usually smashes parcels significantly/

Surprise! Not.


The human male, feeling sad that the human female received a subpar Lamborghini instead of what he originally intended, went online to the Large River and ordered the toy set.

It’s in transit.  She should have it by now.  Let’s check the tracking, shall we?

where is nick fury

Ehehehehehe!  Woman, I’m involved.  You might as well give up hope now.

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I Sense A Theme Here

Earlier this week, I spoke of Yule parcels which met with misadventure en route and did not arrive.  However, one package, sent by the human female’s up-north Auntie, has managed to arrive.  Come, my love, let us examine this parcel!


This Auntie often sends baked goods.  Mmmm…  The human female says we may open it and see if anything needs refrigeration.


What do you think, Sigyn?  Fudge?  Fruitcake?  Maple syrup or candy???  The best time is the minute before you actually look, because then it could be anything.


I see glass!    But what is that shifting, tinkling sound?


Sleipnir’s fetlocks!  This does not bode well at all.


Norns’ nighties!  Was Thor here doing Mjolnir practice?  Or was the horrible Hulk on the premises?  I have seldom seen anything so comprehensively smashed!  I asked Usually Smashes Parcels Significantly to bang up the box a bit, just to frighten the mortals, but they can’t even do wrong right and have delivered a pristine box with a catastrophe inside.


Mortal, be sure to remember to write a thank-you note for this thoughtful gift.  Here, I will dictate:

“Dear Auntie,

“Thank you for the amusing jigsaw puzzle.”

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Holiday Secrets and Mysteries

It’s very near Yule, and yuletide secrets abound!  What is everyone buying for me? What did the human male buy for the human female this year?  What did the human female get the human male?

Whatever it is…it seems to have gone astray.

where's David's book

Ehehehe!  She ordered four things.  Three of them were sent to a pickup hub rather than the house and arrived just fine last week.  The fourth, not so much.  Between the Large River in South America and Unrepentant Package Squashers, that thing is well and truly lost.  The online tracking is still showing the above.  The latest email the human female has received says, effectively, “Well, this is a tad embarrassing.  We’ll see if we can’t hunt down the package that traveled hundreds of miles and made it all the way to your home city and was out on the truck for delivery—and then vanished.”

She tried calling the Large River, and they said, “Sorry.  Our system shows it could still arrive.  If it hasn’t shown up by the 18th, then we’ll talk.”  How long do you think I can string this out?  New Years?

Another mystery:  Why didn’t they send all four items in one box on the same day instead of two boxes one day apart?  The better to serve you!

That’s not the only parcel that was wandering around out there with the human female’s name on it.  Behold the masterpiece that was the tracking for the gift ordered for the human male’s mother:

Mom’s sweater1

When Fex-Ex hands off to Usually Smashes Parcels Significantly, the results are delicious.

I updated that before it finally did show up:

Mom’s sweater

Three words for you, mortals:  Bricks and mortar.

Will anything arrive in time?  I’m not telling!

>|: [


Mail has been rather sporadic lately.  Sometimes I just tell the carrier they can take a day off.  No one really needs their mail-order medicines or the latest quilt fabric catalog, do they?

The other day, though, I arranged for something a little more dramatic.

squashed po

Usually Smashes Parcels Significantly swears that the collapse of a sorting facility in the Big City to the South “won’t affect mail deliveries at all.”

If you believe that, I’ve some lovely acreage in Muspelheim you might be interested in.

Still, perhaps they are telling the truth (for once), because this managed to arrive for the human female:

jury summons

Isn’t that hilarious?!  Sometimes I make myself laugh!  Remember, mortal, it’s a legal document!  You have to report exactly where–and when!–they say, or you’ll be in big, expensive trouble!

And I know what you’re thinking.  If you show up in your pajamas and slippers, they’ll fine you two hundred dollars!

Ehehehehe!  Let’s see you wriggle out of this one.

