Sigyn needs rescuing

A Treasure Among Treasures

The human female likes vegetables. I don’t mean she likes to eat them–I mean, she does,* but that’s not what I am talking about. She likes to just look at them as well. There are vegetables on the tea towels, vegetables on the pot holders, vegetables everywhere!

She has a large, dust-gathering collection of ceramic vegetable…things. They all live in this big white cabinet she calls The Behemoth. (Rumor has it that it’s an old chemical cabinet that came out of a lab on campus that was being renovated. Supposedly she bribed one of the workmen to take it off the wall in one piece rather than break it up and throw it away. I don’t know if that’s true, but the stoopid thing is about seven feet tall and must weigh nearly as much as she does.)

See? It’s completely full! There are even vegetables hanging from the knobs.

The biggest thing in here is an enormous pumpkin that the human female’s mother made.

The female likes to put the candy in it every October 31st. I’m always tempted to grab a Sharpie and draw a hideous face on it, but the human female has never sat still long enough for me to capture a good likeness.

Her mother also made all of these veggies.

Except for the little pumpkins, which are salt and pepper shakers, these don’t serve any useful purpose whatsoever. But I wonder if I can put the potato in the pantry and watch her try to peel it some evening when she’s trying to cook while tired…

More mother-made things. The carrots are a canister, and the big corn thing is a tureen.

One of the other corns came from an antique shop, but I don’t know which one (and I don’t really care, either.)

More corn, and another pumpkin.

I think an aunt is responsible for the metal pumpkin. It’s a serving bowl that can double as a weapon. I like that in a knick-knack.

I introduce all of these tchotchkes because, Norns save us, the human female has brought home another botanical ceramic…thing.

I’m not entirely sure what it is. My first thought was “onion,” but onions don’t have stems. I don’t think it’s any vegetable I’ve ever seen. My current guess is “fig,” which would be unfortunate, because it would signal an expansion of the horticultural tackiness to include fruits as well as vegetables. I’ve no idea where she’s going to cram this thing in, let alone anything further!

It has a lid, so presumably it’s meant to hold something, but it’s too small for a canister and has no drain holes, so I suspect it will just gather dust.

Ehehehe. My mistake. It’s already full and contains a treasure of inestimable worth.

Yes, love, I *am* surprised. I thought you were over at Muffy’s. How long have you been hiding in there? It’s lunchtime. Are you ready to come out? Can you reach?

Hang in there, sweetie, Loki’s coming!

>|: [

*Except for beets. Beets make her want to puke.

Do-it-yourself Mischief

The humans are still mired in the ongoing home-repairs resulting from last year’s bad weather and subsequent mishaps. The workmen finally came to fix the fallen-in garage ceiling (where something heavy fell through the sheetrock), and while they were there, the humans had them fix the places in the living room where the tape-and-float and plaster work at the top of the front wall had come undone in a Most Unsightly Manner. (The roofers stomping and pounding and dropping things up there didn’t help any, and there were plaster bits missing in several spots.)

The plaster repairs looked awful in progress, but the end result was satisfactory–except for the fact that all the work was nowhere near the color of the walls and stuck out like six sore thumbs. At this point, I suggested to the humans that of course they could do the paintwork themselves, and there was no need to hire someone to do it! After all, they painted the whole house when they moved in, didn’t they?

And thus, we find ourselves today at the Do-It-Yourselfatorium to purchase paint and painting accoutrements. There are so many colors of paint to choose from! Sigyn, of course, thinks we should go with something in this part of the spectrum.

That is lovely, my dear, but have you considered how timeless, how classic a good deep green can be?

The human female is always saying she’d like to live in an English country house. Well, woman, I can’t think of anything that says, “Library in the Manor” more than “Fresh Arugala” or “Soccer Pitch” (Why do paint colors all have such ridiculous names? And why couldn’t they spell “Arugula” correctly? And if it’s an English country house, shouldn’t that color be “Football Pitch”? But I digress.)

If you don’t want dark green, you could opt for something from the Nausea Collection.

