thor is a poophead

What They’ve All Been Up To, Part V: They’ll Let Just Anyone In Here

I’ve managed to check up on most of the local citizenry, but a few are conspicuously missing. Where are Black Widow, Captain Marvel, Pepper Potts, and the other members of the X Chromosome League?

Ah. Found them. All I had to do was follow the giggling.

Apparently it’s Hair-do Club Day and I didn’t get the memo. The topic for this week’s meeting is The Long Bob and the Faces It Flatters. Darcy looks unsure about chopping off her long mane.

Wait—I was momentarily blinded by the glare from the screen.

“Thor, is that you?”

“Indeed, brother! These fair ladies have been offering most sage advice on how best to tame my flowing locks.”

‘Flowing locks’? Give me a break.”

“Hey, can anyone get in on this?”

Gunnehilde! I was NOT expecting to run into my bearded sister-in-law today, and especially not here! It would appear that the five-o-clock shadow spell I cast upon her on the first day of April going on seven years ago has lost none of its efficacy. Is she not a sight to behold?

Ehehehehehe! As I said, it suits her. Sometimes I do not know my own strength. Ehehehehehe! Ack! I forget sometimes she knows what to do with that sword! Time to make a strategic retreat.

Ah. Late winter sunshine and the narcissus are blooming.

And I found Groot! I think he likes the sunshine, too.

Now, where did Sigyn go?

>|: [

All Right, Let’s Try This Catalog

It took a cup or two of cocoa and some serious cuddling to get Sigyn past her disappointment over not being able to order a snow leopard from the WWF catalog we looked at yesterday, so today we are looking at a more traditional catalog.

It’s the Bullseye Dog one. Sigyn likes it because anything that is not actual text or photo is bright RED.

Norns’ nighties! That beast has developed quite the case of hydrocephalus. He should have that checked out. Maybe they can put in a shunt or something.

This…thing… is apparently the hottest toy of the season.

While I applaud its taste in pendants, I hope Sigyn doesn’t insist on this. I think one childish, green entity in the household is enough.

This looks more promising.

I see my erstwhile half-sister (the one we don’t talk about) is included. I might have to buy this just to see if I feature.

Sigyn thinks the three-eyed aliens are “cute.”

Um, Dear, don’t you recall how sleazy the last three-eyed green monster we met was? Yeah, I don’t think you want to chance it.

Ooooooh! A blaster!

Looks like it shoots soft things, but still perfect for harassing the cats!

Ugh! Avengers, everywhere you look.

At least my stoopid brother Thor isn’t with them. But that bulky green fellow is here. Hmm. This one of him is inflatable. I could pop him with Gungnir and it would be most satisfying. Dog-ear the corner of this page, Sigyn. I might want to get one…

Ah–this is better.

“Wrath of Loki” I like the sound of that! Hmm. Maybe I *do* see the point of Legos after all.

I’m finding all sorts of things I like in this catalog. But we still need to find something for Sigyn.

Plush! Plush is usually a good choice. These are a little too “cutesy” for me, but if that’s what you want, I won’t gainsay you.

May I suggest the pastel rainbow winged pig-cow hybrid? It is completely ridiculous, but if you tired of it I wouldn’t mind punting it around the yard.

Of course, that’s true of nearly anything.

>|: [

I Hate Yule Shopping

It will come as no surprise to long-time readers that I loathe, despise, detest, and abominate crowds of Yule shoppers. I don’t like humans as a rule, and I like them even less when they’re pushy, cranky, tired, grabby, and not wearing masks properly. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t care about catching a disease–I’m immune and Sigyn is under magical protection—but I really like the local ordinances that mandate that the mortals have half their miserable faces covered up so I don’t have to look at them.

Hence, I am all for shopping online, and I especially like it when the human male and female do it. True, it means I have to see them when they’re decked out in their Comfy Pants and barely groomed, but it means they don’t take Sigyn with them and I don’t have to leave the house to protect her and and rub shoulders with Midgardians, either.

