interview

Help Wanted, Part X: An Unexpected Ninth Encounter

Hiring minions has turned out to be much harder than I thought. I think I will just keep some of the applicants’ contact info on file and call them up if and when I need help on a project. It’s nice to be finished with all the interviews, isn’t it Sigyn?

Odin’s eyepatch! Someone’s at the door? I was hoping for some peace and quiet.

I don’t recognize the fellow, but I have a bad feeling about this…

1-dalek.jpg

"You are not a fellow Dalek! Exterminate!"

"Stop right there, you bucket of bolts! I am a god! One more inch and you will be the one exterminated!"

"Exterminate!"

"You and what army?"

lots-of-daleks.jpg

"Oh . Sigyn–stick close!"

"Loki, The red one is coming at me! Do something!"

maybe-friends.jpg

"Keep your eye on it, and watch out for the plunger while I summon my magic!"

"Loki! I…It isn’t acting as angry as the others. I…I think it might want to be friends…"

friendly-dalek.jpg

"No, Sigyn! Don’t trust it!"

not-friendly.jpg

"Sigyn, hit the floor! NOW!"

daleks-down.jpg

Yes! That was brilliant!

no-daleks-left.jpg

When all of those evil pepper-mills powered up to fire, I quickly calculated that they were positioned in such a way as to very neatly shoot one another. They may be part of some merciless, implacable hive mind, but it’s a feeble, stupid little hive mind.

I think I’ll call that crazy raccoon back up and see what he’ll pay for some of these parts.

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part IX: The Eighth Interview

I think I have someone coming in today. The human female “accidentally” erased the phone message. She swears she didn’t mean to, but she has been annoyed that all the phone calls have been for me recently–she has no friends, or if she does, they never call. “Losing” my messages is just a petty, passive-aggressive manifestation of her insecurities.

I knew it– there is the doorbell. Sigyn, let me get it. You never know who it might be. Yes, it is the season for small, female Midgardian children to hawk cookies door-to-door, and their thin, minty biscuits are particularly tasty, but it might equally be homicidal robots or mutagen-swilling bio-psychologists.

See? I told you–it’s a… a…

kcN4nysgsm5BM2XfLULsYcg3rtH_ULGZe5l0tGiFGQc=w634-h506-no

Actually, I have no clue what this is. A furry Frost Giant on skis and eating an ice-lolly?? That can’t be right. Frost Giants aren’t furry, and we never need skis. Sigyn, start the recorder. We may have ourselves a first-contact situation!

………………………
Loki: Good morning…Sir? Come on in and take off your skis. Are you here about the henchman position? What is your name, please?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp!>

Loki: I’m sorry? Are you in pain, or is that your name?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: I am Loki, and this is Sigyn. You are…?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: Yelp it is, then. Do you speak English?

Yelp: कुनै

Loki: Har du kanskje snakke Norse? Oletteko kenties puhua suomea? Islensku?

Yelp: म तपाईं बुझ्न सक्नुहुन्छ, तर म आफ्नो भाषा बोल्न सक्दैनन्।

Loki: Hmm. Nod, then, if you understand me? Ah. Very good. Now, what can you offer my organization?

Yelp-offers.jpg

Yelp: यो स्वादिष्ट उपचार खान कृपया

Loki: Apparently, popsicles.

Sigyn: Thank you. It looks delicious! Is it blueberry?

Yelp: तपाईं जान्न चाहँदैनन्।

Loki: Areful-cay ith-way the opsicle-pay… So, Yelp. How are you at being brutally ruthless?

Yelp: म मान्छे गले गर्न रुचि

yelp-hug.jpg

Sigyn: Awww! He likes you! That’s so sweet!

Yelp: अन्य मानिसहरू स्वादिष्ट बरफ पर्खिरहेका छन्। म अब जानुपर्छ। सायद हामी एकदिन फेरि भेट्न हुनेछ।

yelp-leaving.jpg

Loki: There is not the smallest particle of that which made sense.

Sigyn: Mmm. Raspberry?


………………………………………………..

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part VII: The Sixth Interview

I received the oddest note this yesterday, written on a thick, expensive paper.. It began legibly enough, but by the bottom of the page, the penmanship had taken a decided turn for the worse.

Hyde.jpg

The bottom margin looked decidedly chewed. Intrigued, I answered the letter and arranged a meeting for this morning.

Ah, here is my guest now. Dapper fellow, to be sure.

Hyde-1.jpg

…………………………………….


Loki: Good morning. Mr. Hyde?

Guest: Dr. Jekyll, actually. Mr. Hyde is my… associate. He sometimes handles my correspondence.

Loki: Ah. Which one of you is applying for the position?

Dr. Jekyll: Both. We come as a bit of a set.

Loki: I see. Well, I have no objections to an amanuensis. What is your particular expertise, Doctor?

Dr. Jekyll: Chemistry. Biochemistry. Biology and physics. Psychology–abnormal psychology is a bit of a hobby of mine.