Great Frigga’s Corset, the humans are boring! Being being frugal cheap misers, they originally painted the living room in plain, untinted white, thinking that it would make any future repainting easy to match. And here we go–one gallon of plain base white flat interior latex. (I think that needs a few more adjectives.) Now we just need tools and whatnot.

Mind you, I am fairly certain that there are painting tools in the garage at home, but finding them could take years and cost dozens of lives… (The side of the garage the humans had to clear to allow for the ceiling repair got cleaned out and thoroughly sorted and looks great, but all the painting stuff is on the other side, the one that scares even me…)

My sweetie wants to know if we can please get this “cute little mini roller.”

Sure! Put it in the cart. The humans are paying. If it doesn’t get used for the walls, I’m sure it could see duty in the kitchen, applying an even coat of melted butter to toast.

(a bit later) Trim brush, rollers, paint tray, painter’s tape, and one of those spongy little dabber thingies. All set!

Far be it from me, however, to let opportunity slip away. I want to see what other potential mischief supplies are here.

This looks promising.

Pro Tip: Whenever you can’t think of any other crimes to commit, sticking something to something else that it shouldn’t be stuck to is always good mischief. In this case, 200% stronger than regular mischief alone.

I am confused… There is such a thing as paint hardener?

Do mortals actually harden leftover paint before disposal? Do they not just use it up by graffiti-ing rude words and crude naughty drawings on available vertical surfaces (preferably the walls of their oafish brother’s rooms)? Or is that just a “me” thing?

I’ll ask again—are we absolutely certain that there isn’t something that needs sticking to something else? Because they have duct tape in all sorts of non-boring colors. Three guesses who wants what.

All right. I think we may be done here. We have paint, tools, and some good ideas for future mischief. Sigyn, are you ready to leave?

Sigyn? Did anyone see where she went? She was right here a moment ago!

She’s not in Plumbing.

Not in Lumber.

Not even, surprisingly, in the Garden Center.

Not in Appliances.

Ah.

Lighting.

Hang on, sweetie. Loki’s coming.

>|: [

A Visit to the Not-so-wild West, Part I–A Belated Yule

The humans were supposed to travel west to visit the female’s mother for Thank-a-Turkey Day. What with one thing and another, that trip was cancelled at the last minute, so the human female and her family decided to try to meet up after Yule instead.

Sigyn and I have tagged along and here we all are now, in El Paso, where temperatures, while a little warmer than average, at least feel a bit more like winter than our part of Texas has been lately. (We left with Queen Anne’s Lace blooming on the roadsides. Which is crazy!)

We got in last night and the human female’s sister (whom I am predisposed to dislike, since she finds me “mean” and “snarky“) and her husband arrived early this morning. We have observed the ritual exchange of gifts. The human female made necklaces for her female relatives. The sister’s daughter (the human female’s niece) sent along a box of toys for the Terror Twins, as well as a present for the human female. Let’s unwrap it and see what it is.

Great Frigga’s Hairpins! What IS this thing?!

Once again the human race astounds me with the depths to which it will sink. The above is a rubbery cat which will forcefully “barf” a felt hairball when squeezed. The human female is now shooting felt balls all over the parlor and cackling like a lunatic. “Dignity” is just a word to you, isn’t it?

(later)

Someone was finally able to wrest the hairball-shooter away from the human female long enough for more prosaic gifts– such as a sweater and a set of apple-shaped ceramic canisters–to be opened and admired. Thank-yous have been said, naps have been taken, and it is now time for a belated Yule feast.

As soon as we can get Sigyn out of the candle holder we can begin.

Hang on, sweetie. Loki’s coming. (How does she even get into these situations?)

The human female’s mother has outdone herself. We are starting with these snailish-looking appetizers.

(poke, poke, poke) I think the resemblance is only coincidental. As near as I can figure, these contain spinach and red pepper and no actual mollusks. Sigyn just likes them because they are red and green.

Mmmm. Roast pork, mashed potatoes, spiced carrots and parsnips, asparagus, applesauce, and rolls.

And, as usual, there is enough for a gathering twice this size. Sigyn, if the human female doesn’t gluttonize too much, we might get to enjoy mashed potato pancakes for breakfast and delicious roast-pork sandwiches!

