeping up patrols in the area.  If anyone’s to blame, it’s you.

Yes, officer, there is blood on my cloak, but only because I stopped to render aid.  Is that not the correct thing to do in these parts?

Look, I know that I do have a bit of a reputation for mayhem and violence, but ask anyone:  I only visit such upon those who have wronged me, and I’ve never tasted seen the  poor fellow before.

No, I would not like to accompany you down to any station to answer any more questions.  I am a god, you dull creature, and I am done with answering questions.  I have NOT stabbed anyone today, but if you annoy me further, that might change.  Cease casting your aspersions upon my honor or I shall leave you with a wound which you can compare to the deceased’s.

Come, Sigyn, we are teleporting home.  I’m sorry that our vacation has had to end upon such a sad and sour note.   Think of hot air balloons, sparkly trees, cat-shaped mugs, cozy campers, furry deer, and strolls along the canal.

Next year, we are definitely going back to doing the glass museum instead.

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It Wasn’t Me, But I’ll Have to Remember That Google Could Be a Good Ally

I wish–Oh, how I wish!–I could get the human female involved in something like this:

https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/26/us/google-maps-detour-colorado-trnd/index.html

That is some first-class mischief right there!

Actually, come to think of it, the human female drives so slowly down country roads in the spring, gawking at all the wildflowers, that often traffic *does* tend to pile up behind her.  If I tweak Google to recommend whatever route she’s taking to a bunch of other drivers as a speedy detour, the results could be record-setting.

Speaking of records, this is my 1,700th post.  Time flies when you’re creating mayhem!

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I Didn’t Do It–But I Laughed When It Happened!

Quiz time, mortals!  Can you identify this object?

mirror owie

If you guessed “housing for automobile side-view mirror”, you are correct!  This particular one is no longer affixed to the humans’ vehicle.  Why?  It was, I snicker to say, a case of Good News/Bad News.

The Good News is that the human male remembered to take the auto in for its scheduled safety inspection.  I know that I, for one, will sleep better knowing that when we are out and about, my Sigyn is riding in a vehicle with working brakes and steering.

The Bad (and Funny) News that when the dealership was running the very dirty vehicle through its complimentary car wash, their automated equipment ate a large patch of paint off the driver’s side mirror.  They apologized profusely, but the human male still had to get up early to take the vehicle in to have the free replacement installed.

Now, what to do with this damaged old one?  I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and all I have come up with so far is “candy dish for a demolition-derby themed birthday party.”  If you have a better idea (the mischiefier, the better), please let me know in the comments!

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It Wasn’t Me

News item:

https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/12/europe/giant-bronze-hippo-stolen-england/index.html

Though I wish I’d thought of it.  It would be fun to watch the human female try to get it off the front lawn.

And you know I’d place it with the rump facing the street.

Of course, she’s so weird she’d probably leave it.  But then it would be fun to watch her mow around it…

Missed my chance, didn’t I?

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