when is a banana not a banana

With Malus Aforethought

I think I know how to make the human female’s love of apples bear fruit. (Snerk!)

She really does keep track of all the different varieties she eats.  She even photographs them:


That’s just a sample.  And look!  She’s even had one of those ‘Winter Banana’ ones!

She keeps her tasting notes in a little book.  Actually, make that “books.”  She’s filled one completely up and is a good way into another.


She records their lineage, their appearance, and their taste. Her favorites get a little star by their name.


Looks like her hundredth variety was a good one.  I’ve made sure she hasn’t found any since.

She has no compunction about lambasting varieties she finds less than stellar:


These little books are like scripture for her.  Her memory’s not so good, so she really relies on them to help her remember which varieties she’d like to eat again and which ones to skip.  No one’s allowed to meddle with them.

Pffft!  Rules.  Let’s see if she notices my little addition…


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There Has To Be a Way To Use This…

As I’ve noted, the human female considers herself an apple “aficionado,” and she brings home any and all strays to evaluate and eat them.

She has all sorts of (large, heavy) books devoted to the subject.  Take this one, for example:


The names are funny.  “Ashmead’s Kernel.”  Who made that one up?  And read the description :  “Pick in October, but don’t eat until Christmas, unless pain is your thing.”  And the descriptions!  “Honeyed nuttiness, crisply sweet, not sugar sweet, but the succulence of a well-devilled marrow bone.”  I don’t know about anyone else, but— Marrow?!  bleargh!

Some of the books, I will admit, do have attractive illustrations.  This one has a few plates of well-executed watercolors.


She came home from the library positively giddy the other day, because she discovered that those illustrations were just a tiny sample of the pictures from a larger, monumental work on all the apples of this realm and the one to the north.


AND THERE ARE SIX MORE VOLUMES!  Really.  It’s riveting reading.


It’s page after page of dubiously-linked references, put together by a small cadre of pomaceous geeks who toiled for decades to compile the definitive list of apple cultivars.

I think they just made up the names.  Look at this one:


‘Winter Banana?!’  Either this is one colossal prank, or the mortals are stupider than I estimated them to be.  Who names an apple after a BANANA?

But apparently, it’s a real variety.


The amount of fruit nerdery is just staggering.  There has to be a way to turn the human female’s interest in the subject into mischief—or at least get some amusement out of it.

I shall have to think about this…

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