Auugh! By Jormundandr’s pointy baby teeth! Now not even shopping at home is safe! Just look at YoungHuevos‘s special Intel processor offer!

Does everything have to be Avengers’ themed? And if so, does Thor’s stupid face have to be right on the front of the box?

I can’t be the only person sick of seeing his bulbous biceps and lightning-wrapped instrument of bludgeoning.

Ugh, humans, can’t we go look at a different website? Something nice and lovely and cheerful and tasteful, like, oh, I don’t know—hernia trusses or colorfully mutant My Little Pony plushies?

My Little Pony Hugs and Fun Pillow, 1 Each - Walmart.com - Walmart.com

(Seriously, is no one concerned about this terrible case of equine brachycephaly?!)

Ugh. I have lost the little faith I had in humanity. I am, as they say, out of here. If anyone wants me, I will be napping off a shopper’s migraine.

>|: [

Really Feeling the Spirit Now

It’s no secret that the festivities surrounding the upcoming celebration of All Hallows are going to be somewhat diminished this year. No trick-or-treaters, for the first time in living memory. You know what that means, don’t you?

More candy for me! The humans have a bag stashed away, and I know where it is. It would be kind of me to eat most of it. The male’s teeth don’t need the sugar and the female’s waist doesn’t need any part of a pound of Starburst.

Still, it never hurts to get a little more in the mood, so here we all are at the Mostly Red Market. Ostensibly, we are here to purchase some new non-stick frying pans, since someone (innocent whistling) in the house insisted on using the old ones on high heat, which absolutely ruined the non-stickiness. Sigyn, let us let the humans wander off to peruse the cookery vessels while you and I enjoy the more festive merchandise.

This establishment appears to be much in favor of fall decor. Sigyn is captivated by these ersatz apples that glow like precious gems.

Maybe we should by a bag. I believe the human female has not tasted this variety yet.

Look! Fake gourds to go with the fake apples!

Depending on how they are weighted, some of those might make interesting juggling props. Probably less messy than real pepos if you happen to drop one, too.

And here we have some seasonal literature.

Pffft! Those two Things aren’t that scary. You want something truly horrific, you take a look at the human female when she first wakes up, sometime. Now THAT is enough to frighten anyone!

Hmm. I guess not everything for sale here today is fall- or All Hallows-themed.

Unless there’s something inherently sinister about llamas or drinkware that I don’t know about… Exercise caution, my precious. I know you want to give it a hug, but llamas have quite a spitting range and I believe you are standing within it.

Oh, for the love of Jormungandr’s shiny little scales! Can I go nowhere without being reminded of my oafish “sibling”?!

I can only pray that one of the “activities” included in this book is smacking his stupid face. That would definitely put me in a holiday mood!

>|: [

I Must Have This

It has not been published yet, but I must have this when it appears!

Let’s take a closer look at that magnificent cover:

Not the most flattering depiction of me, I will admit, but look! Thor is smaller than me and obviously can’t keep up!

Truly, a most MARVELous tome! 2021, come quickly!

>|: [

Fun and Games with Fun and Games

Thor, my oafish brother, may command lightning and all that, but I myself am no slouch when it comes to electricityEspecially when it involves getting the human female’s electronic gizmos  to disgrace themselves without warning when the chips are down.

Tonight, the humans are playing games with some of their friends from various Big Cities to the north and south. They’ve found a website that lets one of the group who has bought a copy of one of their game bundles log in, choose a game, and then send a code to everyone else so that they can go to the website and join the same game.

It’s a neat concept.  With the whole group in on a video meeting as well, it is much like a party.  A weird camera-angle, lounge-in-your pajamas, eat-snacks, drink-wine, and contend-with-random-appearances-by-small-semi-naked-people sort of party.

It worked perfectly last week.  I even sat in on a round.  The object of that particular game was making snarky comments for other people to upvote, and I was the very clear winner.  No one outsnarks me. 