Loki: Fascinating. Um. What’s with the flask? I’ve seen quite a few flasks this week.

Dr. Jekyll: It’s a special formula of mine. Arf! I have been experimenting with a mixture that will grrrrrrant me a deeper insight into the working of the darker recesses of the inhuman mind.

Loki: Inhuman? Uh, Dr. Jekyll, are you all right? Can I get you a drink of water or something?

Dr. Jekyll: Please, call me Edward. Hnnnghah!

jekyll-hyde-2.jpg

Sigyn: Loki? Is someone here? Eeek!

Loki: Sigyn! Get back!

jekyll-hyde.jpg

Loki: Doctor Mister Jekyll-Hyde, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Capricious I may be, but I do require some stability in my employees.

Hyde: <twitch> Arf! VEry wELl Our PAths mAy croSs agAiN, SirrrRRrrr.

hydeleaving.jpg

…………………………….

Phew! That was close! Is it wrong of me to hope he runs into Bob, the two of them end up being chums, and they sit up until the wee hours one night doing shots of each other’s potions?

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part VI: The Fifth Interview

I have learned my lesson! When the second of today’s candidates shows up, I will make sure to look through the peephole first. Oh. My. Word. What I am seeing is so strange that I have to open the door for a better look. What am to make of this?

rocket2.jpg

And now, without so much as a “by your leave,” this…critter… is poking through the remains of the X-53! Cue recorder!

…………………………………………..

Raccoon: “Hey, I’m gonna need this guy’s leg. And maybe an arm.”

OsJ7nDiYY_Z9e0WxJ15zZGbk-HbFHX_8ld-kyi70hfE=w678-h506-no

Loki: And just who are you?

Raccoon: Name’s Rocket. Heard you were looking for some help. Got any projects in mind?

Loki: Not at this precise moment. But– Hey! Stop tinkering with that and pay attention.

Rocket: Oh, okay. Yeah? What do you wanna know?

Loki: You could start by telling me about your skills. How could you be useful to me?

Sigyn: <giggles>

Rocket: Best pilot you’ll ever meet. Weapons expert. Escape artist. There isn’t the jail that can hold me. I specialize in jobs that need a little extra…creativity.

Loki: Interesting. I assume you have references? What about your most recent employment?

Rocket: Well, I been hanging around with this Quill guy. Starlord, they call him. Guy named Drax. Green girl named Gamora.

Sigyn: <giggling>

Loki: Gamora?

Rocket: Yeah. You know her? Adopted daughter of Thanos, but–

Loki: Thanos?!

Rocket: Yeah, but–

Loki: This interview is over. Leave. NOW.

Rocket: Hey! Wait! Wait. Keep your horns on. Sure, she’s Thanos’ daughter, but she don’t work for him no more. Believe me, I got nothing to do with that crazy purple dude.

Loki: I hope for your sake that is true—Sigyn, what are you doing?

Sigyn-Groot.jpg

Rocket: Ah, that’s just Groot.

(Loki: “Groot”? There’s a talking raccoon that knows bloody Thanos in my house, with a potted twig he calls “Groot”… Could this day be any more surreal?)

Rocket: Groot’s all right. He’s a little on the small side right now, but give him a year or two and he’ll be back to his big old self.

Sigyn: <giggles>

Loki: Sigyn, what are you doing?

Sigyn-groot2.jpg

Sigyn: We’re just having a little dance.

Loki: Sigh. Look, Rocket, Groot, whatever. I’m not sure this is going to work out.

Rocket: Yeah, I was getting that.

Loki: Maybe some other time? I’ve got your contact info if…

Rocket: Don’t call me, buddy, I’ll call you.

I6olgiVga5nEDEh8sZw_GBCL9ritbIqHANegcSHPu2Y=w801-h506-no rocketleaving2.jpg

Sigyn: Bye!

………………………………..

Is it me? I place a simple help wanted ad and all the weirdos in the galaxy show up. Is there something in me that just calls to fruitcakes? >|: [

(ed. note: Sorry for the brief but egregious Guardians of the Galaxy crossover. Wait. No, I’m not.)

Help Wanted, Part V: The Fourth Interview

Except for that pestiferous equine, I’ve been quite pleased with the response to my help wanted ad. There are two more candidates coming today. In fact, the first is due any minute now. I honestly don’t know whom to expect. The voice on the telephone was rather indistinct and the caller gave only the name “X-53.” Must be some sort of code…

Idunn’s itty bitty apples! What the ….? I suppose I never specified that applicants had to be flesh and blood!

x-53-2.jpg

…………………………………………………….


Loki: Hello. You, uh, you certainly look fearsome enough! What’s your name, friend?

Scary metal robot: I AM THE X-53.

Loki: Oh, yes, right. Well. You seem to be very well-armed.

X-53: MY WEAPONS ARE EFFICIENT AGAINST ALL MERE MEAT-ENTITIES.

Loki: I daresay. Why do you want to work with me? What part do you envision yourself playing?

