Loki helps around the house

‘Tis a Puzzlement

The human female likes puzzles.  She’s pretty good at word puzzles and actually amazingly good at jigsaw puzzles, but not so good at math puzzles and pretty hopeless at those wood-rope-bent metal tavern puzzles.

Let’s see how well she does with the one I left for her in the kitchen.

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Home Disimprovement

The humans’ home is comfortable enough, but it isn’t new, and bits of it are in need of repair. Case in point: the ceiling fan in the parlor is possessed of a four-lamp light fixture that has begun to “eat” light bulbs at an alarming rate. With a little coaching from me, it has developed a taste for the really expensive 100-wattcompact fluorescent ones that, even sucked dry of all life, present a toxic waste hazard that gives everyone the twitches for fear they may break.

Therefore, the humans have enlisted the help of a friend in an attempt to detach the light-kit and fix or replace it. I am lending my aid as well, because that’s just the sort of helpful fellow I am.

The tubular brass arms are reminiscent of a wind instrument. How baroque. Hmm. I do not think the switch is at fault.

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And I am reasonably certain they will find no fault in the bird’s nest of wiring. Yet.

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Remind me… Is the black wire the ground?

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Or is it the white one? And did I mention that I learned a few tricks from Thor and can short out puny Midgardian wires like this with a mere thought? Zap! There goes another one! Aw. That is most regrettable–the humans will have to go and buy a whole new light kit.

These are the fancy, scallopy light shades from the old fixture.

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Fancy, but boring. Everyone has these. Dare I hope the humans will choose something sleek and a little more modern?

Ah. They have returned from the hardware store. Now this is more like it! Smooth and alabasterine and not at all scallopy. I approve, but I will not tell them that.

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Here is the new lighting fixture. Not as curly and hunting-hornish as the other.

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It also appears to have simpler wiring. Should I summon another zap? No, wait! I have a better idea. (And by “better” I mean, “More likely to cause tooth-gnashing and the exchange of blame-filled rants among the humans.”)

Oh, look, the new light kit actually comes *with* bulbs. Convenient, that.

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Let me see if I can read the wattage on one of them. Ehehehehehehehe! I think I can do better!

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There now! Forty watts maximum! All four together will scarcely be equal to one of the old lights! Ha! Let darkness and chaos reign!

Back up the old fixture goes, for now. Other than making the mortals go up and down the ladder and to and from the hardware store, the best part of this, the final indignity, is that they’ll need the receipt to return that new business, and I have already put it away someplace very, very safe. Safe safe safe. Soooo safe. I mean, what could possibly be safer than the pile of already-entered-into-the-checkbook receipts that are headed for the shredder?

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Lest Anyone Think…

…that all my time and all my mental processes have been directed toward seizing the governorship of Texas, let me assure them that I have not slackened my efforts to make the human female’s life as miserable as possible. In the last two or three weeks, I have arranged it so that:

–One of the automobiles (the old one) needed new spark plugs, struts, rear wiper, oil pan gasket, motor mounts, and an assortment of other very pricey bits and pieces.

–This same vehicle left a large and rainbowy oil slick in the driveway, necessitating a tow back to the dealership to tighten some widgets and review all the work.

–The other vehicle (the nearly brand-new one) required its first oil change and tire rotation.

–The washing machine (which I have become skilled at unbalancing) piddled on the garage floor and refused to cease filling or to drain. The humans had to bail out the machine, wring out all the sopping laundry, and beg the use of a friend’s machine. I saw to it that the washer needed not one but two expensive and lengthy repairman visits and the installation of several fiddly little parts. The human female missed an entire day of work, a day which saw several crises in the office that she was not there to handle, much to the annoyance of her boss and consternation of her coworkers.

–Just when the human female has time for some stitchery, she developed what the physician has diagnosed as “tennis elbow,” which is patently absurd, since she is nowise coordinated enough to play tennis. (Or any other sport requiring interaction with moving objects.) No needlework for her for quite awhile.

–On a recent trip to visit friends, the human female forgot to pack any socks at all, and somehow arrived without just part of one shoe.

–The automobile, washer repairman, automobile registration, and physician bills have all arrived at about the same time that the property taxes are due. (The timing of mischief is everything.)

–The shower has begun to drip, and I can guarantee that getting those old knobs off is going to involve swearing and at least two trips to the hardware store.

–Several light bulbs in the house have blown, and another one of them–and this is a piece of work of which I am justly proud!–is going on and off randomly. Thrice I’ve had it go out just as the human female is two paragraphs from finishing a chapter of the book she is reading.

–On the first day of the spring semester (was it only yesterday?), a partial power outage produced locked doors, darkened stairwells, and non-existent internet just as the instructors and students were attempting to meet the 8:00 a.m. classes.

Et cetera. Clearly I have not lost my touch.

Other misfortunes have occurred at work, such as one instructor’s hiring paperwork not clearing approval, so that substitutes have had to be found. The lost and found is already filling up. Other instructors have fallen sick just before or even during class. But I cannot take credit for these events. Do not attribute to my mischief what is easily explained by bureaucracy, absentmindedness, or the inevitable tendency for staff and students to go home over the yule holidays and return to campus harboring microbes of every description.

Am I having fun? Most assuredly! Am I out of ideas? Eheheheheheheh. Oh, no. Not even remotely. No photos–simply imagine the human female pulling her (rapidly graying) hair out.

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Company’s coming!

The humans are expecting the female’s mother for a visit. They are engaged in a massive house-cleaning so that she won’t know what slovens they are.

Time for a big washload. I have helpfully filled the drum with sheets, towels, and an assortment of whites, jeans, sweaters, and some delicate lingerie.

Uh, oh! The machine is flashing an error message!

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Consulting the manual reveals that “UE” stands for UnEven and indicates a load that is too lopsided to spin. It will sit like this for hours until someone notices. Yes! I have managed to throw off the whole housecleaning schedule!

(If anyone dares to put the words “Loki” and “unbalanced” in the same sentence, I will smite them into next week.)

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