That was last week.  Tonight, just to thwart the human female and render her even more socially inept when it comes to gaming, I have had a word with her tablet.

jackbox2

Ehehehehe!  That is a whole lot of diddly-squat!  Obviously, it does not like you.

Maybe you need to update your browser.

jackbox1

Maybe you need to remember your password.

Oh, you typed it in exactly as you wrote it down, ages ago?

Maybe you need to update your operating system.  But right in the middle of a party is not exactly when the human male feels like doing tech support.

Guess you get to sit and watch.

I suppose you can sit in the corner and play solitaire on your phone.

Oh.

disabled phone

Ehehehe!   Until recently, the human female had a repeated number in the code that unlocks her phone.  I made it so that unless she hit those two sixes at precisely the right interval it would take only one of them, and then when she hit it again, it would act as if she waited too long and error out.  And, of course, I had saw to it that the open-with-a-thumbprint quit working about two days after she set that up, so that wasn’t an option either.

The other day she finally decided she’d had enough and changed her PIN.  About half the time, she forgets and tries the old one, so she’s really no better off.  She also reprogrammed her thumbprint-ID.  There’s no denying that’s convenient.  It’s amazing how sensitive that little app is!

So sensitive, in fact, that it can read a partial print when she picks up her phone just so and decide that she’s an impostor trying to gain access.  And what does it do to impostors?  It locks them out!

Tsk, tsk.  I think there’s a deck of cards in the end table…

>|: [

 

 

I Think I Still Prefer a Sword (And I Could Use One About Now)

I…I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I find myself wedged into the automobile with Sigyn, the humans and one of their more voluble friends. We are, apparently, en route to the annual fountain pen show in the big city to the north. This means I can look forward to three and a half hours of discussion in transit of the merits and/or failings of different brands of pens, paper, inks, and whatnottery.  As if I cared.

Still, Sigyn likes looking at all the pretty colors of inks, and I will admit that I do like to keep abreast of the newest in pens and inks, if only so I can have a better chance of putting together a combination that is going to get the human female smeary to the elbows and swearing like Niffelheim fishwife.  So I’m not discontent to be going, just ready to be out of this vehicle.

Ah!  And here we are, in the busy, bustling show room.  I can scarce credit that there are so many persons infected with Pen Pox in the state.  Still, when you consider that the human male has probably infected a dozen victims himself, I suppose it stands to reason.

Sigyn is captivated by a tray of antique pens.

snorkel

Is it the muted colors of celluloid which beckon, my love?  Or are you merely enamored of the word “snorkel.”

Here is a matching pen and pencil set.  I think I know why Sigyn likes this one.

sheaffer

Fandrals Mustache!  Look at the prices!  The pen sold for $18.50 back in its prime.  It is now priced at $360.00, a nearly twenty-fold increase.  Clearly, I need to invent a time machine so I can travel back, buy up a bunch of cheap pens, bring them forward, and make a bundle selling them to suckers discerning customers.

Great Frigga’s Corset! What is he doing here?

thorstatue1

Can I go nowhere without running into my oafish brother?!  And what is he doing at a pen show? The idiot can barely write his own name with one of those monstrously fat pencils they let infants use.

Augh!  He is accompanied by another fearsome warrior, one who looks to be from the same realm as Hogun.

thorstatue2

Stand down, you fools!  I mean you no harm, but if it’s a fight you seek, I am only too willing to oblige!

>|: [

It’s All Sorts of Untrustworthy Up In Here

Sigyn and I have accompanied the mortals on their weekly grocery run.  While they peruse the canned goods and debate the merits of one brand of toothpaste over another, my beloved and I are free to look around at the things that are not groceries.

Sigyn is quite charmed by these succulents in the home goods aisle. Succulents are all the rage these days.

kroger-cacti

Yes, my love, they are quite pretty.  And colorful, too, yes.  And most assuredly easy to care for.  Oh, you think we should get some, as the Terror Twins might be less likely to gnaw on these than on the other houseplants?  I suspect you are correct.  Because they are plastic.