This is almost worth being trapped in a car with the humans for thirteen hours…

>|: [

How Is It Spooky Season Again Already?

How is the end of October nearly upon us? How is it All Things Black and Orange time again? Time has no meaning anymore–and the cognitive dissonance is not helped by the fact that the All Hallow’s Eve tat has been out since AUGUST.

I shall speak to my followers from my candy papal balcony

Oh, well. My sweet, let’s see what’s on offer. Perhaps there is something amusing. Or something really hideous I can buy for the human female.

I don’t know…. Does this count as amusing?

It certainly counts as unnecessary.

We could buy some questionable wall decor.

It would certainly be appropriate, given the human female’s approach to housework. Or we could remind ourselves–as if we could forget–just what part of Midgard we live in.

Ugh. No. Because if it goes up in the house I will have to see it, too.

Uh, oh! The shelf-tidying person is headed our way. Quick, Sigyn! Act like you are really interested in something while I pretend not to be plotting mischief.

Ah, yes. Cucurbitaceous salt and pepper shakers. Good choice.

Oh, even better!

They’re certainly ticking the “hideous” box! Let’s buy them as a gift! The human female will have to display them prominently so as not to hurt our feelings, and they’re sure to clash with everything. And I think they’re meant to be tea-light holders, so there’s always the chance she could singe her fingers lighting them up. Bonus!

Or, no, wait! THESE.

All hail, the evil Toad King and his Lovely Bride!

Or is this fellow better. I mean, worse?

Hey, little guy! What’s your name?

Actually, I think he’s kind of cute, and he just makes me miss Jormungandr…

This or the big rubber spider behind me would be good, but unfortunately the human female is not afraid of members of the Chelicerata.

Sigyn, are you having any better luck over there?

Sweetie, I think you’re missing the point of this exercise. This lantern is almost attractive.

And, light of my life, please take care you do not become trapped in there. (You know it’s not just possible, but actually very likely, given your track record…)

Hmm. Not hideous. Maybe amusing?

If we get invited to an All Hallows parade, it will be just the thing. You could ride along and throw candy to younglings. (Keeping, of course, all the best dark chocolates for me.)

Say, isn’t there usually a plethora of anatomically incorrect skeletons —?

Unhand her, you ossified miscreant! If I find even one little perforation on my beloved, I will scatter you across multiple hectares of barren ground and then set the pieces alight.

Are you all right, my love?

Sigh. Apparently all right enough to get into more trouble!

(Smite, smite, smite.) Rescued again!

Do you know, Petal, I think we should abandon my plan to find something awful for the human female, cut our losses, and just go home. You’re all covered with alligator bone dust and rabid rat spit, and it’s going to take all afternoon to decontaminate you and make you tidy again. The human female will just have to be hideous enough on her own.

>|: [

Making Do in a Comparably-Sized City to the South

The humans’ favorite international market closed down recently. The human male was saddened, because that’s where he purchased his favorite ginger beer. The human female was saddened because that’s where she liked to get the German candy for her family for Yule. The schadenfreudy part of me was happy at their sadness, but Sigyn was saddened because she likes to go and poke about and try on jewelry and meet new friends, so I was a little disappointed as well. I don’t like it when Sigyn isn’t happy!

However! As luck would have it, it was only the local branch that closed. There are others alive and well, so today we have all jumped into the car to visit the Comparably-Sized City to the South, a place we have not greatly explored before, where there is one we can all enjoy. (We have other errands, but this is the only one I care about…)

And here we are! Sigyn, predictably, has made a bee-line for the first individuals she doesn’t know, because Making New Friends is the best thing ever.

Sigyn really likes their colorful skirts! Shall I buy you one, dearest? Only don’t ask me for a one of those huge pom-pom hats. I think it would overbalance you right onto your sweet little face.

I don’t know who this orange fellow is, but I bet he and Sigyn will get along swimmingly.

Now we’re looking at comestibles. The human male has found his ginger beer, and some of the cookies the human female likes have mysteriously leapt into the cart as well.

Sigyn thinks we should get these because they remind her of her friend Muffy.

Ugh. Friends don’t let friends eat rice cakes.