>|: [

Hobby Hijinks, Part I: Messing with the Mail

Everybody ought to have a hobby.  Sigyn collects glass paperweights and keeps trying to learn to knit.

My hobby is meddling with the human female’s hobbies.

For instance, she and the human male love to travel.  They spend hours, sometimes, planning trips they may never take.  Do that often enough online, express even one iota of interest in a tour company’s offerings, and you’re on their mailing list forever.  I’ve seen to it that the humans are inundated daily with email and web-based ads for cruises, tours, and flights.  (My best work is that one offer that promises $400 airfare to London.  It sounds fantastic, but you only get that price if you fly through Istanbul and take a 24-hour layover.  Ehehehehe.)

Sometimes I have snail mail show up at the house, too.   Thanks to some careful rerouting, this brochure, however, looks as if it has tangled with something a bit more vicious than a snail.

Wolverine, maybe.

Behold the cover!


That is a first-class dog-ear, right there!  Someone took pains with that.

There has also been a “helpful” application of tape to the poor, shredded cover.


More down here on the bottom.


By the Bifrost!  Look at these interior pages!


Tsk, tsk, tsk.  (Ehehehehehe)


The back cover has fared no better.  Though the actual cruise line is probably more careful than our ham-handed postal person–and the ships are no doubt more sturdy than this sad catalog– this whole shreddy mess has rather tainted the idea of a European river cruise.

Into the recycle barrel it goes!

Along with the human female’s dreams of cruising down the Danube…

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In Which Infiltrate Another Branch of the United States Government

It’s been strongly suspected by many for a while that I have a hand in the running of the Infernal Revenue Service.  (I’ve been slowly and steadily siphoning funds for my takeover of the realm.)  Now I am ready to announce openly that I have taken control of Usually Smashes Parcel Significantly .

And the mail-sorting equipment is functioning juuuuust the way I want…

mangled mail

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What If You Gave a Wood-Destroying Insect Party And Nobody Came?

Ehehehehe!  I know I said I’d be moving on to other projects, but I haven’t wrung all the mischief out of Harvey yet.   (I know it’s a disaster of Ragnarokian proportions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t amuse myself at the human female’s expense.)

Monday was supposed to be the first day of the semester, but the University closed for two days–days on which it did not actually rain.  So now, it is midweek of the first week and everyone is behind and things are confused and everyone wants things done YESTERDAY.

Even though the U. was closed on Monday, the human female came up and put in several hours of work because her sole Tech II is out this week.  They met and mapped out work for the week.  The human female made all sorts of hurried notes.  Here are some she made on the very elegant notes the Tech II made — on whatever was handy.


That silver Sharpie marker is so classy.

Most of the human female’s morning has been taken up by logistics.  You see, Usually Squashes Parcels Significantly suddenly terminated mail delivery to the local area on Monday.  No warning, no delivering mail that was already out on route. Nope, back to the barn, no mail for you, no projected date of return to service.   Never mind that when they closed the local sorting center a few years ago, it was with the idea that it could be resurrected if need be.  Well, needs be now, people!

On top of Usually Squashes Parcels Significantly, Fed-up and Exhausted, which has a major hub in the Big Inundated City to the South, suspended all deliveries there and in the surrounding area, which includes here.  Unrepentant Package Squashers followed suit.

So here is the human female, trying to prep lab for next week, the lab that includes our old friends the fragile, ship-overnight-and-hope-for-the-best termites, with no way to get said Blattodeans here to play with!


(Sad, over-exposed photo of the container the termites will inhabit, if they come.  The green pan of water is a moat to keep out the ants, which like to dine on tasty Isopterans.)

