never touch food that’s been rendered plural by a ‘Z’

A New and Unusual Marketing Experience, Part II: Wait… What?

I am well-known for hating to admit that there is anything I do not know, but this emporium stocks many items that have me utterly baffled.

stripdanish

Strip…Danish?  I have heard of the Midgardian game “strip poker.”  Am I to assume that this baked good is to be used in a similar fashion?  Each player is given one, and if they cannot consume it in a specified period of time they have to take off an article of clothing?  That could become very…sticky, quickly.   Still, at $3.29 per player, it’s a cheap evening’s entertainment.

I am at a loss to divine what the items in this bag might be.  Are they made of onion?  Quinoa?  Chia?  What is chia?  Does anyone actually know?

quinowhat

Regardless, those have the look of wizened sausages or something that was…excreted.

I have dwelt on this miserable rock for going on four years, and there are still some things I cannot fathom.   I don’t understand this at all:

jumboshrimp

What is in this frozen package?  Are they butterflies or shrimp?  If shrimp, how can they be both jumbo and shrimp?  The sign says butterfly OR coconut shrimp, but the label says “Coconut breaded jumbo butterfly shrimp,” which would seem to indicate that they are both coconut AND butterfly.  Is such a thing even possible?  In any case, there are too many words here.  When I become ruler of Midgard, I’m going to institute an adjective tax and makers of products like this will be heavily fined.

By Volstagg’s ever-increasing girth!  Here is something I’ve never even heard of:

wyngz

Mama Frigga always used to say, when I was just learning to read, “When in doubt, sound it out.”  W-ing-zuh.  Wingzuh.  Wiiings.  Wings?!  As in chicken wings?  I imagine that, were I stoop so low as to eat a wyng or even a wing, a boneless experience might be more enjoyable.   But that raises the question–are these wyngz/wings from which the naturally-occurring bones have been somehow removed,  or are these wyngz/wings from boneless chickens?

If chicken nuggets are made of chopped and formed chicken, then what is in this package?  And do the paleontologists know that priceless, irreplaceable specimens are being destroyed in this manner?

dinonuggets

My head is starting to hurt.

No. Wait.  NOW it hurts.

friedtwinkie

Someone, somewhere, thought it would be a good idea to take a state fair food and dunk another barely-edible junk foodstuff therein.  And then fry it.  What the heck –let’s just get cotton candy involved too.

The inexplicableness of this whole operation extends beyond the dubious comestibles.  Sigyn, I hate to have to tell you that those “adorable” little pears are meant to be merely decorative.

fakepears

Yes, I know you have hugged teeny pears before, and those were perfectly edible, but trust me, you do not want to make a tart with these.

And what are those green, grassy balls?  I have been around livestock at various points in my life, and these look an awful lot like what one encounters when one is behind the mounted cavalry units in a parade.  Why would anyone want fake horse turds in their home?

Hmmm.  On second thought, perhaps I can use all these items to my own advantage.  I shall secret myself away somewhere where I may clandestinely observe the shoppers as they make their selections.  Anyone who chooses any of this bewildering junk will be summarily executed.  When I come to power, I want as few idiots among the populace as possible.

>|: [

Advertisements