Let’s buy these!

The human female despises licorice, and I once heard her say that salted licorice was one of the worst things she ever put in her mouth. So, yes, let’s buy some! I want to see her loathing of stuff at war with her pathological hatred of wasting food.

The human male says these must be for me.

Bah! Very funny, mortal. Very funny.

I know where you sleep.

Sigyn has wandered into the housewares section of the store.

I agree–that is a very pretty plate. It doesn’t “go” with a thing in the house, but if you like it, I will buy it for you and it can have pride of place on whatever wall you choose. (We could do with fewer of the human female’s knick-knacks about the place, anyway!)

Oh, now what’s caught my beloved’s eye? Colored pencils? Those are always a draw (pun intended) and–

Sigh. I thought we were past the whole glassware thing? Hang on, sweetie. Loki’s coming.

>|: [

An Uncountable Multitude of Tiny Shinies (In Which Sigyn Demonstrates Some of Her Many Skills)

I hear that the human female has received a box today and that it is in room 313.  Let us explore, beloved (and see if any mischief can be made.)

Inside the box there was a bag, and inside this bag there appear to be a number of smaller bags…  Whatever it is, it’s not getting loose in a hurry.

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Great Frigga’s Corset!  The contents of the bags appear consist entirely of tiny beads! Has the human female finally found a way to make the University pay for one of her hobbies?

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I can’t imagine a biological use for them, unless she’s going to make the gravel in the bottoms of the fish tanks a wee bit more colorful.

Ah.  Sigyn has reminded me that “The lab exercise uses the beads to simulate organisms, with the white “animals” being homozygous recessive for some trait, the black ones homozygous dominant, and the red being heterozygous.  The students scatter them into various colored rugs and then do “natural selection” by picking beads (predation) at random out with a pair of tweezers.  The survivors, unplucked, go on to form the next generation.  This is done for several generations, and the students do the math about changes in allele frequencies, using the Hardy-Weinberg equations.”

Sigyn!  When did you become so familiar with Population Genetics?!  I am impressed, to say the least!

Oh, Sigyn says she doesn’t know what all of that means, she just remembers hearing the human female say it, because the words are “silly and fun to repeat.”  Sad to say, that sounds more like my sweetie.  She is clever in her own right, but she is in no way the next Darwin…

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Yes, this is much more her style.  Beloved, if you wish to make bead angels, you will need to take them out of the bag.

I find myself rather vexed.  Sigyn has her red beads to roll around in, but there is nary green bead to be seen.

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Perhaps if I look through the catalog, I can find some to order.  With the Department’s money, of course.  (I’m not stupid!) In the meantime, I do like black.

(A bit later.) The human female has demonstrated her one brain cell.  Each color of beads needs to be divided into six equal portions, one for each lab room, plus a spare.  Acknowledging her pathetic lack of skill in counting that high, she concluded that it was easiest to weigh the bags, then divide the contents by weight and put equal milligrammage into each of six jars.  This she has done.  The jars of white beads and black beads are all tidily apportioned.

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But I suspect the weight of one of the red jars is going to be a little off…

Sigh.  Hang on, Sigyn, let me get you out before you smother…

>|: [

A New Yule Tradition–Day Three: In Which Sigyn Runs Into the Usual Trouble

I am SO glad we decided to go on vacation this year.  It is six kinds of restful, this being away from the humans and the felines!  We are enjoying our cozy camper (last night I magicked up a ball pit and Sigyn had the best time, swimming around and giggling.)

Still, it wouldn’t be Yule if my beloved didn’t get a dose of glass somewhere, so today we have arranged to tour a glass factory.  I’m not quite sure what sort of glass objects they make.  Sigyn is hoping it’s glass paperweights, since those are her favorites.  I just hope it is not something yawn-inducing, like peteri dishes or those razor-edged rectangles of death that come in dollar store picture frames.

Great Frigga’s corset!  This bodes ill.  This is a candleholder factory, and Sigyn has a bad, bad record with these…

Well, this is not too bad.

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Ehehehe.  Peekaboo, indeed.  You cutie, you.

Uh, oh.  I knew it.

