there needs to be a category more dire than “Naughty Loki”

P.S.–In Today’s Mail

A BILL from Insurance Carrier Number Two that is for TWO months and is marked PAST DUE.

She can’t win, she can’t quit the game, and the rules keep changing…

Ehehehehehehe!

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I Shall Call Her The ‘Jotunheim’

Oh, you absolute beauty.

Look what I found in an unused corner of the Honda dealership when we went to retrieve the human male’s mended car!

A most glorious craft!

I tell you, this vessel was made for me.

The helm answers to the slightest touch. She’s sleek and no doubt very fast. And well-armed!

That is a very nice gun. But the 50-caliber in the stern?

I want to whisper sweet nothings in its ear…

From the deck of the Jotunheim I shall conquer the seas of this realm!

Hear me, Midgard, and tremble!

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Loki, NO!

This is a post about how very, very MEAN the humans are. While I’m “under their roof” (i.e., while my grand palace is in the planning stages), I’m supposed to “abide by their rules.”

Stoopid rules. “No Limburger in the fridge.” “No napalm in the living room.” “Forging checks to pay for weapons is prohibited.” “No selling the furniture on Craigslist while the humans are out.” “Razors and cats do not mix.” And on and on and on.

The human female is the worst. She’s SO unreasonable! You’d think, being a “scientist” and supposedly into things like “research” and the “quest for knowledge,” she’d be all for it, but just today, she told me I can’t have one of these:

It’s so unfair.

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I’m Sure This is a Metaphor, Part V: Now We’re Getting to the Fun Stuff!

Paper clips? Boring. Tape? Super boring. Random tools? Boring2. Twist-ties? Infinitely boring. Scissors? Slightly more interesting…

Isn’t there anything entertaining in this stoopid drawer? I mean, look at this! What even is this, some sort of weird shoe-horn? Pathetic.

(snick) Oh…!

There’s a blade hiding in there! You have my attention.

Great Frigga’s hairpins! The humans have been holding out on me. They have one of these, too!

Pointy, pointy! Now, are there any replacement blades for—-

Sweet! Come to Loki!

This makes me wonder what else might be lurking in here.

(dig, dig, dig)

A little jar of razor blades and a disposable lighter.

I don’t know why I haven’t had a good rummage in this drawer before now. I’ve been missing out on a lot of really useful items!

Like MATCHES!

And MORE MATCHES!!! (That green box in front is from a restaurant that went out of business at least twenty years ago, if that tells you anything about the humans’ hoarding habits!)

So, to recap, we have three kinds of dangerous cutting tool* plus replacement blades, as well as two separate ways to start fires. This drawer is showing a lot of potential.

What else is in here? Ah. Right. If you have the above, you should also have these:

I sense there will be some mischief of a very specific nature in the humans’ future…

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*Four, if you count all the scissors…

Another Government Document

The Midgardians have been all caught up in the news of some sort of government report that has recently reached the attention of the media.  Something about someone doing something to someone, blah, blah, blah, don’t bore me with mortal politics, blah.

I can’t worry about all that. There’s been a government document causing a tizzy a little closer to home.

fbi report

Don’t read it!  It’s lies, I tell you!  All lies!

fbi report2

What do you mean, “For the love of Pete, what in the Nine Realms are you planning?!”

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