Help Wanted, Part X: An Unexpected Ninth Encounter

Hiring minions has turned out to be much harder than I thought. I think I will just keep some of the applicants’ contact info on file and call them up if and when I need help on a project. It’s nice to be finished with all the interviews, isn’t it Sigyn?

Odin’s eyepatch! Someone’s at the door? I was hoping for some peace and quiet.

I don’t recognize the fellow, but I have a bad feeling about this…


"You are not a fellow Dalek! Exterminate!"

"Stop right there, you bucket of bolts! I am a god! One more inch and you will be the one exterminated!"


"You and what army?"


"Oh . Sigyn–stick close!"

"Loki, The red one is coming at me! Do something!"


"Keep your eye on it, and watch out for the plunger while I summon my magic!"

"Loki! I…It isn’t acting as angry as the others. I…I think it might want to be friends…"


"No, Sigyn! Don’t trust it!"


"Sigyn, hit the floor! NOW!"


Yes! That was brilliant!


When all of those evil pepper-mills powered up to fire, I quickly calculated that they were positioned in such a way as to very neatly shoot one another. They may be part of some merciless, implacable hive mind, but it’s a feeble, stupid little hive mind.

I think I’ll call that crazy raccoon back up and see what he’ll pay for some of these parts.

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part IX: The Eighth Interview

I think I have someone coming in today. The human female “accidentally” erased the phone message. She swears she didn’t mean to, but she has been annoyed that all the phone calls have been for me recently–she has no friends, or if she does, they never call. “Losing” my messages is just a petty, passive-aggressive manifestation of her insecurities.

I knew it– there is the doorbell. Sigyn, let me get it. You never know who it might be. Yes, it is the season for small, female Midgardian children to hawk cookies door-to-door, and their thin, minty biscuits are particularly tasty, but it might equally be homicidal robots or mutagen-swilling bio-psychologists.

See? I told you–it’s a… a…


Actually, I have no clue what this is. A furry Frost Giant on skis and eating an ice-lolly?? That can’t be right. Frost Giants aren’t furry, and we never need skis. Sigyn, start the recorder. We may have ourselves a first-contact situation!

Loki: Good morning…Sir? Come on in and take off your skis. Are you here about the henchman position? What is your name, please?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp!>

Loki: I’m sorry? Are you in pain, or is that your name?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: I am Loki, and this is Sigyn. You are…?

Furry Blue Being: <Yelp>

Loki: Yelp it is, then. Do you speak English?

Yelp: कुनै

Loki: Har du kanskje snakke Norse? Oletteko kenties puhua suomea? Islensku?

Yelp: म तपाईं बुझ्न सक्नुहुन्छ, तर म आफ्नो भाषा बोल्न सक्दैनन्।

Loki: Hmm. Nod, then, if you understand me? Ah. Very good. Now, what can you offer my organization?


Yelp: यो स्वादिष्ट उपचार खान कृपया

Loki: Apparently, popsicles.

Sigyn: Thank you. It looks delicious! Is it blueberry?

Yelp: तपाईं जान्न चाहँदैनन्।

Loki: Areful-cay ith-way the opsicle-pay… So, Yelp. How are you at being brutally ruthless?

Yelp: म मान्छे गले गर्न रुचि


Sigyn: Awww! He likes you! That’s so sweet!

Yelp: अन्य मानिसहरू स्वादिष्ट बरफ पर्खिरहेका छन्। म अब जानुपर्छ। सायद हामी एकदिन फेरि भेट्न हुनेछ।


Loki: There is not the smallest particle of that which made sense.

Sigyn: Mmm. Raspberry?


>|: [

Help Wanted, Part VII: The Sixth Interview

I received the oddest note this yesterday, written on a thick, expensive paper.. It began legibly enough, but by the bottom of the page, the penmanship had taken a decided turn for the worse.


The bottom margin looked decidedly chewed. Intrigued, I answered the letter and arranged a meeting for this morning.

Ah, here is my guest now. Dapper fellow, to be sure.



Loki: Good morning. Mr. Hyde?

Guest: Dr. Jekyll, actually. Mr. Hyde is my… associate. He sometimes handles my correspondence.

Loki: Ah. Which one of you is applying for the position?

Dr. Jekyll: Both. We come as a bit of a set.