Over the last few days, she has sent and received numerous calls, texts, and emails, trying to get the termites here.  It goes like this:   If  Fed-Up and Exhausted won’t do it, can Unrepentant Package Squashers do it routing through Big City to the North?   The Purveyor of Squiggly Things, who prefers to ship only FU&E, says they’ll look into it. She calls Unrepentant, who says they can.  The human female also contacted the Vendor Who’s Responsible, since she has glassware to order, and they say Unrepentant can’t.  She calls Unrepentant again and they say they can, and she lets Vendor of Squiggly Things and Vendor Who’s Responsible know.  Vendor Who’s Responsible  responds with a screen capture of the Unrepentant website, listing the local zip code as one they will not ship to. Human female responds with a screen capture that says the local area is unaffected.  Vendor Who’s Responsible emails back that both FU&E and Unrepentant have changed their tune and are now accepting *ground* shipments for delivery here, but not live or refrigerated materials.  The human female still insists they ought to be able to do air shipments through Big City to the North, and if not, she will drive to Random Small City to the North and pick them up there.   They’ve been going around and around all morning, with no clear path to Termiteville yet in sight.

If we could somehow rope in the Purveyor of Dead Things, we’d have some sort of twisted Vendor/Shipper Bingo going on.

So here I sit, with all the party props needed to entertain the termites properly, and no one to play with.


Guess we could always test whether Sigyn has trailing pheromones that are mimicked by Bic ink…

>|: [


Another Mysterious Package

The human female gets packages all the time.  Interesting things like hagfish and potassium chloride and beakers.  Textbooks and microscope slides and, recently, a live tarantula.  Usually, when a parcel shows up, she knows what it is and which vendor it’s from.  Sometimes, though, I just tell the mailroom folks to send over something completely random.

Oooh!  Here’s a likely candidate!   It didn’t come in at the stockroom.  It showed up at the Department’s front office.  Looks like it’s from Fisher Scientific, which wouldn’t be unusual.  The human female orders from them fairly regularly, though she doesn’t remember ordering anything recently.


Wait…  Sigyn—look at the address!  It’s addressed TO Fisher!  And 1114 TAMU?  That is not the human female’s mail stop, and she certainly doesn’t work in the Medical School!


Yet under the little piece of paper I’m standing on, someone has inscribed her name in bright blue ink and included the proper mail stop.  Now the human female is truly baffled and I am highly amused and insanely curious!  Whatever can this be?!  Bright blue question mark, indeed!

Let’s see what’s inside…

Sigyn likes the starch packing peanuts.  She likes that they are biodegradable and thinks they’re fun to squish.


Fisi is under the impression that they are special hyena treats.


Huh.  Glucose test strips for use in a particular brand of glucometer.  Four boxes of them.

Nope.  She didn’t order these!  Someone, somewhere, is looking for them…

>|: [

Epilogue:  They were ordered by an Indian gentleman who is an instructor of Pharmacy at the Medical School.  (His name was on the packing slip.)  He had to drive over from the other side of campus to pick them up.  When he arrived, the building was locked, so he called the human female and she ran down to hand them off.  How the address came to be inscribed as it was is still a mystery.

Strange and Smashy Parcels

Mail’s here!  Since yesterday was a no-mail holiday, there should be good stuff today! By Hulk’s hurtful ham-fists, will you look at the condition of this box that has arrived for the human male!

mashed package

The pointers I’ve been giving the mail carriers are really paying off.  Well done!

mashed package2

Yes, I think we can all agree that this acronym stands for Usually Smashes Parcels Significantly.

Hope there was nothing breakable in there. Heh.

The human female has a parcel too!


Looks like the gorillas missed this one.  I see I have some re-training to do.  I have no idea what she’s ordered. Let’s look, shall we?


Sigyn, is that anything you recognize?  I have to say that, sadly, I do not think it is fudge.   Or rather, I now hope it is not fudge.  Fudge should not BE that color.


Well, I’m glad this came with promotional literature, because I would never have guessed what these are–little rubbery samples of sidewalk gasketting.  You know, that stuff builders put between concrete slabs to allow for expansion?  The humans’ front walk is missing quite a bit, and the spaces tend to fill up with soil and then grass.

What size do you reckon we need, Sigyn?  Some of those cracks are pretty wide…


…and some of them are awfully deep.

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