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Sigyn, my love, come out of there!  I’m sure the nice factory workers would really rather you not put nose smudgies on their wares.

Even if it is a very cute nose.

Aaargh!  Right from one predicament to another.

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I swear to Gungnir, I turn my back for one minute…

This hangy-dangle globe is going to take more than a little work to get you out of.  I’ve got to figure out what needs to happen first.  Does the globe lift off or twist?  Is there a way out of the bottom, or have we got to get you out of the top?  And how did you get in there in the first place?

Hang on, sweetie.  Loki’s coming.

>|: [

 

A Bag O’ Swag, Part II: A Whole Lotta Adventure in One Little Bag

Sigyn and I are still working through the bag of SWAG (Sure, We Are Greedy).  We haven’t found anything edible yet, but I’m still hopeful.

Looks like we have some centrifuge tubes.  I approve of the cap color.  There are some 15 mool…

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… and some of the bigger 50 mool kind.

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We’re nearing the bottom of the bag, and still no munchables.

Great Frigga’s corset!  There’s a monster in my bag!

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But he’s the friendly, puffy sticker sort, so it’s all good.

Aha!  This looks promising!

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Ack!  No!  Sigyn, don’t worry about what fetal bovine serum is.  Just read the other part of the label.

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The part where it says these are actually m&ms.  Score!

This is turning out to be a very good bag o’swag after all.  And the best part about it is that there has been no glassware samples that Sigyn can get trapped in!  I feel we’ve really “dodged a bullet” on that one, as the human expression goes.

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Or maybe not.

Sigh. Hang on, sweetie, Loki’s coming.

>|: [

Les Tubas, Ils Sont Arrivés

The human female was finally able to order her snorkels.   I made it a little hard for her, because she finally found some affordable ones at Rampartmart.  She had to order them online, because the local bricks-and-mortar store didn’t have as many as she wanted to buy.  I mean, who buys THIRTY snorkels all at once?

Now the human female and her Prep Staff have a tax-free card to use when they shop at the local Rampartmart, but of course they could not be allowed to use that number online.  Oh, no, no!  The human female had to set up an account and choose a password and send them a copy of the Department’s State of Taxes tax-free status before they’d even let her buy them.

They just arrived.  Sigyn, let’s see what we’ve got.

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They’re green!  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t green.  I approve.

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There are a lot of them— a whole mountain for Sigyn to climb, but I don’t think there are thirty here.

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Eleven, twelve, thirteen…. Nope. Not thirty!  Looks like the internet is no better than bricks and mortar.  The human female is hoping that when she finds the packing slip it says that more are coming from somewhere else.

Sigyn has never used a snorkel.  It’s easy, my love.  One end goes in your mouth and the other sticks up above the water into the air.

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This is not how I imagined this would go…

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(later)  A lot of huffing and puffing and a little dab of Vaseline and some steady traction, and I finally have my sweetie back.

Oh, now you want to try on the included goggles?  Didn’t I just rescue you?  Be careful with these! They’re not like lab goggles.  These are for diving and the nose bit is covered. They’re kiddie sized, and if they fit tightly, you’re not going to be able to breathe.

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Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s going to be a problem…

>|: [

Revenge of the Flora, Part 9

“Hey, Cap!  Heard you over the comms.  Need some help?”

“Sure thing, Widow.  I’ve got giant fruit bears over here and who knows what they’re capable of.”

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“Rocket!  Good job taking that rose-headed bear down!  Can you rescue Sigyn?”

“On it, Cap!”

“Cap–where do you want me?  I’m feeling a real need to wipe some smirks off some vegetation over here.”

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“Keep the daisies busy, Hawkeye, or see if you can get a handle on that giant peach.”

“You got it.  Man, stone fruit just should not be that big.”

“All right!   Time to make some masa out of this corn guy!”

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“And, um, Widow, did you do something new with your hair?”

“Yeah.  Not sure I’m going to keep it, though.”

“Looks good.”

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“We can swap beauty secrets later, Cap.  Right now I think I’ll whip up a little fruit salad. Хорошо, идиоты, кто из вас хочет умереть первым?”

(to be continued…)