Loki: I see. Well, I have no objections to an amanuensis. What is your particular expertise, Doctor?

Dr. Jekyll: Chemistry. Biochemistry. Biology and physics. Psychology–abnormal psychology is a bit of a hobby of mine.

Loki: Fascinating. Um. What’s with the flask? I’ve seen quite a few flasks this week.

Dr. Jekyll: It’s a special formula of mine. Arf! I have been experimenting with a mixture that will grrrrrrant me a deeper insight into the working of the darker recesses of the inhuman mind.

Loki: Inhuman? Uh, Dr. Jekyll, are you all right? Can I get you a drink of water or something?

Dr. Jekyll: Please, call me Edward. Hnnnghah!


Sigyn: Loki? Is someone here? Eeek!

Loki: Sigyn! Get back!


Loki: Doctor Mister Jekyll-Hyde, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Capricious I may be, but I do require some stability in my employees.

Hyde: <twitch> Arf! VEry wELl Our PAths mAy croSs agAiN, SirrrRRrrr.



Phew! That was close! Is it wrong of me to hope he runs into Bob, the two of them end up being chums, and they sit up until the wee hours one night doing shots of each other’s potions?

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part VI: The Fifth Interview

I have learned my lesson! When the second of today’s candidates shows up, I will make sure to look through the peephole first. Oh. My. Word. What I am seeing is so strange that I have to open the door for a better look. What am to make of this?


And now, without so much as a “by your leave,” this…critter… is poking through the remains of the X-53! Cue recorder!


Raccoon: “Hey, I’m gonna need this guy’s leg. And maybe an arm.”


Loki: And just who are you?

Raccoon: Name’s Rocket. Heard you were looking for some help. Got any projects in mind?

Loki: Not at this precise moment. But– Hey! Stop tinkering with that and pay attention.

Rocket: Oh, okay. Yeah? What do you wanna know?

Loki: You could start by telling me about your skills. How could you be useful to me?

Sigyn: <giggles>

Rocket: Best pilot you’ll ever meet. Weapons expert. Escape artist. There isn’t the jail that can hold me. I specialize in jobs that need a little extra…creativity.

Loki: Interesting. I assume you have references? What about your most recent employment?

Rocket: Well, I been hanging around with this Quill guy. Starlord, they call him. Guy named Drax. Green girl named Gamora.

Sigyn: <giggling>

Loki: Gamora?

Rocket: Yeah. You know her? Adopted daughter of Thanos, but–

Loki: Thanos?!

Rocket: Yeah, but–

Loki: This interview is over. Leave. NOW.

Rocket: Hey! Wait! Wait. Keep your horns on. Sure, she’s Thanos’ daughter, but she don’t work for him no more. Believe me, I got nothing to do with that crazy purple dude.

Loki: I hope for your sake that is true—Sigyn, what are you doing?


Rocket: Ah, that’s just Groot.

(Loki: “Groot”? There’s a talking raccoon that knows bloody Thanos in my house, with a potted twig he calls “Groot”… Could this day be any more surreal?)

Rocket: Groot’s all right. He’s a little on the small side right now, but give him a year or two and he’ll be back to his big old self.

Sigyn: <giggles>

Loki: Sigyn, what are you doing?


Sigyn: We’re just having a little dance.

Loki: Sigh. Look, Rocket, Groot, whatever. I’m not sure this is going to work out.

Rocket: Yeah, I was getting that.

Loki: Maybe some other time? I’ve got your contact info if…

Rocket: Don’t call me, buddy, I’ll call you.

I6olgiVga5nEDEh8sZw_GBCL9ritbIqHANegcSHPu2Y=w801-h506-no rocketleaving2.jpg

Sigyn: Bye!


Is it me? I place a simple help wanted ad and all the weirdos in the galaxy show up. Is there something in me that just calls to fruitcakes? >|: [

(ed. note: Sorry for the brief but egregious Guardians of the Galaxy crossover. Wait. No, I’m not.)

Help Wanted, Part V: The Fourth Interview

Except for that pestiferous equine, I’ve been quite pleased with the response to my help wanted ad. There are two more candidates coming today. In fact, the first is due any minute now. I honestly don’t know whom to expect. The voice on the telephone was rather indistinct and the caller gave only the name “X-53.” Must be some sort of code…

Idunn’s itty bitty apples! What the ….? I suppose I never specified that applicants had to be flesh and blood!