Speaking of felines…  There is a portly, overly-cheerful one and its equally smiley kin in the new little tea cafe near the front of the store.

kroger-cat

I rarely trust cats, and I can tell this crew is up to something.  No one smiles this much unless they are Up To Something.  I should know.

(Hey, Sigyn, how is a beckoning lucky cat statue like a flat, round, tasteless candy?  They’re both Neko-wavers!  Ba-dum tsss!)

The little cafe has some interesting wall art, too.  There are some flowers, and there is a pagoda and …

Sweet Glittering Bifrost!

kroger-thor

Can’t I go anywhere without running into depictions of my stupid, oafish “brother”?  Even when it doesn’t really have his big, dumb face, it’s still his big, dumb face.

My day is spoilt.  Let’s go home.

>|: [

Beware! The Human Female is About to be Handy! The Outcome

You may recall that the human female was going to cut a bunch of pegs with a band saw attempt to build some racks to hold petri plates at a slant.  I was keeping book, and the odds were 4 to 1 against her finishing the project with all of her phalanges attached.

I lost money on that one, drat her.  (Do you see why I persist in trying to make her life a living Hel?  I’m just returning the favor.)

She has completed cutting all the pegs and assembling all of the racks.

arabidopsis racks2

The assembly was accomplished with much whacking, as the pegs are an exact fit for the holes drilled by her accomplice.  I nudged her a bit, hoping that hammer would meet thumb with hilarious results, but apparently someone has been sucking up to Thor, because, aside from a liberal coating of glue, she has emerged unscathed.

There are a LOT of racks!

arabidopsisracks

They have been helpfully labeled, one for each lab section.  All that whacking, and no mashed digits!  I really do feel cheated!

Oh, well.  When the course has approximately DOUBLE the enrollment in the fall, she and her minions are going to have to build about forty-five more racks, so I will have further opportunities to alter the shape of her hands.

The students are going to be working with a plant called Arabidopsis thaliana, which has the advantages of growing from seed to flowering very quickly, being very small, and producing what Midgardians scientifically term a “metric butt-load” of itty, bitty seeds.

This is the seed from thirty-six plants.

arabidopsis seed1

Each brown dot is a seed, so there are approximately eleventy billion in this tube.  The human female harvested each one with her own still-ten-fingered hands, sifting out the chaff as she did so.  It has taken her most of the afternoon.  It was the sort of repetitive, mindless work to which her feeble intellect is most suited.

Now we are ready for the really fun part.  In order for all of the seeds to sprout at the same time, they have to have a four-day moist nap in the fridge.  Once they come out, the human female and one of her minions are going to have to try to put more-or-less twenty seeds in each of these little tubes.

arabidopsis seed2

Labeling the tubes was its own kind of tedium.  Aliquotting the seeds is going to be even more time-consuming.  (Keeps her off the streets.)  She’s thinking that if she mixes the seeds with a quantity of sterile water, she can swirl the tube and draw off a small amount of seed and water from the vortex and dispense it neatly into a tube.

Hmmm.  Human female plus micropipettor plus counting.  Yeah, that’s going to go well.  I will keep you posted.

>|: [

I Had A Visit From My Brother, And It Sucked

I have asked Thor to meet me here today in one of the human female’s prep rooms.  I told him I have something fun to show him.

Here he is now.

vacpump1

“Hail, brother!  It is too long since last we met.  It does my heart full well that you ask for my company!  You are looking well!”

“Uh, yeah.  You too.  Come look at this instrument the humans borrowed.  It has dials and pipes and a fan and all sorts of other bits.”

vacpump2

“Verily, that is a stupendous machine!  My Lady Jane has many devices, but not one of this ilk.  How is it called, and what it its purpose?”

“It’s a vacuum pump.  They are using it to vacuum-filter a large volume of reagent.”

“That is most marvelous.  How does it operate?”

“I’ll show you.  This is where the receiving flask is hooked up.  See?”

vacpump3

“Hmm.”

“No, look more closely.”

“Aye, Brother.”

vacpump4

vacpump5

“See, Thor?  Just like that.”

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