It’s no secret that I adore starting the human female’s morning with a little mischiefy magic. There’s nothing like ruining breakfast to start her day off properly. One time I mangled her morning meal for a whole week running. Today I feel minded to tamper once again.
I believe I will start with cereal roulette. Go ahead, woman. Your boring grainy bits still have a little bit of crunch left in them. I know! You could jazz them up with some raisins. You like raisins. You even have a nice new box. What’s wrong? Something off with the raisins? I mean just because they smell all winey and fermenty is no reason to make a face that’s more unpleasant than your usual one. That’s all right. There are a few not-too-wizened blueberries left. What now? Look, if you’re going to be picky, you’ll just have to eat the cereal plain.
Now, how is the milk? Looks all right, doesn’t it, but how does it smell? Questionable? Maybe that’s just the bottle cap? They get like that sometimes, you know, even when the milk’s still good. What does the expiration date say? August of 2021? Huh. Suppose that’s accurate (in which case, what did they DO to the milk to make it last that long?), or is that a typo? I think you’re just going to have to taste it.
TFTD: Spitting noises are inherently funny
It’s not too hot out yet this year that you couldn’t make some instant oatmeal. Very convenient, just plug in the electric kettle, and three and a half minutes later you’re enjoying a nice, warm bowl of…
Ehehehe! Looks like cereal, hot or cold, is officially off the menu. How about a couple of slices of nice toast?
Sleipnirs fetlocks! Maybe not that slice. Oh, quit whining! There are probably some ones near the other end of the loaf that are perfectly fine.
Tsk, tsk. You’re running a little late now to start making eggs. Say, didn’t the human male buy some strawberries on his last trip to the market? Fresh fruit is always a good way to begin the day. Look at them–bright red and succulent and…
(poke, poke, poke) Frozen solid. Oops! My bad. Apparently, setting the cooling box on “Pleistocene” was not the way to go. I was only trying to make sure the ice cream in the freezer compartment stays solid and unmelty.
Great Frigga’s hairpins! Look at the time! I’m afraid you’ll just have to grab a carton of yogurt and eat it on the run. and see?! Calorie reduction plus exercise! Your pants will fit better in no time if I keep this up.
You can thank me later.