Loki: Hello. You, uh, you certainly look fearsome enough! What’s your name, friend?

Scary metal robot: I AM THE X-53.

Loki: Oh, yes, right. Well. You seem to be very well-armed.


Loki: I daresay. Why do you want to work with me? What part do you envision yourself playing?


Loki: Commendable. Can you be more specific?


Loki: Just so we’re clear, *I* specify the targets! I have to ask–do you think you could take orders from a “mere meat-entity”? Could you go along with my plans for world conquest?




Sigyn? Sigyn? You can come out now, love. The X-53 can’t hurt anyone anymore.


Gungnir and meat-entity reflexes trump circuits and “efficient” weaponry every time, Sparky, and don’t you forget it.

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part IV: The Third Interview

I am by myself this morning. Sigyn is out shopping.

Wait–I’m not expecting anyone about the job today. So who’s banging on the door?

Oh, no! It’s that fiend from hell who bit my hand off last year! Begone, foul nag! Flee, or we’ll be feasting on roast horse this eve!


Whew! I just managed to shove him out the door! What unmitigated gall! I know I advertised for heartless brutes, and truly, he is vile and vicious, but I am not THAT desperate!

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part III: The Second Interview

I’m trying not to be discouraged about how poorly the last interview went. They can’t all be as noxious as Bob, surely?

The next candidate didn’t send a resume, but when he phoned, he sounded pretty cool. Perhaps I am merely a sucker for an interesting foreign accent. Ah, here he is now.

What the…? Okay, now, given the consistent and sequential weirdness that is my life, which one of these am I to interview?

The man?


Or the monkey?


I think I had definitely better record this one!

Sigyn: Well, hello! Welcome. Loki, look at the monkey! Hi, there, monkey! What’s his name?

Interviewee: Guten Morgen! Das ist Remus, und I am Arnold. Doktor Arnold.

Loki: Good morning, Doktor Arnold.

Doktor Arnold: Herr Docktor Arnold, actually. Herr Doktor Arnold von Ohm. But you may call me Arnold.

Loki: Arnold, then. Thanks for coming. Now, tell me about your education.

Arnold: I attended the so prestigious Berlin-Brandenburgische Akademie der Wissenschaften where I study both electrical engineering und the construction science. First I make the buildings und then I blow them up, ha ha ha!

Loki: Wonderful! It’s always useful to know how to make something go "boom." Would I be familiar with any of your work?

Arnold: Say, this room has unusual distribution of load-bearing pillars. Ein or zwei well-placed charges und… Ja, well, I was in industry for a number of years, but recently I am more focused on my own research und projects. Mainly I work for the international clients who prefer to remain anonymous, do you see? Fame is good, ja, but the satisfaction is in the job well done. You may not have heard of me, but my work–ho! You recall a power outage that darkened Munich for ten hours so all the Oktoberfest beer went warm und flat?

Loki: I do. That was a wonderful bit of mischief.

Arnold: Me! A four-train collision in Rota, Spain? Also me! The collapse of a semi-completed overpass outside of Spokane? Ha! Me again! Und recently half of the Kyle Field here fell down, yes?

Loki: That was most assuredly NOT you.

Arnold: Nein, nein! Not I, but last year I do something similar in Brazil, except I take down the northwest corner und then the southeast corner, pfft! leaving the other two corners standing, so.

Loki: Impressive. Sigyn–do be careful. Monkeys can bite.


Arnold: Nein, nein, nein! The Fraulein is quite safe. Remus, he does not bite. He is a good monkey. You are a good monkey, are you not, Remus? Yes, und very useful for the running of cables and fuses in the small spaces! Und Remus, he works for the peanuts, ha ha ha!

Loki: Indeed. Now, have you any other skills that could be useful?

Arnold: I am very good, as they say, at persuading the stubborn people to talk.


Loki: Eliciting information…

Arnold. Ja. I like most the rubber hose, as you see, but I have also the truth serum.

Loki: Let me guess–it’s undetectable in lemonade…

Arnold: Ha ha ha ha! Just so.

Loki: Well, Herr Doktor Arnold von Ohm, I think that you could be a very useful part of my team. If you’ll make sure I have your contact information, I will be sure to contact you in the event I have projects that could use your particular expertise.

