where oh where is Gungnir

Loki Helps Around the House, Part III: Bathroom Duty

Ugh!  I am definitely being punished.  I cannot think why, unless perhaps it is because last night I summoned what store of weather-working magic I have and arranged to have just enough cloud cover to obscure the lunar eclipse which the humans wished to view.

Thus, today, the human female says I my job is to clean up the bathing chamber.  I really did not wish to become this intimately acquainted with Midgardian hygiene.

Replace toilet paper.  Check.  (Do not belabor me about in which direction the paper must unfurl.  I do not care.)

Squeegee down the shower door.  Check.  (Squeegee–what a most peculiar word.)

Put out fresh towels. Check.  (I may have rubbed my sleek Jotun backside on them all.)

Wipe the toothpaste splatters off the mirror.  Eew!  How do they get toothpaste on the mirror? How is that even possible?  I mean, the distribution pattern is stunning in its breadth, but how hard is it to just spit the foam down the drain?

The next item says , “Toothpaste globs in sink.”


Done and dusted.  (The human female needs to be more specific in her instructions.)

Last job is to wipe down the counters.  This is not hard to do, because the lazy humans buy canisters of disposable wipes in a cleaning solution, all ready to go.  Most convenient.


It’s only irksome if someone uses the last one and just leaves the empty container.


Job done.

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Loki Helps Around the House, Part II: Cleaning Out the Cooling Unit

I have given the house a thorough searching, and since I have not found Gungnir on my own, I am forced to continue my indentured servitude to the human female. What’s next on the chore list, O Mistress of Grunginess?  Clean the refrigerator?  Why, of course!  I’d be glad to.  (In truth, I have a vested interest in whether the fridge is sanitary, as I do occasionally eat things that come out of there, and so does Sigyn.  Not much can harm me, but it would not do for her to be felled by some preventable food-borne illness.)

By Odin’s puckered bellybutton!  Look at all the nasty bits and pieces around the vegetable bins!


Bleargh!  And, might I add, Eew! Wouldn’t it be easier simply to buy a new fridge?

Ehehehehehe.  I just now noticed–there’s another one of my peanut butter jars back there!

While I’m in the neighborhood, I think I’ll pop into the bin and slimify some carrots and celery. There’s a fine line between moist and crisp and sludgy-slick.  Sometimes all they need is a good nudge.


There. The fridge is much cleaner now.  I took everything out, wiped down the walls, de-stickified the shelves, ferried spoiled produce out to the compost heap, and euthanized whatever that furry green thing in the bottom of the cheese drawer was.  Time to put all the groceries back in, adding my own special touches.  See this juice?


Well, it used to be juice, the 100% juice juice.  Bing!  Now it is 64 ounces of “juice drink,” which means it tastes like a cross between cough syrup and purple magic marker.

I put the milk back too.

empty milk

What?  No, I did NOT put back an empty jug.  I would never do that.  It is not empty. There are twelve molecules of milk left in there.

I counted.

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Loki Helps Around the House, Part I: Folding Laundry

Grumble, grumble, grumble.  The human female has hidden Gungnir and refuses to give it back until I help with the housework.  Unfortunately, I can’t call it the way my ox of a brother whistles for Mjolnir.  She has promised to give it back when the house is sparkling.  I’ve half a mind to…  No, I suppose I will have to at least appear to help.

She has decided I’m to start with the laundry.  I am not allowed to run the washer, because reasons, so I have been dragooned into folding.  I shall start with the socks.


That’s it?  Just cuff them together?  “See?” she says.” Even you can’t mess it up.”

She is correct–it is very easy to pair the socks up just the way they should go.


Bah.  Pairs is boring.

I call this one the Sleipnir Special:


Oh.  I have been relieved of sock duty.  Imagine that.  Underwear is next?  I’m supposed to handle Midgardian UNDERWEAR?!  No way. I’m not that desperate for Gungnir yet!

Loki out.


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