X-53: DESTROY.

Loki: Commendable. Can you be more specific?

X-53: TARGETS ARE WEAK AND MUST BE ELIMINATED.

Loki: Just so we’re clear, *I* specify the targets! I have to ask–do you think you could take orders from a “mere meat-entity”? Could you go along with my plans for world conquest?

X-53: MEAT PLANS ARE DEFICIENT. IT WOULD BE MORE EFFICIENT TO ELIMINATE EXTRANEOUS PERSONNEL. EXAMPLE: THIS FEMALE UNIT SERVES NO PURPOSE AND IS EXPENDABLE.

X-53-Sigyn.jpg

…………………………………………..

Sigyn? Sigyn? You can come out now, love. The X-53 can’t hurt anyone anymore.

Busted-x-53.jpg

Gungnir and meat-entity reflexes trump circuits and “efficient” weaponry every time, Sparky, and don’t you forget it.

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part IV: The Third Interview

I am by myself this morning. Sigyn is out shopping.

Wait–I’m not expecting anyone about the job today. So who’s banging on the door?

Oh, no! It’s that fiend from hell who bit my hand off last year! Begone, foul nag! Flee, or we’ll be feasting on roast horse this eve!

badhorse.jpg

Whew! I just managed to shove him out the door! What unmitigated gall! I know I advertised for heartless brutes, and truly, he is vile and vicious, but I am not THAT desperate!

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part III: The Second Interview

I’m trying not to be discouraged about how poorly the last interview went. They can’t all be as noxious as Bob, surely?

The next candidate didn’t send a resume, but when he phoned, he sounded pretty cool. Perhaps I am merely a sucker for an interesting foreign accent. Ah, here he is now.

What the…? Okay, now, given the consistent and sequential weirdness that is my life, which one of these am I to interview?

The man?

Arnold-1.jpg

Or the monkey?

Remus.jpg

I think I had definitely better record this one!
…………………………………..

Sigyn: Well, hello! Welcome. Loki, look at the monkey! Hi, there, monkey! What’s his name?

Interviewee: Guten Morgen! Das ist Remus, und I am Arnold. Doktor Arnold.

Loki: Good morning, Doktor Arnold.

Doktor Arnold: Herr Docktor Arnold, actually. Herr Doktor Arnold von Ohm. But you may call me Arnold.

Loki: Arnold, then. Thanks for coming. Now, tell me about your education.

Arnold: I attended the so prestigious Berlin-Brandenburgische Akademie der Wissenschaften where I study both electrical engineering und the construction science. First I make the buildings und then I blow them up, ha ha ha!

Loki: Wonderful! It’s always useful to know how to make something go "boom." Would I be familiar with any of your work?

Arnold: Say, this room has unusual distribution of load-bearing pillars. Ein or zwei well-placed charges und… Ja, well, I was in industry for a number of years, but recently I am more focused on my own research und projects. Mainly I work for the international clients who prefer to remain anonymous, do you see? Fame is good, ja, but the satisfaction is in the job well done. You may not have heard of me, but my work–ho! You recall a power outage that darkened Munich for ten hours so all the Oktoberfest beer went warm und flat?

Loki: I do. That was a wonderful bit of mischief.

Arnold: Me! A four-train collision in Rota, Spain? Also me! The collapse of a semi-completed overpass outside of Spokane? Ha! Me again! Und recently half of the Kyle Field here fell down, yes?

Loki: That was most assuredly NOT you.

Arnold: Nein, nein! Not I, but last year I do something similar in Brazil, except I take down the northwest corner und then the southeast corner, pfft! leaving the other two corners standing, so.

Loki: Impressive. Sigyn–do be careful. Monkeys can bite.

Sigyn-Remus.jpg

Arnold: Nein, nein, nein! The Fraulein is quite safe. Remus, he does not bite. He is a good monkey. You are a good monkey, are you not, Remus? Yes, und very useful for the running of cables and fuses in the small spaces! Und Remus, he works for the peanuts, ha ha ha!

Loki: Indeed. Now, have you any other skills that could be useful?

Arnold: I am very good, as they say, at persuading the stubborn people to talk.

Arnold-hose.jpg

Loki: Eliciting information…

Arnold. Ja. I like most the rubber hose, as you see, but I have also the truth serum.

Loki: Let me guess–it’s undetectable in lemonade…

Arnold: Ha ha ha ha! Just so.

Loki: Well, Herr Doktor Arnold von Ohm, I think that you could be a very useful part of my team. If you’ll make sure I have your contact information, I will be sure to contact you in the event I have projects that could use your particular expertise.

Arnold: Danke, Herr Loki. Und good day to you, Fraulein. Come Remus, it is time for lunch. You may live on the bananas but Arnold cannot! Auf wiedersehen, meine Freunde!

Loki and Sigyn: Goodbye!

………………………………..

I must say I am encouraged! Herr Arnold may be a loose cannon, but sometimes a bit of careening artillery is just what the Doktor ordered…

>|: [