Arnold: Danke, Herr Loki. Und good day to you, Fraulein. Come Remus, it is time for lunch. You may live on the bananas but Arnold cannot! Auf wiedersehen, meine Freunde!

Loki and Sigyn: Goodbye!


I must say I am encouraged! Herr Arnold may be a loose cannon, but sometimes a bit of careening artillery is just what the Doktor ordered…

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part II: The First Interview

I hardly slept last night, I was so eager to begin the process of amassing a coterie of skilled associates. The first interviewee will arrive shortly. Here is her resume. Some problems with formatting, but over-all, it’s impressive, don’t you think?


Ah. She has arrived and is quite animatedly talking with Sigyn.


(I am recording the interviews so that I don’t forget anything.)


Sigyn: Hello, Roberta, and welcome!

Roberta: I hate “Roberta.” Too girly. Call me Bob, please.

Sigyn: Um. Okay. Well, thank you for coming.

Bob: Nice place you have here, though it’s a bit smaller than what I’m used to, of course

Sigyn: Rutgers, right? Loki has some questions about that—

Bob: Who’s Loki?

Sigyn: He’s actually the one who’s looking for colleagues—

Bob: The guy with the horns over there? You mean you’re not the head of this operation?

Sigyn: No–

Bob: Too bad. I work best with women. So, Lokes, What can I do for you?

Loki: Good morning. I’m particularly interested in your chemistry work. I do occasionally have need of someone capable of handling dangerous toxins. When do you think your Ph.D. will be complete?

Bob: Yeah. About that…

Loki: Oh?

Bob: The doctorate is on hold. My um… major professor has had to step away.

Loki: Because?

Bob: Because he, uh, disappeared. No one has seen him since before Christmas.

Sigyn: Oh, no!

Bob: Yeah, it’s all very mysterious. He was very brilliant. Really good with poisons and such. I learned so much from him. But a real jerk. He was always calling me “Honey” and “Babe” and trying to pinch me. Used to make me furious.

Loki: I … see. So, um, what’s in the Erlenmeyer flasks?


Bob: I brought samples of my work. This yellow one is a hemotoxin approximately fifty times more potent than rattlesnake venom. It’ll rot you from the inside out, slowly. No cure. And it’s untasteable in lemonade.

Loki: Impressive. What’s in the blue one?


Bob: Looks like window cleaner, doesn’t it? It’ll clean windows all right, but spray it on and after an hour it out-gasses a substance that will knock out anyone within a forty-foot radius.

Loki: Most impressive. Tell me, Bob, what do you think you can offer my organization?

Bob: Well, I enjoy a challenge, and solving problems with chemistry. If anything–or anyone–is bugging you, I can make it– or them– go away.

Loki: Sounds good. Do you have any questions for me?

Bob: Yeah. Would I be reporting to you directly, or working with Sigyn here? She seems pretty smart. You should let her run things.

Loki: I am in charge.

Bob: Pity.

Loki: Well, it’s been a ‘pleasure’ to meet you. I’ll be making some decisions very soon and I will let you know. Thanks for coming in.

Bob: Thanks for the interview. See you, Sigyn. We should do lunch sometime.

Sigyn: Um.


Aaaand she’s gone. Hmm. That was… interesting. She thinks I didn’t see that colossal eye-roll as she was leaving or hear her muttering something that sounded remarkably like “stupid horns…overcompensating…” Not since I tangled with the Black Widow have I felt so protective of my manhood. Sorry, Roberta, I don’t think you’ll be getting the job.

>|: [

Help Wanted, Part I: The Advertisement

I have come to the conclusion that even all-powerful Norse Gods can use a little help from time to time. Sigyn is a great comfort to me, of course, but she is too sweet to involve in my bloodier designs, and she doesn’t lie well enough to be useful in campaigns of subterfuge and deception. (Truly, I wouldn’t change her if I could. She is the one unsullied bright point in my life.)

I have begun the process, therefore, of recruiting some dastardly and able associates. I’ve drafted a position announcement. Sigyn suggested a few changes, pointing out, correctly, that “henchmen” is a somewhat out-of-date designation. Here is the copy I will send to the internet, paper, and trade journals (Oh, yes. Villains have their very own magazines! Did you doubt it? We’re a very well-informed and organized bunch.)


What do you think?

>|: [