tree of life

I…I’m in the News! (But I’m Not Thrilled About It)

Human scientists, who like to put things in neat little boxes despite the deep, flawed weirdness that is Midgardian life, have recently come up with a new “tree of life,” showing the relationships between all living things on this rock.

Predictably, most of the organisms are microbes.  It’s a planet of microbes!  Is it any wonder I saw it as ripe for the plucking?

Wait a minute!  Look!  Look there–down near the bottom, just to the left of the green fan-shape that is all the Eukaryotes (organisms whose cells have nuclei.)  See that one little branch?  “Loki and Thor.”  What?  I don’t remember being asked to contribute a sample to this study!  How did they get my DNA?!  And why am I wedged in between two groups of unicelluar…things that can’t speak, think, or appreciate the subtle differences among shades of sarcasm between various forms of torture?  Now, Thor! Sure, I can understand that–he’s about as complex as wallpaper paste, but me?

I’m appalled!

I’m outraged!

I’m insulted!

I’m…suddenly recalling where they might have come across a bit of my magnificent DNA


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